When fight takes flight

Anxiety?

"Some days, doing 'the best we can' may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn't perfect—on any front—and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else."

— Fred Rogers

Anxiety?

Even after I had made the decision, I still wondered. I wondered if it was the right one. I had gone there for five years, and now, I was staying home. I had told everyone it was because I was busy, packing and all. But, that isn't true. That wasn't the reason at all.

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The room was dark that night. I remember that everyone fell asleep quickly, because I was the last one awake, and I was keeping track, of the time I mean. I remember when the lights went out, that's when I stuck my head under the blanket. I had pretended to be asleep, but I hadn't done very well. If I had, maybe she would have stayed away. Her hand grabbed the ladder as she looked at me, sympathy filling her eyes.

She wanted to talk

I remember that because she had a sort of uncertainty in her voice

I also remember exactly what she had said.

She didn't want me to go to sleep upset.

I remember the way she felt as she hugged me in my bed, staying quiet so that the other girls in the bunk wouldn't wake up.

I remember how I soaked her shirt with my tears.

But what I remember most?

Despite her wishes, I did go to sleep upset, very upset for that matter.

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I thought that I had locked these memories up, somewhere in the back of mind. I was wrong though, clearly.

So many things had happened that summer, and that specific event had happened more than once.camp is supposed to be a safe-haven, but for me, it's just the opposite. I don't think there was one night that I fell asleep with dry eyes.

"Kelsey?" Mom calls.

I can't read her voice, I can't tell if she's calm, or worried, or happy.

"Ya?" I reply

"Come down here for a second!"

And so I do, but not without worrying first. If I had, I wouldn't be Kelsey. I worry about why my mom was calling me, and if something bad had happened. I worry about the weather outside, and if I would have to change my outfit. But most of all, I worry about my anxiety, I wonder if she had found out.

"The school asked for your number, they said someone may call you in a few days? Just wanted to let you know"

That's all it had been, there was absolutely no reason to spiral into worry. But then, what if I'm wrong?

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I push my covers high so that they're covering my head, shielding me from the horrors of the world. When I was little, I decided that if I couldn't see someone or something, then I wouldn't be seen, either. That's where hiding comes from, at least that's what I think. Even though it's subconscious, what we see can't hurt us. I check my phone again, I already read the message three times over. I just want to make sure. I want to confirm that this time, my worries are justified.