Cheated and Pregnant (Editing)

40.

I sat down on the couch staring at the TV but not really watching it. This is the part where thoughts can't be control and I'm thinking of the what-ifs and suppose.

This is the part where I get down to that part where I am most human and do the most human things. I think we pretend to be okay for too long we don't know how to really be okay truthfully.

We want people around us to think, to know that we are okay that we forget ourselves that we are not until one point in our life we finally realize but then it's hard to be really okay without faking it.

Deep down you know that you're not okay but you don't want to look weak or for them to know that you're weak because you don't want them to prey on you again so you pretend and tell them each time.

I'm okay.

But you're not. But you can't stop repeating.

I'm okay.

Even when you're bleeding out, the weight of your problems crushing you. Even when it was a clean shot, going straight through vital organs, you'll tell them.

I'm okay.

Even when your grip is slipping and you're barely holding on by a thread you'll say.

I'm okay.

So when I wake up screaming, panting, and sweating because the monster as found a way to hurt me even from his grave.

I'm okay

And when my boyfriend cheated, lied and I was left crying because once again the one I am in love with, the one I thought who would never hurt me, the me I trust and do everything to protect me hurt me the most than any other person could.

It's true what they say only the one you love and trust can truly hurt you since they are close to you.

I've been saying I'm okay ever since...

I've never stopped saying that I am okay since then each time someone asks me.

"Grace are you okay?" They would ask.

Then I won't be okay more than I was before they ask hearing my name. It became a trigger to my unwanted memory. I could hear his voice saying my name, breathing my name as he...

That name kept pulling me in and back to him where he days my name softly or shouts it when he is angry. That's when I changed it eliminating the trigger.

I wasn't Grace anymore. So I escaped him but did I really. Have I?

No...

I've tried to wear a real smile without it being pictured, but I can't. I really can't. Even wearing that pictured smile takes a lot out of me and I don't want to know how wearing the real one would feel.

Before I could divulge more into my thoughts a knock on the door stopped me from going on that train that would lead me where I don't know and for how I would be riding on that train for all I know it could be hours before the grip of my mind release me from it's bruising grip.

I hesitated to get up then looking through the peephole before unlocking and opening the door letting the person in closing the door once he stepped past the threshold.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He puts his hands in his pocket holding his head up then looking up at me straight in the eye.

"To check up on you," his reply was cool.

"I told you I'll be fine by myself, " I told him sternly. I don't anyone babysitting me like I can't take care of myself. He doesn't need to watch my move turning up at my door to 'to check up on me'. I can take care of myself and so far I've done a good job.