"Worthless" (Catradora HS Au)

Alone

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Self Harm, Cuss Words

Catra's POV

That was a good day. Shame it's my last. Wait actually, I can't. If I die tomorrow, Adora might feel guilty. Also, she seemed like a good person. If I die she might blame herself since it was a day after meeting her. I can't do that to her.

I sighed. I guess I'll just wait a little longer. She'll leave in the end. Everyone does. Why would she be different? I don't wanna hurt her so I'll wait until she leaves on her own.

I walked home. Thankfully I was on time today. Not that it mattered to mother much. She always found a reason to punish me. Wonder what it'll be today?

"Catra!" she shouted. Great. Well at least she isn't drunk yet. I can tell from her tone. "Well finally you're home on time. What, did you want to make up for your actions by obeying one rule? I got a notice from your school that you were in a fight."

Shit. I forgot about that. I shouldn't have come home today. I wasn't planning to.

"When will you learn!" she screamed. I braced for a hit. And it came. She punched me on the jaw. That would surely leave a bruise. Then she threw me to the ground and kicked me a few times. 

"I'm being merciful today. You deserve worse, but I'm forgiving you today. I'm busy."

She's right. I deserve this. I deserve all the pain she gives me. It's my fault dad got killed. It's my fault mom killed herself. I wish I could do the same and escape this pain. Mother is awful but she's telling the truth.

"You hurt people. You're poison, everyone that comes in contact with you gets hurt or dies. You should stop hurting them. You're the only one that should hurt."

She's right you know.

Shut up.

You're a monster. A freak. Just look at yourself. 

You're lying. 

You know I'm not. I'm not someone else. I'm you. You're the one talking. Why would you lie to yourself?

I'm begging you, shut up!

You're the one thinking all these. If you wanted me to shut up you would have. You want this pain, you know you deserve it. You're a monster. Freak.

I want it to stop hurting...

Spare your new friend the pain. Don't poison her too. Just go now.

I can't. I don't wanna hurt her. She doesn't deserve pain. I do.

Yes you do.

I... I want to hurt myself. So bad. I want the pain. I deserve it. It would provide some relief too. It helps ease this pain in my chest. My guilt...

I went into the bathroom. I took off my hoodie and unwrapped the bandages. I searched for my blade. There. I looked at my wrists.

One line. Two. Three. Ten. Sixteen. Twenty-four. They weren't deep enough to bleed that much but they were deep enough to hurt. Now my other wrist. Ten there too. I looked at the total damage.

I sighed. I don't regret it. I don't feel so bad anymore. Or do I?

Maybe I feel a little guilty because I did it again... 

I want more pain. This isn't enough. 

No!

I held my wrists under cold water. It hurt but it also felt better. I wrapped new bandages. I would cut more but there isn't much place left now. My wrists are completely filled with cuts.

I'm a mess. I'm not strong enough to ignore the voice in my head. I'm fucking weak! I can't do anything properly. Mother is right, I am completely useless. 

I'm alone. There is nobody that actually cares about me. Adora is only hanging out with me because I saved her and sh feels obligated to. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't want me.

Why would anybody? I'm so stupid to think she did. 

No don't think like that.

I tried to distract myself. I threw on another hoodie and went outside for a walk.

All these people, and yet I feel alone. I am alone. I'll always be alone. I should just end it.

I returned home, to my bathroom. I sat in the bathtub, only bothering to take off some of my clothes. I'm too tired to care. I just wanna end this. I have a shard of glass from yesterday. It should be enough for a large cut.

I held the glass and cut again. Only this time, it was my thighs. I couldn't go deep. It hurt too much.

"Ahh! I didn't think it would hurt so much dammit! Well shit. Wrists it is."

I held the blade on my left wrist. Do I really wanna do this?

I got ready to cut a vein.

Am I sure?

Yes.

No.

I missed the vein. I just made a cut. And some more. Deeper than usual but not vital. I don't wanna die yet. I don't wanna make Adora sad, even if she might not care, there is a slight chance she does.

The bath was now red with my blood. Well, I guess all those first aid lessons will work out huh?

I patched and bandaged them up the best I could. I need to hide these too. I guess I'll go to bed. It's early but I'm tired.

Mentally.

And alone.

Literally.