A Thousand Moments

Chapter 14- Right Words

Alanna Sky Bauer

"You're someone special to me"

Her words kept echoing in my brain. Having someone tell you you're special felt like you're in a trance, it felt like my mind refused to believe the truth laid out in front of me. For the first time, I was special to someone, I mattered to someone, the person who's also most important to me. Like every thought of mine, the feeling of bliss was overpowered by fear, Astrid is someone I don't wanna hurt, so I'm staying away. Her words gave me more reason to keep her safe. Loving her silently was enough for me, I wouldn't ask for more as long as she's away from my disaster, a hell no one should suffer from, speacially her.

I drove back to my house swamped with all the emotions I'm holding back and drowned with the thoughts filling up my mind crashing like waves and with every crash comes with a pang in my heart. With exhaustion coursing through my body, I walked inside the house, head down, dragging my feet as I try to bring myself to my room. When emotions drown you there is no escape, everything you do elaborates what you're feeling making it seem like you're falling endlessly, scared, lonely, sad, all terrible emotions in one, you'll never know when you'll reach the bottom and that feeling of uncertainty would amplify your emotions, you keep falling and falling unti you finally feel torpid of everything, and you grow accustomed to the pain. In the end the feelings fade again making you cry but you'll never know what you need to stop it.

As soon as I reached my bed my eyes automatically shut itself as I fall into a deep sleep.

My life has always been a back and forth journey of pain to feeling nothing, then feeling nothing to feeling pain, then she happened. When I thought there wasn't any room in my heart for hope, she brought it to me, she's that small spark of hope that started a fire and gave space for happiness in my heart. If she becomes miserable then that spark of hope and happiness that she gave me would fade too. Even if I'm cutting myself out of her life I'll be fine as long as the fire of hope that she is keeps burning even if I'm only watching her from a distance now.

A few hours passed and I woke up from my sleep I looked at my clock, it was already 1:52AM. I realized I was still in my clothes that I wore to school. I decided to freshen up and change into my sleep attire. I felt my throat was bone-dry so I walked out of my room to the kitchen.

I left dad a note, I forgot to check on it.

As I was walking towards the kitchen counter, I noticed that the note was gone but the food I made was still there. I tried to remember what I wrote in the note that made my dad take it.

"I've been going through stuffs... thought I should share, have a great day"

Why did he take the note?

Was he worried about me?

Does he want to know what I'm going through?

I questioned my father's actions. For the first time, he took the note I wrote for him. It may be a small achievement but it's still progress. Maybe this would open the door to finally fixing my relationship with dad.

I took a glass and filled it up with water, I almost forgot what I was doing in the kitchen. Before I headed back to my room, I heard dad's door open. I was startled when I saw him exit his room and into the kitchen. He was sober but he didn't speak nor bat an eye at me, he proceeded to get milk from the fridge and drank it.

"Dad" I uttered, I tried holding back tears, I wanna tell him I'm not okay, I want him to see me cry, I wanted my father for once to comfort me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.