Her Vocation

23. Tawbah

I sat on the floor to the far end of the room, out of sight from everyone else and listened intently to Haadi's heart-rending Qirat; resonating throughout the room.

"—and said: Get down, both of you, (that is, man and Satan), and be out of it; each of you shall be an enemy to the other. Henceforth if there comes to you a guidance from Me, then whosoever follows My guidance shall neither go astray nor suffer misery—But whosoever turns away from this Admonition from Me shall have a straitened life; We shall raise him blind on the Day of Resurrection. (Quran 20:123-124)" She continued solemnly while sitting on the front of the room. Lifting up her eyes from the Quran in front of her, she took in the class filled with girls in headscarf; roughly around the age of Haadi, when she left Gulf. A small smile was gracing her features. A constant aspect of her apparel, since childhood.

"—both Adam (A.S) and Shaytan disobeyed Allah. But Adam (A.S)  did not persist in his sin arrogantly. As soon as he realized his error, he felt ashamed of it and asked for Allah's pardon. In contrast, Iblis was cursed because not only did he disobey his Lord but also persisted in his sin. He became arrogant. Boldly challenging Allah that it was He, Who was responsible for his disobedience; for preferring Adam whom He had created of clay, over him while He had made Iblis of fire." She kept on going, now coming to the tafsir of the end verses of Surah Taha. However, unbeknownst to anyone present in the room, I sat trembling with fear in my place. The weight of her words shook me to the very core and I could feel cold shivers running down my spine, covering my skin in a blanket of goosebumps; as if suddenly the temperature had dropped inside the room.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN?!"
The stray memory had come to claw at me and still shivering, I pulled up my legs; hugging myself in attempts to ward off the cold but to no avail.

"You lied again!! You didn't help me again!"

"There's nothing that I can think of to wish for myself because I know You will never grant my any wish—"

How was what I did any different from what Iblis did. Not only did I leave the path of guidance but I was so adamant in my own arrogance that I thought it was I, who had given up on Allah because He wasn't how I wanted Him to be. Astaghfirullah!

"—Allah tests us all. Like He tested Adam (A.S), to see if we repent and follow His guidance or turn away, heedless like Iblis. And whoever strays from the straight path—persistently rejecting His guidance and denying the truth, then a time would come when he will find that Allah has left him to his sins. No further guidance will reach him from his Lord and he would keep on transgressing on path to wickedness—" Tears had begun to pour out of my eyes and to hide them I had dropped my head between my knees.

"—When someone earns the wrath and anger of Allah, Allah doesn't stop his breathing. He doesn't end his life or stops feeding him. He can, but He doesn't. Instead, He sends that person astray—He rejects him and forsakes him. Leaving him to wander aimlessly in the endless darkness, without any light or help, without any peace—

صُمٌّ بُكْمٌ عُمْىٌ فَهُمْ لاَ يَرْجِعُونَ
Deaf, dumb and blind – so they will not return [to the right path]. (Quran 2:18)"

Unintentionally, a sob escaped my mouth and I immediately bit down on my lips to stop them. My grasp around me tightened to calm down the shudders running through me but the effect of truth was far stronger than my grip.

"—Shaytan whispers to him and misleads him into thinking that he is self-sufficient and everything he has earned is because of his own self. He further gets astray, thinking by praying or doing act of goodness, he's doing a huge favour to Allah. No—Allah has no need for their prayers. But it is them, who have truly been forsaken and will remain without any hidayah—" Before she could go on, I scrambled to my feet and ran out of the backdoor. I didn't stop until I had reached the house. The whole way back, I couldn't stop my sobs. If my face wasn't covered by a niqab, I would still not have been able to control my cries anymore.