Dear Estella,

16. the bearer of bad news

Eggshells.

Eggshells are what Aaron and Asher are walking on anytime they've talked to me today. I noticed it right away, practically the second I walked away from my mom's car and set foot on campus.

Evidently, I have trouble hiding my pain well. My eyes are still puffy from spending the night crying myself to sleep. I couldn't even manage to put my contacts in because my eyes burned from the tears. So I went to school with my glasses on, my hair in a ponytail, a pair of jeans and a black long sleeve.

"Hey, you good, Estella?" Aaron asks as I absentmindedly shove my food around my tray at lunch.

"I'm going to be here for you, Stel. Until the day you decide you don't need me anymore. And even then, I'll still be here for you."

Brooke's words replay in my mind over and over again like a broken record. I haven't talked much. Most of the day I've spent zoning out, thinking about how one of the greatest days of my life ended up turning into my worst nightmare. 

"I'm fine." I nod, cracking my fingers. I try to sound as convincing as I possibly can.

Asher stops indulging in his yogurt parfait, watching me with furrowed eyebrows as I continue to mindlessly mess with the unappetizing food on my plate.

I hate how they're paying extra attention to me today. I've tried to put a mask on, smiling at Asher and Devin's daily bickering and laughing when Aaron makes fun of the both of them after mediating.

But it's so much harder than it sounds.

It's so hard to put on a brave face when on the inside, I feel broken. It takes every ounce of my strength just to smile.

Devin and Asher engage in conversation, but I'm only half-listening. For the most part, I'm drowning in my own thoughts. They're all so loud and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to turn them off.

"Do you wanna walk?" Aaron asks me with a curious look on his face.

I nod, hoping that a stroll around the campus with Aaron will help clear my mind. I pick up my tray of uneaten food and toss it into the trash can.

"Where are you guys going?" Asher asks.

"Walk," Aaron responds.

He nods. "Oh. Cool."

"What do you think they'll make us do on Saturday?" I asked Aaron as we enter the cafeteria. "I've never had detention before."

He smiles. "Really? Not even once in your entire high school career?"

We walk up the stairs to the second floor of the school. I slow my steps, realizing now is the perfect time to tell him I've never even set foot in a high school before this year.

I'm also surprised. Devin could have told Aaron and Asher the morning after I shared it with the group during 'circle time'. She could have gossiped about it, going around saying that's why she's so weird.

"I've never been to a public school." I admit. "Well, never been to a school in general until this year. I've been homeschooled my whole life."

He tries his best to hide his face full of shock, which I appreciate. Nonetheless, his eyebrows raise about a centimeter at my words.

"That's— wow," he replies. "So you've done... online school your whole life?"

"Most of it." I nod.

For my first few years of elementary school, my parents hired someone to teach me what I needed to know. Being five years old, I probably wouldn't have been able to learn anything on my own, so I was grateful my mom cared enough to find someone willing to teach me.