Repairing Damages | Poe Dameron

Confronting Pain

It was getting increasingly easier to find herself alone in the midst of the Ajan Kloss jungle in the passing weeks. On evenings where perhaps Sola should have found the company of Lizzy in the med-bay, or Rose working on repairs for the command centre. Or even seek out Rey where she was continuing her treasured Jedi training.

None of those options seemed appealing in her head however, not with the way Grace had occupied her mind for nights on end. Haunted her dreams and memory like a ghost who's only motivation was to keep her awake and suffering in her grief. Ever since things had quieted around base, weighting thoughts had taken up the empty space. Even while she had battled to keep herself occupied with anything and everything, there was only so much Sola could do until the General demanded her to go to sleep and rest for a few hours.

Which inevitably ended her up here, sitting on a mossy fallen tree on a patch of green where a small split in the trees canopy graced her with the sight of the starry night sky. It was beautiful really, but after the first night of viewing it, it was only served as reminder of how dark and deep and empty space really was.

And of what she had done under that same sky to her own family.

BB-8 had accompanied her this time after the mechanic had made him promise not to tell Poe about her nightly visits to the secluded area of the jungle. He had reluctantly agreed, and had remained silent for the time she had spent crying to herself silently, head buried in her knees which had been drawn up against her hunched over frame. Ever the diligent droid, a silent guardian under the pitch black veil of night.

Sola missed Grace, her sister, the girl she had practically raised as a mother and been abandoned by when she had left Tatooine with spite in her heart and resentment in her stride. She had offered Sola another spot on the First Order freighter of course, almost pleaded at her to join the Order for her sake. But never once had the elder girl ever imagined that her refusal would end her younger sister up at the other end of her own blaster.

Would the war take anymore of her friends, of the family she'd unintentionally accumulated in her time spent at the Resistance? Realistically, yes, war would take so much more than it could ever give. But to ever imagine the death of anyone else only scared her all the further and made her nails dig painfully into the skin of her exposed arms.

Wanting no one to see her unhappy, staying out here in her own company seemed the best decision. Though Sola felt she had no right to be moping around like this when many others had most likely lost far more than she could ever have, it didn't stop her brain from hurling its insults at her at every opportunity.

When she missed a mark on another flight simulation: You'll never amount to anything.

When she fixed another droid after a long way of work: You're only here because you are useful, when you cease to be the Resistance will have no need of you. You'll become obsolete.

When she helped Lizzy or Rose with a task: They think you're annoying, others could do these tasks better than you, they shouldn't have come to you for help.

When Poe hugged her hello or goodbye and kissed her forehead after another promise that he'd be fine: One day he would wake up and see that you are nothing, that everything you have done could have been performed by someone else with more heart and more bravery and more skill. That he will regret ever knowing you.

Or when she sat chatting to Finn, Snap, Jessika and Connix over dinner: One day these people will leave you, they will die in this war and you can do nothing to stop it. You're not strong enough.

You will die alone.

The spiral of deprecating thoughts she knew she shouldn't succumb to to was interrupted momentarily when a hiccup shook her shoulders and a quiet sob forced its way from her lungs out into the open. Wiping more pathetic tears from her eyes Sola lifted her tired eyes back up to the twinkling sky in hopes of finding a semblance of comfort to calm her.