Wildfire

Fifty Five

"Em-Emmy!" The way Rayne clings to me after his night terrors always breaks my very soul into pieces as I am forced to try and calm his shivers and broken groans that spill into my shoulder as his hands run themselves up and down my chest as if trying to verify that it is me who is holding him and that he is safe where he should be in my arms... 

To have to croon to my sweet Moon Beam that no one shall ever lay a finger on him in that sense ever again wears my heart in a fashion that makes it feel as though my chest might explode with how badly I want to join in on his weeping... But I force myself to refrain as I stroke his long pale hair as it tangles in my efforts to rub his back.

He never asked for this... He doesn't deserve to be the one to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, the dreams of his assault growing so frequent that he no longer is able to sleep through the night at all... It is all I can do not to gather him up and send every man and woman able to carry a weapon into my father's chambers right this instant after stirring them up into a violent coup, something that would not be hard to do at all once his crimes are said aloud in the light of day... For it would not be right for Cho and I to try and continue our conversation at this moment... Or any immediate moment following... Right now my energy needs to go into comforting away the memories that haunt my shard of starlight and Cho is more than capable of understanding that I am not angry at him for his accusation, the news of my Father being the one responsible for Rayne's poisoning and possibly even the beating though it was not done directly by his own hands so unpalatable... But also most likely true with the depth of his own twisted winding so much deeper than any of us thought possible... And with that knowledge, I know that with the permission of my knowing nod, he understands he has the liberty to do what I think most of us would not think we would ever have to do... Find evidence to prove him capable and intending on trying to murder the best thing that has ever happened upon my life or this kingdom... My soulmate. 

My Soulmate who had worried so greatly over offending us with his presence... Whose father had fought for him to stay and be presented with the rest of the noble children of age... All they had wanted to do was show him that there was no difference between him and his sisters... They wanted to make him feel wanted and just as important in their hearts... And I had asked him to be allowed to stay out of my own curiosity... And truly... All any of us had done was put him in a situation to be hurt in such unimaginable ways... And for that... Maybe all of us are just as guilty as the man who had filled the sedative bottle with poison. 

I'm not entirely sure that the others don't feel the same way... That all of us were involved in the hurting of Rayne's precious soul... And as Cho silently slips out hopefully with his sights set on keeping the situation from spiraling any further out of control... I cannot seem to stop the silent ways my tears join Rayne's sobs. 

...

Rayne

...

I know I should be curious as to why Cho was with us just now, but I am too concerned with trying to assure that in my fighting of the phantom assault that I have not injured my husband in any way, the scratches I had inflicted on him last night still lingering slightly raised on his skin as freshly healed scars... He never seems to understand that half of my panic after the dreams that so thoroughly shake me are due to the thought that I might have caused him harm... No matter how strong I know he is and that there is very little lasting damage I could ever actually cause... It hurts my battered soul to think that my pain has caused him pain... That my desperateness to escape that man is slowly tearing us both to pieces, me mentally, and my sweet Prince physically...

But no matter how I flutter my hands about his person to assure myself that the only new cuts are that of the shallow kind... No matter how often Emrys tells me that he does not mind the burden of having to help me cope with the fright that always visits me in my sleep...That the cuts do not bother him... I cannot help but feel the guilt that I have been fostering so deeply inside of myself that had only been born from the aggression I feel towards the wayward Hirai grow that much heavier in my heart... And it makes me wonder if perhaps King Xiang had once been in the same position as me... What if he was once as gentle as Emrys or myself and the guilt and hate in his soul after his wife had been taken so early from this world had turned him into what he appears to all of us now, so soured and knarled. 

I know I should not assume that I will ever have anything in common with my father in law... But perhaps I have a chance of understanding his cruelty better now that I know what it is to feel such negative passion towards someone else... I can understand where the curl words come from in his soul now... And I can understand that even if you do not intend to let the hate grow towards someone who actually deserves to be on the receiving end of the anger, sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot help but wake to find your own insides twisted beyond recognition if left unchecked.