Repairing Damages | Poe Dameron

Resistance Reborn: Pt. 8: What Love Is

Love.

A word which had lost so much of its meaning in time the more it was carelessly used, recycled or disregarded entirely for something it was not.

Some used it as a weapon to take apart even their most sacred treasures while others used it like glue to piece together all the broken things in this world. It could do so much good and yet so much harm all at once, the fear of it, of all the reality it carried with it, had stuck to Sola from the very first time she'd lost part of it in her Mother. It wasn't the type of love she was thinking about as she walked behind Finn and Poe who kept glancing back at her to check she was still there and keeping up with them, but it was a kind of love she held for them too.

The Resistance had become like family to her in many ways, provided her with kindness, strength, determination, and a passion for something so much larger than any single one of them on their own. She knew family love, and she knew friendship love, but what Sola knew so definitely, so inevitably, was that she would never be able to recognise the romantic kind.

The kind that love songs were written about, poems, plays, holo-films and statues erected in its honour.

The kind that would most likely tare her apart. Much like it had her father.

The little mechanic from Tatooine, so unsure of herself and her skill, reminded herself each time she glanced at the face of Poe Dameron walking in front of her, that she could never recognise love. Not from him to her, and thus, not in herself to him, or anyone else for that matter. Blinded by so much in the way it could never force its way through to be set in reality.

Perhaps her mind had become numb to it after the years of being laughed at, when she was caught thieving to survive, beaten in a street corner for punishment, only to drag herself back to Gracie and to be laughed at and despised even further every time her broken father saw the splitting image of his deceased wife reflecting back in her beaten features.

She had lived and loved for Grace and Grace alone for so many years, and even her sister had ended up with eyes of melting steel in her eyes for Sola.

If anyone ever told the blond to her face, she thought she would probably laugh. Hysterically, maddeningly, euphorically laugh at every idea that accompanied that single word and then convince them as to why such a thing was impossible for her. A waste of time, of space, of the air in their lungs it had taken to even utter the thought in the first place.

Sola had thought many times about the possibility of loving Poe Dameron and all his reckless passionate glory, thought about kissing him until she couldn't breathe anymore and holding him until all of the stars in the universe faded and became entirely irrelevant.

But Poe wasn't hers, and she did not deserve him even if she wanted him enough to tare her heart from her chest while it lay beating in her palms.

She had to remind herself what love was supposed to be, how her Mother had described it and inevitably taken it with her to her grave. A shallow grave in a dusty, sandy ravine back on Tatooine where her father, and herself holding her little sister, had stood and wept for several long, exhausting hours until the suns had set in the endless blue sky and they had to track back to their small hut void of words and void of sorrow.

Love could be torture, and it had hurt from the very first time Poe had asked to kiss her.

Or maybe it wasn't love at all, maybe she'd just become so infatuated with the curly haired pilot that obsession and dependence had taken the front seat in her body, and instead of ever loving him truly, she would forever be reduced to mind numbing emptiness where a part of his precious heart should be living.