do you know who you are? | harry styles

12: talking

the next day we were in birmingham. harry took me out for breakfast which was really sweet andbwe decided to talk about all of this.
"so..." i started. "it's clear that we both like each other...it feels weird to say that" i giggled.
"you know you have a really beautiful smile"
i blushed. "Okay, no you" i replied.
"love, take the compliment"
"right, can we just get down to business before i start being awkward?"

"so...i've never really dated anyone. not just because no ones ever liked me. even if someone did...there would be issues. my parents never allowed me to date and they wont let me move out. i still live with them. they want to marry a good christian man then leave and have kids and all that but...i like girls as well. and i like anyone with a good personality. i dont care if youre white or asian or black...if you have a good personality i want to be with you. And i...i know i have some cool job and stuff but i am a person of colour so...people take the mick and my mums struggling hence why i still live with my family. And the...the abuse...god...moving out would just make me feel so much guilt."
"that's so awful mara" harry looked so sad.

"growing up wasn't easy. i wasnt allowed to have friends who were boys. i had to pretend. i wasnt allowed to do a lot of things or wear certain clothes. i wanted to study certain subjects. whenever i did anything my family would say im trying to be white. my mum would find out if i did anything she disliked" i looked at him. "it was...emotional abuse. and even now my family are unhappy with what i do. they hated me going on tour with you. and theyre always checking social media to see if im doing anything sinful. and...religion isnt bad. its beautiful. but the way it was thrown on to me...just drove me away from it. Like i wanna just leave but my little sister means a lot to me a-and the guilt..."

"mara im so sorry you went through that. but listen to me" harry took my hands. "you're a grown WOMAN - no pun intended. youre allowed to love who you want, youre allowed to move out, wear what you want, be friends with who you want. you made a sacrifice coming on tour with me. and im proud of you. and i understand you were taught to always respect your parents - but theyve fucked you up"
"thing is harry...im terrified. and my parents arent bad people. its just...their views. A-and...the guilt...i cant go through that again..."

"live with me" he said simply.
"it isnt that easy harry. plus we aren't even together" i replied. 
"i know it isnt. i understand that its extremely difficult for you. but i really want to be with you. and i'll do whatever i can to help you"
"also...my mental health is terrible. ive been suffering for a long ass time. my parents didn't really care and accused me of faking. they never let me go to therapy. there's so much wrong with me and i just dont know if im good enough to date"

"that's not true. your suffering doesn't define you at all"
"i know...i just...a lot of my friends told me i wasnt ready and i agree. i feel like if one thing went wrong it would mess me up. plus i overthink so much" we finished eating and went on a walk. i wanted to hold his hand so bad. but i knew it wasn't the right thing to do. but he slipped his into mine and clutched it tightly.

"so...i don't really know where to go from here" he said.
"harry i really like you. a lot. and i'd love to be your girlfriend. but...im so scared" i replied.
"i understand that you feel that way. it's just..." he sniffled and wiped his eyes.
"are you...crying?" i asked.
"i just want to take all your pain away and make you mine"

"i mean...we could give it a go. we have twenty days left of tour" i suggested.
"in secret?" he grinned. i did too.
"well considering paparazzi...we could try"
"i like it" we went back to the bus and when we got there we stopped holding hands.

"this is going to be epic"