The Universe and Beyond

Universe 19: Through the Windows

ZEN

Saturday. I smile when I see the finished Northern Lights in my room. Wala sa sariling hinaplos ko ito. I'm sure Elaine is already happy up there. She's probably smiling at me, ready to let go like how I'm finally letting go.

"I moved on, Elaine. I know you're already in a happy place," bulong ko. "Shine together with the stars and watch over me."

Naligo ako at nagbihis. I will now paint for the individual project. If I'm going to die tomorrow, I would really paint my family. And of course, I will paint Rozend's face once again but this thought makes my face hot. Ipinilig ko ang aking ulo. I can't be distracted.

I focus on my family. I imagine my Mom cooking in the kitchen with her hair tied in a ponytail and with her apron on while my brother and father sit on the dining table discussing about bikes, cars and other boy stuffs. They are always so lively. It seems that my parents have already set their preferences on how to build their own family. They want everyone to feel welcome, to feel connected. And I feel blessed to have them in my life.

I know they will stay through all the ups and down.

I start to draw an outline of our kitchen with them around when I suddenly receive a message. I check my phone and read Rozend's text message.

Paint in front of your window. I want to see you. You're my model after all.

Tumayo ako at naglakad sa bintana. Sumilip ako sa bintana at natanaw ko si Rozend habang nagpipinta. He smiles and waves at me when he sees me. He's painting in front of his window too.

Nagreply ako sa message niya.

Akala ko ba hindi mo na kailangan ng model?

Nang sulyapan ko siya, nakatuon na ang pansin niya sa cellphone niya habang nakangiti.

I just need to check you from time to time. You don't need to pose. Just concentrate on your painting.

Napailing ako pero pumayag na rin. Kaysa naman hindi niya matapos ang painting niya. I moved my easel in front of the window. Inayos ko rin ang lighting at binuksan nang maayos ang bintana bago nagsimulang magpinta. But I suddenly feel a little conscious of my appearance. My hair is tied in a messy bun. I'm wearing a simple white shirt and cotton shorts. I feel a little insecure.

Hawak ko ang palette sa kaliwang kamay ko at ang brush sa kanan pero hindi ako makapag-isip nang mabuti. I stare at the canvas in front of me and take a deep breath. I close my eyes and try to clear my head. Concentrate. You don't have to look perfect in front of him. I don't think he's that type of guy after all.

When I open my eyes, all my thoughts are once again focused on the painting I want to finish. I trace my Mom's face and her pert nose while she smiles with satisfaction as she washes the dishes. She's probably listening to Dad and Josh's conversation. And my Dad has bright brown eyes as he's explaining some things to my brother. He looks like a proud and happy father. And I know Josh is his pride. And I know I am his treasure too. And sitting next to my father is my brother with his cute smile who always has a curious look on his face about the things he can't understand at his age.

And I love them. I love them that I'm ready to paint all their flaws and perfection together on this one canvas. I want them to be proud of me someday because they let me do what makes me happy. They let me do what I am passionate about. They are always patient with me.

I want to show through this painting how much they mean to me. How much I treasure them. How much I don't want to forget any of them.

I am too consumed by my desire to paint them that I almost forget to breathe. And when I let out a breath, I involuntarily look outside my window and see Rozend's face while earnestly doing his painting. I wonder how he's painting me. I want to see him paint me with my own eyes. I'm a little curious of why he's scrunching his eyebrow with every brushstroke. Is he struggling to paint me?

Siguro naman hindi niya ako pinapapangit, 'di ba?

Nang akmang titingin siya sa direksiyon ko, agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa hindi ko malamang dahilan at biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Nagpanggap ako na nagpipinta pero gulong-gulo ang isip ko na muntik ko ng makalimutan kung ano ang ipinipinta ko. Muntik na akong magkamali. Teka, bakit ba ako nac-conscious?

Pasimpleng gumalaw ang mga mata ko para tingnan siya. But he chuckles when he catches my eyes. Kaya wala na akong nagawa kundi ang tingnan na talaga siya kahit namumula pa ang mukha ko. He waves his cellphone at me and types something. I received a text message from him.

What's up, my favorite person?

Parang gusto kong magtago sa silid ko nang mabasa ko ang mensahe niya pero tinatagan ko ang loob ko. Hindi pwedeng kiligin.

Wala.

I received another message from him.

Bakit ka umiiwas ng tingin?

Nakagat ko ang labi ko habang nakatingin sa mensaheng natanggap ko. Pakiramdam ko hindi na ako makahinga.

Hindi ako umiwas. Nagkataon lang. Gusto mo makipagtitigan pa ako sa 'yo e. Baka hindi mo kayanin.

Hindi ako nakatanggap ng reply mula sa kanya kaya wala sa sariling nilingon ko siya. Nakatitig lang siya sa 'kin habang nakangiti at pakiramdam ko hinahamon niya ako dahil sa sinabi ko. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang makipagtitigan sa kanya hanggang sa sumakit at mag-init ang mga mata ko. Hindi ako nagpapatalo. Wala akong balak magpatalo. Pero ano ba ang ipinaglalaban ko?

But he loosens up and grins at me.

"Masyado kang seryoso, Lola," he teases me. "Feel free to look at me whenever you want."

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. "Baliw! Baka may makarinig sa 'yo, kung ano pa ang isipin!"

He just smiles brightly at me and I stare back helplessly at him with a small smile on my face. And we stay like that for minutes as if we both understand each other. As if our thoughts are already connected by just staring at each other's face.

And I love this kind of silent connection – where words aren't needed to understand each other's feelings and thoughts. It's like a silent agreement we can keep inside us because we know and we don't need to talk. A deep connection only us can understand.

And I know I will always remember this precious moment – through the windows.

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