Cheated and Pregnant (Editing)

46.

I decided to stay in. It wasn't much of a decision when I didn't want to be mobbed by a group of people running behind me with their cameras to catch a picture or a statement.

I know I can't keep hiding in my apartment for long because I'm going to need food and fresh air but I can for now at least. I don't have to worry about work because I'm working from home now thanks to my boss.

He wanted me to quit but I couldn't. I've worked so hard for that job and to reach where I am now so there's no quiting it unless he wants to fire me and I know he won't.

I know he thinks it's too much for me because of my condition and situation but I assured him that I'm okay. 

Our conversation kept replaying in my head. Should I fall into his words and let my walls come down around him. He has done so much for him. He tried to convince me that he needs me but does he really.

Why would he need me? He's rich, he can have any girl in the world but why did he choose me. I'm not whole, I would never be complete, I'm ruined in one way or another, my mind's messed up and I keep fighting mentally, I'm still trying to keep my chin above water and if he's drowning I won't be able to save him and most importantly could I trust another man when the two I trusted the most had ripped my heart out and chew to spit it back into my face.

Giving my heart might be too deep but I could try and trust him more for what he has done for me. He has soon nothing but care and love to me giving me anything that I never asked him for without blinking and I really appreciate it.

I still have Josh, at least I think I do. I don't want to throw out our relationship because he cheated with my best friend but does it mean I have to be friends with her again. People knew she got around and I looked pass that not wanting to judge like everyone does.

I got to know the person she was but did I really know her. I know they are both in the wrong with this one. Him leading her on and she falling for it. She should have known better as a female and as my friend that sleeping with your best friend man more than once isn't a mistake and it isn't okay.

She hadn't even tried to reach out to me from our conversation in the hospital. That really shows what type of friend she is. I'm still not gonna say that about her that everyone said because deep somewhere inside of me she is still my friend and I have forgot the good times we had together even if she has.

And Josh, he cheated on me for Christ sake and I'm thinking about fixing this with him. But I still love him and love doesn't just dissolve into thin air because he cheated on me. We've been building this love life for five years and it doesn't take three months and two weeks for all of that to die.

Don't think me stupid now. I know you've been through it. Where your significant other cheated on you with a stranger, maybe your friend, sister cousin because men will always be man. Don't tell me you didn't have a man who cheated on you and you took him because you both wanted to work things out or just to see if it's still there?

Did you just threw away a relationship after so many years together without trying to ignite that spark you had once before?

No relationship is never easy, no is never smiles and laughter without tears and shouting. What would a relationship be without the ups and downs without you both going at it. You don't grow with someone if they are perfect that means there is nothing there to fix and no one is perfect and if you're with someone that is then something definitely wrong.

I'm not saying cheating is okay, them giving you bullshit is okay it's just that shit happens and it's just the way you deal with it.

Everyone deserves a second chance and if I made a mistake I would want him to forgive me and give me another chance. I can honestly say I forgive him - but I can't forget - because I don't want to hold grudges against him trying to tie the binds to our relationship that was broken.