addicted - harry lewis

seventeen

Three days go by as fast as a punch in the stomach. I hadn't heard a word from both Harry and Stephen. I hadn't been able to take a deep breath in for so long - this silence was suffocating me.

The day after everything happened, I refused to leave the comfort of my bed. The only time I moved that day was to go to the bathroom. I didn't look at my phone once, my eyes stayed glued to my ceiling for the majority of the day.

Day two consisted of a shower, making myself toast at 4pm, and another staring contest with my ceiling. More hateful messages kept rolling into my notifications but I didn't care to pay attention to them. I don't remember smiling once that day.

I spent most of day 3 cleaning my apartment from top to bottom. It kept my mind busy so that I didn't have to think about anything else. I continued to get hateful messages and I also continued to ignore them. I fell asleep crying while watching some Sidemen videos.

It was now day 4 and I had spent the morning catching up on social media. I didn't have the energy to do much, considering I only got a few hours of sleep. I wasn't in the mental state to do anything anyway.

I heard a knock on the door to my apartment at 1pm. It took almost all of my physical and mental strength to get up off of the couch to go and open the door. My heart was racing. I was hoping it would be Harry or Stephen. To my surprise, it was Simon.

"Hey," I said, furrowing my eyebrows. I was very confused about why he was here.

"Hey," he said, "Go and get ready, you're coming out to lunch with me and Tobi".

"Wh-"

"Go! Now!" he laughed and pointed to the stairs that lead to my bedroom. I generously welcomed them in before running up to my room.

This was, obviously, no special occasion which meant that I could easily throw on a cropped sweatshirt, some blue ripped skinny jeans and some white shoes - so that's exactly what I did. I didn't bother putting on any makeup or styling my hair, it wasn't like I wanted to impress anyone.

I ran back downstairs to find Simon and Tobi standing by the door on their phones. We walked outside and I locked my apartment as Tobi ordered an Uber for us. I had absolutely no idea where we were going nor did I actually care, all that mattered was that I was going outside and spending time with people I cared about.

I was expecting them to drag me into Nandos, but we ended up pulling up beside some restaurant beside a construction site in central London. I hadn't heard of or seen this place before. It didn't appear to be formal, it looked quite laid-back. Once we had gotten out of the Uber, we went inside and sat down at a table.

"How've you been?" Simon asked me. He had a somewhat serious tone in his voice.

"Not the best," I shrugged with a tiny smile, "I'm assuming someone told you what happened".

"Freezy told us," Tobi nodded. A thought crossed my mind: nobody knew about what happened between me and Stephen, to my knowledge at least. They only knew half of the reason why I was upset.

"Have you heard how he is?" I asked. Simon and Tobi turned to look at each other, blank expressions on their faces.

"He hasn't shown up to any filming sessions, according to Cal and Cal he hasn't even left his room. We've all tried to message him but he hasn't replied," Simon replied.

It destroyed me to know that he was feeling this way but a wave of relief washed over me to know that he didn't turn to drugs. A small selfish part of me was secretly pleased to know he is suffering as much as I am. He had my sympathy - I felt very similar feelings as him. We were both devastated. I felt the overwhelming pull to run to him, but I knew I couldn't. He had the power to end both of our torment, he had the power to make things right, he had the power to decide if our future was together or not. My happiness was in his hands.

"Has anyone gone over to check on him that isn't Cal or Cal?" I asked.

"Josh went over last night but he's not telling us anything, I guess it's none of our business anyway," Tobi explained, "Josh is very good with Harry. He understands him and gives him good advice".

I always pictured Josh to be almost a parent or a father figure to his friends. He seemed like the type of guy to go to for help or advice. I felt relieved that Harry was at least talking to someone. It's at times like these when you realise how blessed you are to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about you.

"Next time you see Josh, tell him that I said thank you," I smiled at them.

We all ordered our food and continued to chat for a while. It was nice to finally see people after not leaving my house for days. Simon and Tobi were amazing friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Once we had finished eating, I said goodbye and parted ways with my friends before ordering an Uber back to my apartment. Luckily, I managed to get inside the car before it began to heavily rain. I put my earphones in and shuffled a playlist as I rested my head against the window, my eyes watching the rain as it cascaded over London. It had been dark and overcast all day, so it was predicted that it would rain eventually.

Every raindrop reminded me of Harry's tears - how they would stain his cheeks and how they held so much pain and sorrow. Thinking back to the night when Harry had a panic attack after a nightmare, I remembered feeling privileged that he trusted me enough to remove his mask and reveal his vulnerability to me. It takes a lot of courage to expose that side of you to someone.

And he had chosen me.

My Uber arrived outside of my apartment and I quickly ran inside to avoid getting drenched from the rain. I instantly took off my shoes, left them by the door and decided to take a quick shower to warm up from the miserable weather. I didn't stay in for long; I always seem to overthink whilst in the shower.

I threw my clothes back on before going downstairs to the kitchen to make myself some coffee, seeing as I still wasn't completely warm. While standing and staring into space, waiting for the kettle to boil, I heard a knock on my door. What kind of psycho would be outside in this weather? Scared for the life of someone trying to sell me something, I walked to the door and slowly opened it.

"Hey Wiper," Harry said sheepishly, "Can I come in?"

Our eyes met - his eyes bore into mine, pleading for forgiveness. His chosen clothing of Sidemen merch was saturated. I noticed that he was holding a small bunch of flowers in his hands, many of which had drooped due to the heavy rain. His hair was soaked and water was dripping down his face. I couldn't tell what were tears and what were raindrops.

My feet stepped to the side, allowing him to come into my home. We continued to stare at each other. Harry was breathing heavily, which made me think he had run here from his place. I was both pleased and shocked to see him. He walked over and laid the damaged flowers on my kitchen bench before turning to face me.

"I met up with Katie," he spoke confidently. I had a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. A moment of awkward silence followed as I scanned his face for a sign of what he was going to say next. He seemed certain in his choice. He spoke up after a few more seconds, "I told her to fuck off".

I took a happy deep breath and it felt like the first time I'd been able to breathe all week.

"I told her to leave me the fuck alone. I deleted her number. I burnt anything she ever gave me. I removed every single piece of evidence that she ever existed in my life, if I could erase my memory of her I would do that too. I love you so fucking much, Wiper, and I'm a fool for letting you walk away from me that easily. This past week has been hell without you, worse than any withdrawal I've been through. Please keep me around. You're all I want, all I need," he blurted from his heart.

I immediately walked over and kissed him, throwing my arms around his neck. Shocked by my actions at first, he took a second to respond before gladly kissing me back. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. We were both smiling, relief washing over our bodies. I pulled away and nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck. His hands stroked the top of my head comfortingly.

"I'll do anything to keep you in my life. I love you," He whispered into my ear.

"I love you too, so much," I smiled.

"Never forget you're worth fighting for," he affirmed, kissing the top of my head as he swayed us side to side.