The Universe and Beyond

Universe 28: Vulnerable

ZEN

"Are you feeling brave now?" mahinang tanong ko sa kanya.

"I feel vulnerable but brave," he admits.

I let out a small smile. "I can relate. You feel vulnerable when talking about the things that break you apart but for me it's being brave. Bravery at its rawest. And that's why I will listen to your story, Rozend." I gaze at him softly. I can see how vulnerable his face becomes. I can see raw sadness in his eyes. And I feel that his story will break me apart as well.

"You know what? It's easier to lie and pretend you're alright than to explain yourself. And I'm willing to lie just to avoid others from getting hurt but I realize people will still get hurt eventually so I better tell the truth than lie. And since you're my favorite person, Zen, I don't want to hurt you by lies. I want you to know who I really am."

And this is the first I've seen how vulnerable he can be.

Malungkot na ngumiti siya sa 'kin habang pinagmamasdan ang mukha ko. We're all wrap up by thick blankets and we're now facing each other like nothing else matters anymore. It's just me and him, the starry night sky and his secrets.

I just keep my silence. I don't want to interrupt his words. I don't want to stop him from being brave.

"Unfortunately, we belong from different galaxies, Zen. I have an illness. I have lymphoma. I have cancer," mahinang pag-amin niya. I can only stare at him while gaping. My mind still can't process the bomb he suddenly dropped. But after a while, my eyes turn misty.

"But it's still treatable, right?" mahinang tanong ko habang unti-unting pumapatak ang luha sa mga mata ko. It's uncontrollable. I can't control my tear glands from crying. My chest tightens for him, for his sufferings.

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "I've been diagnosed a year ago. But it's a late diagnosis. I'm already at an advanced stage when I discover my condition. I don't have any symptoms on my earlier years and I just suddenly collapsed and suffered from pain and that was when I was taken to the hospital and stayed there for months. And so I started to paint unfinished canvases and I become interested of the universe. I did have some active treatments but I have to end it five months ago. Because my lymphoma doesn't respond to treatments anymore and stronger treatments are also life-threatening. There's no guarantee that I will be treated anymore. So I realize I don't want to be bedridden before I die. I decided to grow my hair back and eat the foods I like. I want a quality life than a longer life. Although I know my parents are against it, they have no choice but to follow my will. I only take some symptom and pain relievers these days. I don't have much time to live, Zen. I'm actually dying. And that's also why I can't stay in your universe, Zen."

I cover my mouth with my trembling hands. I don't know how to face this. I don't know how to react but my tears won't stop. I'm trying to suppress my cries but I can't. Mas lalo akong napahagulgol nang marahang pahidin ni Rozend ang luha sa gilid ng mata ko.

His eyes also turn misty. A tear escapes from his right eye. "Don't cry," he softly said. "I'm sorry I keep this secret from you. Because humans, they are selfish beings too. They want to experience happiness even for a short while. And I don't want to be remembered as the sick one. I want a normal life. I also want to help you in your darkest times."

"But it hurts. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to die. I want you to stay," garalgal ang tinig na saad ko.

He laughs sadly. "I can no longer bargain with life. But Zen, you helped me a lot. I'm also in my darkest times, but you carry the universe with you. You said heaven is real. And I think a miracle already happened to me. One of these miracles is meeting you when I'm not supposed to." Patuloy lang siya sa pagpahid sa mga luha sa pisngi ko. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because I am able to help him in his darkest times but I'm sad that I can't relieve him from his sufferings, from his pain. I can't take his pains away.

"I'm sorry you have to know about this. I actually don't want to tell you but I can't leave you hanging. I am not someone who will leave after hiding everything. I won't do that to you," nanginginig ang boses na saad niya. I see how his tears slip from his eyes, trailing down his sad, smiling face. And my heart squeezes so tightly that I feel like it's harder to breathe. But I suddenly realize I'm not the only one hurting. His family is certainly hurting for a long time now.

"What about your parents? They are probably hurting. How are they coping on this one?"

"Of course, they... they are hurting. But people can move on from pain and grief. I learn that from you. That's why I'm no longer afraid to leave anyone behind. I have to go where I am going. I don't have to look back. Everything will be alright – in time," naiiyak na saad niya.

Mas lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko. Why didn't I realize that he's not well? That he's going through such tough times. Am I not really paying attention to other people?

"I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention," naiiyak na saad ko.

He chuckles helplessly. "I'm glad you didn't. Because I am able to live a normal life. But Zen, I want you to pay attention to your health. I want you to pay attention to your well-being. If you feel that something's not good about your body or mind, you have to seek for help. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. You have to love yourself. You have to care for yourself because you're the first one who will know if there is something amiss. You're the only one who knows yourself well."

I clutch on my tightening chest. How can he still worry about someone else's life other than his own life? But I nod at him with overwhelming tears to reassure him.

"And even if I can't stay in your universe, I want you to know that you will always be my favorite person. I will always watch over you up in the sky. And I hope, someday, you will find someone who can stay, who can love you with all of his heart, who can see the living art inside you. Someone who will be your sun – the sun in your universe," nakangiting saad niya.

Wala akong tigil sa pag-iyak. "I don't think I can still find someone like you. You are the only sun who has the brightest spark, Rozend."

Malungkot na tumawa si Rozend. He leans closer to me and lightly kisses my forehead. "But I'm not the right sun for you. Be happy always, Zen. Don't unlove art anymore. It's where you belong. It's how you breathe."

Sunud-sunod na tumango ako. But then I notice his hot breath, his hot lips and his hot skin against mine. Wala sa sariling hinawakan ko ang mga kamay niya at dinama ang temperatura niya. Natatakot na tiningnan ko siya. My eyes are clouded with panic.

"Rozend, you're burning up."

I just realize he's burning up from high fever.

***