Dear Estella,

27. the deceit of a smile

A single tear streams down my cheeks as I examine the purple bruises, still prominent as ever on my hips. I pull my shirt back down, wiping underneath my eyes as I exit the bathroom.

The pain of seeing them on my body hurts more than the actual pain of the bruises does. I can't stand the constant reminder of how weak— how stupid I am every time I take a shower. Every time I look in the mirror.

So much for having common sense.

I should have known. No one else would have entered that bedroom. Anyone else would have waited in the stupid line instead. But no, not me. I entered the bedroom. I didn't wait in the stupid line.

I'm mad at myself. All I feel is anger toward my poor judgement. I'm mad at Jacob for trying to take advantage of me, knowing how completely helpless I would be in the situation.

I'm mad at Madison and Vanessa for misleading Jacob, making him think I wanted something that I had no absolutely no desire for.

I'm mad at Brooke. I'm mad that she left without a goodbye. Without any sort of explanation. I'm mad that because of her, I no longer have anyone to talk to here. No one to completely be myself around.

"Good morning," Asher says with a smile as I get inside his car. The first thing I notice is that Aaron isn't in the passenger seat. Devin sits there instead, which is new. I decide on refraining from asking where Aaron is based on the teasing I received from Asher the last time I asked.

"Good morning." I sigh, setting my backpack on the seat beside mine. "Why are you wearing sunglasses?"

"You know, hungover from the party," he replies, driving away from my house.

"The party was on Friday. It's... it's Monday."

"Alright, you got me." He laughs. "I'm hungover from the after after party."

"God, you're so stupid." Devin groans.

"Fuck off," he replies. "And by the way, Devin, you missed out on Friday. The party was a fucking blast. She missed out, right, Estella?" He peers at me through the rear view mirror with an inquisitive look on his face.

"Mm, not really," I answer. "If I'm being honest, you kind of dodged a bullet by not going."

"Thank you." Devin nods.

"Yeah, thanks a lot, Estella."

I smile, moving my head to look out of the window. He slows the car as he enters the school parking lot.

The thought of my mom meeting with my teachers later on today weighs down on me as we walk to the building of our school. I imagine her being on her best behavior during the conference. But once we get into her car, all is fair game.

"I guess Aaron's not coming to school today," Asher announces as he looks down at his phone screen. He stuffs his phone in his pocket. "That lucky bastard."

"Why not?" I ask impulsively.

If I'm honest, Aaron being absent today gives me some time to think about what I'm going to do when I see him again. Do I hug him? Are we going to kiss again? Who knows? Not me.

"Wouldn't you sure like to know," Devin mumbles from Asher's other side.

"He's doing something with his family, I guess," he explains vaguely with a shrug.

I nod, crossing my arms as we enter the cafeteria. My feet slow down as I watch Jacob walking down the stairs with Josh. He laughs, running a hand through his strawberry blonde hair as he converses.