Her Vocation

18. Moment of Truth

Staring at my bare hands, I wondered where did I go wrong?

I did everything I thought to be the right thing. Yet, why had my life ended up this way? What should I have done instead—I wish someone would tell me—I wish there was a book—A sort of guidebook to help me understand where to go from here.

"How can you be so happy all the time? I always feel like I am stranded on a dessert and walking aimlessly on an empty barren road. Like there is sun scorching over my head and I am banging at a huge door which never opens—I wish someone would just make me a guidebook telling me what to do—!"

"But you do have it, Aasi—! Allah has sent Quran as a guidance for mankind. You have everything that you need to live in this world, right here—! That and the sunnah of our Prophet PBUH—!"

I had cried infront of that person one day. Long before Navi or Samar or any of the horrors that I had experienced happened. However, I couldn't think any further than this, because the door banged open to reveal Faiza, who informed me that the Molvi Sahab had arrived for the nikah.

Once again, after she left, I was all alone in my room. The horrors of coming days was making me numb and that's when I dropped to my knees on the carpet. Folding my hands infront of me, I closed my eyes and began to recite Surah Al- Fatiha.

'Help me Allah. Please. She said—everyone says that you answer the call of anyone who knocks on Your door. I have been knocking for so long, yet not once did You open Your doors of mercy for me—Just once—Please Allah, please—! I know I am a sinner—I know that I haven't followed Your commands—but please I'll do whatever You tell me—Just please—Please Allah help me—I need You, Allah—You promised that You will answer the prayers of whoever calls upon You for help—You don't forsake non-believers either—Atleast—atleast, I believe in Your oneness—in the finality of Prophet PBUH—Please just save me from myself—Please—I'll do whatever you say—if there was even one good deed that I committed—even one tiny—please give me it's reward right now—Please don't abandon me again—Please, Allah—if nothing else—help me because I share name with one of the most pious woman, You created—Just please—-help me.' I had dropped my head onto the floor in sajdah. My tears were getting soaked into the carpet and despite feeling heartbroken, a sense of calm began to spread through my body.

Even before, I could hear them coming up, I had straightened up. When the Molvi came in with my Dad, Mom and Faiza, my tears had already dried. When the Molvi asked me if I wanted to add any clause in the nikah, I kept silent. When he asked me qabool hai? I replied in affirmative all three times. When Mom, Dad and others hugged me, I remained still and let them.

Maybe, I was spent. Until the very last moment, I tried calling Allah. But maybe Allah didn't listen to me because as always, I was late. I always ask Him of the impossible. But, only because I thought, if Allah says KUN (be) then FAYA-KUN (and it is). Maybe, I was being naive. Why would Allah help me? Why now, after all this time? When I had never before turned to Him.

Feeling drained, I sat still in my place. Waiting to be called down after the nikah was completed. Just then my phone rang. It was a message and I didn't want to see it, assuming it was from someone congratulating me. Yet, my feet began to work towards the dressing table. There was a slow thumping against my chest and my hands shook as I picked up the phone. The message was from an unknown number. Yet, I clicked on the audio.

"Thankyou for meeting me Captain Hadi—I am sure you must've been busy." My breath hitched in my throat when I heard Navi's familiar voice on the phone.