Dear Estella,

42. the nightmare before thanksgiving

The house is filled with people. Matthew's two siblings, Krista and Anthony, arrived yesterday evening to spend the rest of the week here. Krista, Matthew's younger sister, has four kids, all pretty young. I'm almost certain they've ran up and down the stairs over 100 times today. Anthony, the oldest sibling, has two kids— both are pretty close to my age.

It already feels like Thanksgiving night, all the adults together, sitting at the table. All of the kids, including myself, hanging around in the living room.

"Who would ever find you attractive? I'm confused," David says with a disgusted face after listening into Ansley explaining her boy problems to me.

If I'm honest, I zoned out one too many times while Ansley was talking. I nodded along and tried my best to stay focused as she told me about Xavier, her boyfriend who's no longer really her boyfriend, yet is still her boyfriend. Whatever that means.

"Do you really love him?" I ask her.

She takes a deep breath. "I—"

"She only wants to date him because then she gets to go to prom." David rolls his eyes. "Juniors who get to go to prom are apparently the coolest people alive."

I nod slowly, not seeing how a junior attending senior prom makes them cool. Maybe it's because I've been homeschooled my entire life.

You think?

"Stop acting like you know everything, David. You're like, five," she replies, reaching over to smack his head.

"You're just mad cause I'm right." He shrugs.

"You don't know anything, freshie."

I look down at my phone, which lights up with a text from Asher. We've practically been texting since I arrived. He's asked me how it's going. I say the same thing every time. It's going good.

"David! Come play Mario Kart with us!"

One of their cousins, Maya, waves him over from the staircase. He groans in response before reluctantly making his way toward her. As I watch him walk to the stairs, something else catches my eye. It feels impossible to look away from what's in front of me.

Avery, sitting on my mom's lap. She laughs as my mom grabs her arms and moves them in a rhythmic motion. Avery pulls her hands down, stuffing them onto her lap. My mom laughs, leaning over to press a kiss onto her cheek.

I can't seem to peel my eyes from the scene. The pain in my chest is impossible to ignore. I wish it didn't hurt.

It shouldn't hurt, not anymore.

"She's a great person. Your mom."

Ansley's voice tears me from my trance. I turn to her, caught off guard. I can't help but look back to the dinner table again, watching as my mom continues holding onto Avery's small hands in her own. I stare at the ear-to-ear smile on her face.

"She really cares about us. I can tell," she continues with a smile. "Especially Avery."

I fight back tears threatening to escape from my eyes. "Yeah, she does."

"It's nice, especially cause Avery's never had a mother figure," she explains. "My mom dipped right after she was born, said she couldn't handle more kids. My dad was... well, he was devastated. It took him a while to start dating again. Your mom's the first who's showed so much interest in not only him, but his family."

I nod along, not having much to say.

Tears prick my eyes, but I won't let them fall. I can't just start crying out of nowhere, not in front of all of Matthew's family.