do you know who you are? | harry styles

40: harry's had enough

TW

what harry said played in my mind forever.
"i want to marry you"
"i wish i could meet your family"

i had asked my mum if the family could meet harry but she said no. and it broke my heart. i loved harry so much and i hadn't seen my family in two years. i wished her a happy birthday every year along with other christian celebrations. but she was so disappointed in me.

i'd been crying the whole morning the next day. i'd stayed round harrys as it was really late. he'd gone to hang out with mitch. when he got back and saw me crying in the corner of the living room he ran over and comforted me.
"i miss them so much" i showed him what my mum said. i felt like such a disappointment. my dad could die at any second and i wouldn't know because my family told me nothing. my siblings made 0 effort to contact me. they all just wanted me to be the perfect muslim girl. but what if i just didn't believe?

"mara i know that this must hurt like a bitch. but you should keep trying" he said.
"no. its fine" i got up and left the room. "i'll be back later" i opened the front door.
"wait mara-" i walked out the door and closed it.

i walked down the streets of london crying my eyes out. i had to get away from harry because i was so fucking sad and it was getting worse. i was full on ready to end it all. i didn't have my phone to call harry. i was standing on the ledge of a bridge.

"i wouldn't do that if i were you" a northern accent spoke.
"why not?" i sniffled.
"because it wont make whatever youre going through go away" why did i recognise his voice?
"i have to make it stop"
"maybe you should talk about it first"
"yeah but...it wont make it go away"
"it could help. c'mon"

who was this really kind stranger?
"you look really familiar" he said. i turn around.
"oh" this was awkward.

it was louis.
louis fucking tomlinson.

"i am so sorry" i said.
he chuckled. "For what? I havent met you yet" he extended his hand. "would you like to go on a walk, miss?"
"I cant" 
"And whys that? Y' got other plans?"
"Uhh..."
"Come on" i took his hand and stepped off the ledge

so
i told louis everything.
And cried very hard. But nevertheless he told me to never give up and even so, i could have my own family with Harry.

he was right. he walked me back home and when i got in harry was on the floor in the passage looking through some of my notebooks - which i didnt mind. its like he was trying to find something.  
"harry" i said timidly. "what are you doing?"
"im trying to-mara!" he got up and pulled me into his arms tightly. "dont you ever scare me like that again" he cupped my face with his hands. "you didn't try to do anything, did you?" uhhhh...

"can we talk about it later?" i said quietly. he looked over at the door.
"louis!?" i could hear the excitement in his voice.
"hi harry!" Oh my god, those twats.

they still texted from time to time and hadn't seen each other in ages so i sat in the corner sobbing quietly while they talked.
"you wanna come in?" harry asked.
"nah i gotta get 'ome. and you gotta talk your girlfriend"

fuck.

i hugged louis goodbye and thanked him. he talked me out of suicide.

"so?" harry and i were on the sofa, me in his arms.
"he talked me out of...yknow" i mumbled.
"my god" he pulled me closer to him. "please never do that again; i love you so so much"
"harry, it fucking hurts" i started crying again.

HARRYS POV
it took me a while but i found the right address. mara was fast asleep, her cheeks tear stained and her eyes red. i had to do this. for her.

i knocked on the door. i heard grown adults and teenagers shouting inside and laughing. a man - who looked really traditional - opened up.
"oh hi" he said awkwardly.
"hi, adrian right?" i extended my hand. he was taken by surprise and shook it.
"yeah...uh...what do you need?"
"i was hoping to speak with your parents? its about mara" i replied.
"dads not in"
"well....could i speak to you and your mum?"
"yeah hold on"he closed the door and the house went quiet.
the door opened and a woman opened up. there was no way this women was 50, she looked at least my age.

"hi, im harry...i'll make this quick as i know you all must be busy but..." this was going to be hard.
"i know you dont approve of me and i understand why. but i love your daughter so much. and im sorry that i took her away from you"
"you didnt take her away. we were losing her over ten years ago" her mum replied.
"right...anyway. she talks about all of you non stop. and she really misses you all" i looked at her brother. "especially you"
"and today i came home to see her crying her eyes out. then she went out for a few hours without her phone and when she came back - with my friend who had found her - i found out she..." i wiped my eyes. "she almost ended her life"

her mum looked like she might cry.
"you were aware of her self harm and suicide attempts right? well...it never stopped really. when we were on tour last year i found out. and in six months i helped her stop"
"i didnt even know at all" her brother replied.
"im really sorry" i felt bad that i knew before him. "mara told me she never told you because she thought you'd get angry"
"my point is...yes. You dont want her dating due to your beliefs and expectations of her. but i love her so much. she makes me really happy and shes always been there for me. yes i dont fit your expectations but shes a wonderful woman and i cant imagine life without her. so please...could you just consider maybe seeing her again? shes really not okay and i almost lost her today." i asked.
a boy who looked about 15 ran over. "is mara back?"

"you must be dante" i smiled. "mara adores you"
"is she coming back?" He asked.
"she wants to. she misses playing animal crossing with you" i replied.
"that game..." her brother sighed.
"it drives me nuts too" i replied.

i turned to her mum. "im really sorry for interrupting your evening. but i had to do it before i lost her for good. i hope youll consider seeing her again soon"
"yeah uh...thank you" her brother replied.

well that was the scariest thing i've ever done.