Songbird [Harry Styles AU]

7

I've been in London for 3 weeks and my relationship with Harry is budding into a really nice friendship. Tonight however I was supposed to be meeting up with him and his band. I was a bit nervous because Harry and I had either hung out alone or with Nick.

Harry is a very private person, like extremely private. So him letting me into his world a little bit feels like an honour-- he trusts me.

I understood the privacy, he didn't have any when he was in One Direction and now he loves that his whole life isn't on display for others.

I could semi-relate, I'm not famous but I'm still a private person. It takes a while for me to open up and let people in. I hate being vulnerable so I didn't have many close friends. I had Nicky, Frankie and Laurel. I had a few superficial friendships like co-workers or people at the coffee shop I usually visit, even my kickboxing classes.

Which reminds me, Frankie sent me a name of a kickboxing gym in London that I want to go to.

Anyway, I'm not a fan of vulnerability so I tend to close up.

Not to mention it's August 3rd, my dad's birthday. He would be 52 today. He passed away 9 months ago and this is the first time I'm  not celebrating his birthday with him.

In hindsight, I should have cancelled my plans with Harry, told him I was busy, because today would be especially hard. But, I didn't and all I felt today was an overwhelming amount of sadness.

My dad and I were very close, he was my best friend. If he were till here, I would have flew home. We would have had dinner at Taco Bell, his favourite, and then went see a movie overeating salty popcorn. But, he isn't here. He was taken from my family.

And, fuck cancer.

Losing him has been the hardest thing I've gone through and part of the reason I think I've lost my motivation to be more creative in my work. My dad was my supporter. With my music and my documentaries he just wanted to be happy so he was my biggest supporter.

It's only been 9 months, I know it's soon but for some reason I felt stupid that I was still grieving. Like I should be over it by now. I know it doesn't make sense but that's where I am. On one hand, there are many many days I just want to stay in bed and cry. On the other hand I still want to live my life and experience things as a 23 year old, I just couldn't seem to balance the two.

Walking into Harry's house for the first time also felt extremely honoring for me, he didn't take it lightly inviting people into his space, but he invited me. The first thing I noticed, after he opened the door, gave me a hug and invited me in was the smell.

It was a mixture of leather, the faintest smell of cologne and a light trace of cigarettes. The smell alone was enough to make me want to burst into tears, it smelt like my dad. Today of all days being welcomed with this scent felt like I got the wind knocked out of me.

I pushed down the tears as best I could as Harry introduced me to his band mates. The more I talked to all of them the easier it became to smile and laugh but then that smell would overwhelm my senses and I'd lose my train of thought.

It was only 6 so we had Chinese takeaway and a rom-com movie playing. I was sitting next to Harry before I quietly excused myself. I just needed a moment. The smell only became stronger and I felt like I was suffocating. It was a fine line between finding the smell comforting and nostalgic and finding it paralyzing.

Luckily next to the bathroom there was a door that lead outside and it was unlocked, some fresh air would be nice. As soon as the cool August breeze hit me I felt better, I felt like I could breath. I tried to calm down my racing heart and took many deep breathes. The tears that silently rolled down my face were unstoppable as I wrapped my arms around myself.