Her Vocation

24. Sirat ul Mustaqeem

My eyes snapped open in a fright.

For a few moments, I sat heaving on my bed unable to calm down my hyperventilation. With a painful groan, I slumped against my knees. My hand clutching at the necklace in desperation to seek some consolation, as I kept trying to conjure an image of Navi, without the gore and blood of my dream. But no matter how hard I tried to focus on the way he would help me calm my breathing at times like these, eventually my thoughts would drift to the memory of my nightmare; in which, a lifeless Navi was curled up in my embrace while I wailed for his loss, painted in his blood.

حَيَّ عَلَىٰ ٱلْفَلَاحِ
حَيَّ عَلَىٰ ٱلْفَلَاحِ
Hurry to salvation. Hurry to salvation.

ٱلصَّلَاةُ خَيْرٌ مِنَ ٱلنَّوْمِ
ٱلصَّلَاةُ خَيْرٌ مِنَ ٱلنَّوْمِ
Prayer is better than sleep. Prayer is better than sleep.

The sound of Azaan for Fajr fell on my ears and I realised that I had dozed off while waiting for it. With uneven breaths, I dropped my head between my knees and tightening my grip around my legs, I brought them to my chest and began responding to the Azaan.

لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّٰهِ‎
"There is neither might nor power except with Allah."

At the end of it after reciting durood e Ibrahimi and the dua for Azaan, I got up to make wudhu. While waiting for the iqamah, I raised my hand in prayer. After praising Allah and sending blessings upon Prophet Muhammed PBUH, I began with tears streaming down my eyes. Try as I much to forget, my heart still trembled with the thought of him.

'Ya Allah—I know I am a sinner. I know I should be repenting for my own wrongdoings—I realise, that I am in no position to intercede for anyone else—but ya Allah—please—please help Navi—please—don't let him hurt himself—I am so scared that he would—-' The sobs lodged in the back of my throat prevented me from going on and I dropped my head in sujood on the mat.

'Help him please Ya Allah—Only You can—Please don't forsake him—he has no one else to rely on—even I gave up on him—Please—Al Mujeeb, don't brush away Your repenting servant. Please accept my Dua for another sinful servant of Yours. Please Ya Ghafoor ur Raheem—bestow Your mercy on Navi and save him from himself—Please protect him and guide him to the straight path. Verily—
"Whomever Allah wills - He leaves astray; and whomever He wills - He puts him on a straight path" (Quran 6:39)

—and guidance is only from You, oh Allah.'

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"I did it for you Aasiya—because they hurt you—I'll do everything—! I'll become however you want me to be—Just—I only want you by my side—I love you more than myself—Aasiya—"

Once again, his words had come to haunt me and I covered my face in my hands.

"—What have I not done to earn your love?! I am willing to do anything for it!! Yet—!! Why am I so abominable in your eyes?!"

The guilt burning in the pits of my heart was constricting my chest with pain. I removed my hands to rub the back of my neck but the tightness tugged at the end of my breaths. I still remembered the look of distraught on his face, when he left that day, following the Nikah ceremony. His eyes kept beseeching me—as if pleading me to not let go of him.