A Thousand Moments

Chapter 12- Her

Alanna Sky Bauer

Waking up was getting tougher each day. I know what's going to happen, I know there's pain that awaits me, I should get used to it but everyday the pain grows like a plant nurtured by my misery draining me of whatever's left inside.

For the 3rd time I pressed the snooze button on my alarm clock. It's 7:30AM. I sat on my bed thinking of how I'd get to class before 8:00AM.

Why the fuck am I thinking about that? I'm gonna be late, so hell, why would I care now? Might as well completely mess up everything right?

I left the house without eating breakfast, but still made an effort to leave a note for dad. While driving my car, I can feel myself losing my mind in my thoughts most of them were about my life, unanswered questions, thoughts of ending everything, and some were about her, thoughts of her that both calms me down and create disasters in my mind.

As soon as I arrived at school the bell rang. Surprisingly, I wasn't late. The hallway that was jam-packed with students slowly became empty as I slowly walk towards my locker. I started taking out my notebooks and anything I might need, suddenly I saw Astrid walking to her locker just two meters away from mine. I tried to ignore her and pretended to organize my stuff, completely aware of her presence I unconciously glanced at her but quickly looked away. In my peripheral vison, I could see her closing her locker, she didn't look at me or even glance my way, and without batting an eye, she walked right pass me. It felt as if I'm a ghost to her now, and with every second that pass as I'm seeing her walk away, it felt like I was being torn apart.

You deserve it.

She deserves better.

She deserves to be happy.

Don't mess her up just like you did with everyone else.

Those thoughts kept me from going after her.

131st.

A ghost.

As soon as she was out of my sight, I started to walk to the classroom. I knew waiting for her to leave was useless, I'd still see her in the classroom, but I just didn't want her to see how much I wanna run to her earlier. I walked to my seat trying to avoid looking at her. As soon as I sat down the teacher arrived and soon class started.

All throughout the lecture I was spacing out or losing focus, I wasn't even able to understand anything our Physics teacher was teaching us. Then, half-way through the last class I gave up trying to comprehend what was going on and completely lost focus of the class. Soon, the bell rang thus concluding the morning schedule. Without waiting for anything else, I stood up first and left the classroom.

I sat three tables away from where Astrid usually sits with her friends, I waited for them to show up but as soon as I saw her, I looked away. As usual she'd eat what she wants while everyone else would eat salad or starve themselves, the "popular girl" standard for eating didn't really rub off on her, she was one of a kind. I took out my notebook and started to draw her. I watched her carefully, how she laughs at her friends jokes, how she puts her hands in her pockets after she ate, and she'd always bring a book with her and read after eating while her other friends gossiped, I like how she twirls her hair and smiles whenever she gets to a good part. Lunch break, it was the only time of the day when pain was tolerable, where there's only thoughts of her on my mind, ones that calm my mind, it's when I could look at her without hiding because... no one notices.