A Thousand Moments

Chapter 11- Missing You

Alanna Sky Bauer

Misery is fate's response to happiness, one day you're filled with euphoria and then the next you're running from the pain that seems endless. The moment I finally embraced the joy I felt, everything started to fall apart again. Everything's a mess and again, I'm the reason why.

I thought I could keep Astrid close to me without destroying her but I guess it was only a matter of time before it happens. Whether people who cared about me or people who despised me, they couldn't get close to me without them turning into a mess too, whenever people who cared try to fix me like my sister did, they break, they give up, and then their life becomes a disarray of misfortune.

I was thinking that maybe Astrid suffered so much. I thought I'd never be a burden to her when in reality I was crushing her, I didn't even notice that her cheerful disposition started to fade away, I was being so selfish I unconciously chose to blind myself of what she's becoming because of me, I liked the way she was with me but I guess it cost her her happiness. It was predetermined that she'd be miserable the moment she let me in her life, and I can't believe I let myself break her. Who knew the moment I let my guard down with her was when I wrecked us both.

I decided to drive to my secret place and managed to hold back my feelings until I arrived at the bridge. As soon as I stepped out of my car everything I held back came barreling towards me. Tears filled my eyes, emotions were once again overwhelming me, and the pain started to set in. It felt as if a thousand arrows shot my heart and it keeps bleeding and bleeding with no way to ease the excruciating pain I was feeling. I cried and cried but it couldn't lessen my suffering.

Why does this keep happening?

Why do I keep hurting people I love?

Am I not allowed to be happy?

Will this ever stop?

Should I stop it now?

I was thinking of ending my life again, that maybe this thousand moments was a bullshit, maybe I should've just ended it back then, then I wouldn't have met Astrid, and her life could have been the way it was for her, happy, without me. Suddenly, I was back to where I started, alone, miserable, a mess, it's an endless torture.

I stood up and climbed on the edge of the bridge, it's happening again, I'm trying to kill myself again, it's like I'm on a time loop where every hurtful things keep repeating.

Okay Alanna, just jump please. Just end this, enough is enough.

I closed my eyes and as I was about to let go of the railing the thought of Astrid's smile crossed my mind.

Even when she's not with me, even when I am pushing her away, she's still the one who saves me, just the thought of her smiling was enough to calm the storm building inside me. I climbed back down and started bawling my eyes out.

80th.

Repeat.

Fine, after the 1000th moment, that's when I'll do it.

Every moment remaining I wanted it to be about her, even if it's from afar, even if I'm not part of her life anymore. I'd watch her and live the remaining moments for her. I want my moments to be how when she smiles even the darkest of places would light up, when her eyes that's deeper than the ocean itself meets mine I'd get lost, her laugh that fills the room making you want to think of ways to hear that laugh over and over. I want those to be the last moments I'd have before I go.

I headed back to my house, my thoughts were louder than ever. Nothing was able to silence it, it's as if a broken speaker was inside my head going back and forth about how forlorn my life is. Every moment of my life was flashing back, how I suffered and weighed down people around me, how my sister gave up on me, how my dad pushed me away, how I made Astrid cry, every terrible moment gathered in my head feeling like fate wanted to torture me.

I arrived at my place, the sight of my house made me hate living life more. My eyes were swollen from crying, I was tired from driving, and I felt exhausted from dealing with my own version of hell. Every step inside the house reminded me of Astrid, dad, and every tear shed from sobbing. I can't believe earlier today I was still thrilled to go to school, leaving the house with a big smile on my face, now, it felt like heaven and earth came crashing down on me.

I managed to walk to the kitchen counter but it only reminded me of the note I left, how Astrid pushed me into taking that step, it reminded me when we cooked together, when she prepared her favorite meal for me, the thought made me smile and made me recall her words

It doesn't happen overnight... so try again, and again, and again until eventually you push him to do the same, until he can take a step to fixing what's broken

If I'm planning to leave this world soon, might as well leave it without any regrets or anger or any unfinished business. If I'm gonna leave, I want to leave peacefully.

I started cooking dinner for my dad, he should be here by 8PM.

After cooking dinner I wrote a note and left it on the counter with the words "Welcome back, I made dinner"

I'm not good at expressing emotions towards my dad, obviously it was never our thing since the accident happened.

I heard his car pull up the drive way so I immediately ran to my room and locked myself up. If he was going to see what I did I don't want him to see me there. I took my mind off what I did and drowned myself in school work. Although drowning myself in work didn't help in silencing my thoughts, at least I had something to distract me with.

An hour passed by and I went out to look if he even touched the food I prepared. I walked to the kitchen feeling anxious. I was disappointed seeing he didn't even eat a bite of the food I made, but the feeling of disappointment was taken back when I realized the note was moved. It gave me hope that maybe I could still fix this before time is up.

81st.

Note.

A week passed, everyday was almost the same. I'd go to school, avoid Astrid, she'd glance my way, and I'd always ignore it, but there are times when I would start to miss her terribly so I changed tables at lunch, a few tables behind her, where I could secretly look at her without her seeing me. There are also times I would intentionally walk towards her just to get a glimpse of her. After a few days, I could see her trying to ignore me already, sometimes she wouldn't even look at me even when I walked in front of her. It hurt me a lot thinking she doesn't care anymore but I deserved it and it was what I wanted her to do, forget me and go back to how her life was before I came.

After school I would go home, cook for my dad, which by the way a lot of effort and food was wasted, I would then drown myself in school work, I'd sometimes cry myself to sleep or not sleep at all trying to silence the endless loop of thoughts inside my head, and then the next day the cycle repeats.

But today, I was missing her so much, I didn't notice that I was staring at her back at the school hallway, I saw her stare at me but quickly looked away. I can see her starting to get her old life back, she's hanging out with her friends again, she was smiling, she was laughing, it hurts but I'd take all the pain in the world if ut means she'd be haopy. The old Astrid was back and I wouldn't want to ruin that, that's why I did this in the first place right?

128th.

Missing you.