The Universe and Beyond

Universe 14: Dark, Cloudy Day

ZEN

When I arrived on my room, I don't mind the exhaustion from driving. I immediately grab a white fabric and set up a blank canvas. I let my room be illuminated with bright lights. My ideas are overflowing and I can't wait for tomorrow to paint. Rozend's captivating image is still vivid in my head and I don't want to lose the feeling of wanting to paint badly. I'm craving to paint and I don't want to let myself be deprived from this surge of passion.

I blend oil paints in my palette. I started to paint a draft of Rozend's image while staring at the beautiful sun, mesmerized but somehow lost. He's smiling but he is kind of mysterious. And from his skin, different color of the light coming from the sunset started to leak as if he's the one who's actually emitting those beautiful and splendid colors. And those colors drip from him like thick blood. He's whole body is made of the sun and always will be. I know I won't be able to finish this painting tonight but I just have to start.

I won't be able to sleep until I'm drain from this passion, anyway. Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras pero tumigil lang ako sa pagpipinta nang may marinig akong ugong ng sasakyan mula sa bahay nina Rozend.

I check the time and it's just 12:15 a.m. Dahil curious ako, sumilip ako sa bintana pero nakalayo na ang sasakyan nina Rozend. Nang tingnan ko ang bahay nila, wala akong makitang kahit ano'ng ilaw na bukas sa loob nito.

I wonder what's happening. O siguro tulog na sila kaya walang ilaw?

Saka ko lang naramdaman ang antok at pagod nang umalis ako sa harap ng painting. Inayos ko na ang mga gamit ko upang matulog. Itinabi ko ang easel sa isang gilid upang walang makapansin at makakita. Later, I'll cover it with white cloth. Ayokong asarin ako ni Rozend kapag nakita niya ang painting ko. I feel satisfied when I lay down on my bed. I sleep with a smile.

~~~

It's Sunday and our family go to the church. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to invite Rozend because they're not at home. Siguro may pinuntahan sila? Naalala ko ang sasakyan kaninang madaling araw. Sa palagay ko may lakad ang buong pamilya niya. Nagkibit-balikat ako. It's not like I have to see him every day. But I have to admit that it's boring without him.

After church, we eat outside and spend our time to bond. Pero nang umuwi kami, agad akong nagkulong sa kwarto upang ipagpatuloy ang pagpipinta ko. Itinali ko ang buhok pataas upang hindi ako masyadong mainitan at maabala ng buhok ko. Siguro mas mabuti na ring wala si Rozend para walang manggulo sa 'kin. I feel productive today. At gusto ko ang unti-unting nabubuong imahe kahit hindi ko pa natatapos ang painting. But I'm already halfway of it.

Nakangiting pumasok sa silid ko si Mama at may dalang isang plato ng cookies at isang pitsel ng juice. Medyo namula ako nang ngumiti siya sa painting na ginagawa ko.

"Kuhang-kuha mo si Rozend," nakangiting wika niya.

"It's for our project," nahihiyang sabi ko. Ibinaba ko ang brush at palette na hawak ko. May mga pinta na dumikit sa kamay ko pero wala akong pakialam dahil gusto kong kumain at kumakalam na rin ang sikmura ko. Although I eat a lot at lunch. May dragon ba sa loob ng tiyan ko? O siguro dahil nagamit ko na lahat ng lakas ko sa pagpipinta?

"Siguradong magugustuhan niya ang painting mo," nakangiting dagdag niya. Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko kaya pakiramdam ko nang-aasar siya.

"Ma," nakasimangot na sabi ko.

She laughs lightheartedly. Umupo siya sa kama ko. "I'm just glad to see the changes in you. Because I'm really worried before."

And I understand her concerns. I gaze at her softly. Sometimes, we can't really let others know that we are suffering because they will surely suffer with us and that's the last thing I would want to do – to inflict others pain.

"You know what, Zen? In this life, I just realized that parenting is hard. Being a parent is hard. We want the best for our children. We can give up anything for them. And our hearts break when our children are breaking. We don't want them to suffer. And I also want to be one of the best moms out there. I really want to talk about the things that's running inside your head – your dreams, aspirations and heartbreaks. I want to talk about the boy you like and understand you as a whole. But I just realize that as your kids grow older, they can outgrow their parents. They can slowly tear away and escape from our grip – not as close as before. They can keep secrets. And sometimes, I just want you to open up so I can understand where you are coming from. Because being a parent you, I realize that what I want as a mother can be different from what my children want. Sometimes our beliefs are totally opposite but we need to make ends meet no matter what. I know you're going through this teenage phase and I want to understand that. And that's why I'm letting you experience what this world can offer. I want you to grow in your own pace, in your own time. I want you to grow beautifully whether in pain, heartbreaks or happiness."

Gusto kong maiyak sa sinasabi niya.

Ngumiti siya sa 'kin. "I'm not opening up to make you cry. I just want you to know that I'm here and I'm willing to listen anytime. And the children can only understand their parents through proper communication. And I can only understand you through proper communication too. I want to let you know how I feel and why I feel this way. If I'm overprotective sometimes you have to understand that you're precious to me and you're my treasure."

I nodded with misty eyes. "I understand, Mom. Thank you and I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie. Sige na. Baba na ako, Zen. Goodluck sa pagpipinta kay Rozend!"

Lumabas siya ng silid at hindi na hinintay ang sasabihin ko. Bumuntong-hininga ako. I really don't know how to properly react to what my Mom said. But I'm glad that I have her – that she's willing to listen. She's the best Mom ever.

Bumaling ang tingin ko sa ipinipinta ko at inirapan ito. "Hoy! Huwag kang ano diyan! Hindi ikaw 'yong sinasabi ni Mama na like ko! Walang ibig sabihin 'to! Project lang 'to ha! Project lang!" And I feel like I'm convincing myself not the painting. Napailing ako sa ginagawa ko.

Matapos uminom, ipinagpatuloy ko na ang pagpipinta hanggang sa halos matapos ko na ang painting. Nang tumingin ako sa labas, palubog na ang araw. Tumayo ako at tumingin sa labas ng bintana. Wala pa ring tao sa bahay nina Rozend. Saan kaya sila pumunta? An out-of-town vacation?

I check my phone. Wala rin akong natanggap na kahit ano'ng text mula sa kanya. Bumuntong-hininga ako. Maybe we can't really avoid some dark, cloudy days  because the sun will not always stay. No matter how much we want the sun in our lives, it always needs to leave.

Tiningnan ko ang painting na ginagawa ko. I just need to apply some finishing touches and it will be completed soon. I should buy a frame tomorrow.

And I'm silently praying that Rozend will come back tonight. I'm just not accustomed of attending classes without him – without a friend.

***