THE LIGHT OF LOVE | JENLISA

Chapter 18.

Jennie kept scolding herself in her mind. This was the second time she blacked out in one week. Knowing that the blackouts occur when she lets her negative emotions take over, she promised herself that it should never happen again. She should be able to control her anger better. "Why did I even get so mad in the first place?" she asked herself. What Lisa said obviously hurt, but she certainly had good intentions, she only meant to help. Jennie sighed and then remembered how she fled from the classroom, flustered by Lisa's words. "Why the hell did I blush? Why did I care if someone thought we were making out?" the questions in her mind were piling up. It was all very confusing, because Jennie considered herself to be an aromantic person. She found that word on wikipedia: it described someone incapable of feeling romantic love. And it fit her perfectly or at least that's what she thought. Because in all her life, Jennie never experienced that emotion and she lost hope that she ever could. When people around her were talking about their girlfriends, boyfriends, crushes or sex, she would usually just ignore it because all these things were as alien to her as for example flying a plane. Strangely enough, Jennie was okay with the fact that she may never love anyone. Even more, she fully accepted that she may never be intimate with anybody. Or kiss anyone.

"Who needs to be kissed anyway, it's kind of gross if you think about it." her mind scoffed at her. Besides, she should really stop thinking about such stupid things, there were more pressing issues to worry about.

"Hey Jen, wait!" she heard a familiar voice. Jisoo caught up to her with a friendly smile. "How did your talk with Lisa go, did you patch things up?"

Jennie flinched.

"Would you be very mad if I told you that I don't want to talk about it?" she replied apologetically. "I'm sorry, but ask Lisa about it if you want."

"I did ask her and she wouldn't say a thing, that's why I came to you. What the hell happened again between you two, why the hell you're both so damn confusing-" Jisoo went on a rant.

"There's a reason why we don't-" she paused, "why we can't tell you what happened, okay?" Jennie saw pure, genuine concern in Jisoo's eyes and it made her heart soften a little. "But you shouldn't worry, me and Lisa are just fine, really. It's just that our relationship-" she stumbled a little on the last word "Our relationship can be quite... rocky and turbulent. For reasons that we don't have control over. I hope you can understand that."

"I swear I'll have to kill you both if you keep being this mysterious and confusing!" Jisoo almost yelled throwing her hands in the air in despair, but quickly composed herself. "But okay, as you wish, we'll leave you be." she hesitated and then added in a soft voice. "You know, Lisa may not always act like that because she's had a fair share of troubles in her life, but she... she has a good heart. Remember that."

"I know." Jennie's reply was just a whisper.

She glanced at Jisoo's eyes again and noticed that she was looking at Rosé coming over to them. And at that moment Jennie felt something else except concern. It was a brand new feeling for her and it was so wonderful and beautifully mesmerizing that it completely amazed her. "What is it?" her astonished mind kept asking. And then Jennie understood that for the first time in her life she experienced the feeling of love, although it wasn't even her own. She turned her gaze to Rosé's eyes which were clearly fixed at Jisoo and felt the exact same thing again: pure, unconditional love between the two girls. A little stunned by this new experience, Jennie mumbled an apology and scurried away, still not being able to forget how pleasant or even exhilarating the sensation was.

While strolling away, her mind filled with a million confusing thoughts, Jennie stopped abruptly, halted by a sudden, painful realization. She wasn't aromantic, she was able to feel love after all. And her mind, body and soul were longing to enjoy that wonderfully addictive feeling again.

What frightened her even more, she realized that she even desired it: she desperately wanted to love and be loved.

***

"Dad, can I ask you a professional question?" Lisa asked. They were just coming back from their dinner they usually had two times a week.

"Professional question? What do you mean Liz?"

"Psychology-related." Lisa replied. Her father studied psychology and had his own practice as a therapist.

"Sure." Mr. Manoban was quite surprised, it was the first time his daughter expressed interest in his work.

"I have a friend and she has this weird condition: she sometimes... just blacks out for some time. When she wakes up from that state, she doesn't even remember what happened, what she was doing... What could that be?"

"That's a tough question dear. First of all, she should get a brain scan to see if there's maybe some some sort of brain damage or neurological disorder-"

"What if all brain scans are fine, can it be a purely a psychological condition?"

"Theoretically yes, although I've never seen such a case myself. Tell me more about her, what causes these blackouts, are they random?"

"No, it happens when she gets mad or when she's experiencing strong emotions in general..."

"Interesting. Maybe also when she feels hurt?"

"Yes!" Lisa confirmed excitedly.

"From a psychological standpoint it's quite clear. Her brain partially shuts off to protect her from experiencing pain or anxiety. It's a sort of defense mechanism."

"And what can I do to help her?"

"You shouldn't do anything on you own, she should only be treated by professional psychiatrists-"

"Oh, could you just once in your life stop being so damn principled!?" Lisa's sudden outburst startled her father. It was true, he was a very conscientious man, always following the rules, perhaps even too much for his own good. He didn't want to be seen as such by his own daughter. Clearing his throat, he went on:

"There are two things that would be helpful. First, make her understand that pain and negative emotions are a part of life, and we shouldn't avoid them, we should learn how to deal with them. And the second thing is more complicated. Tell me, has she been unhappy in her life?"

"Yes. Very much." Lisa answered, impressed by her father's intuition.

"Well, she needs to feel more positive emotions to offset the impact of the negative ones."

"I don't understand..."

"Liz, as obvious as it sounds, she needs reasons to feel happy with her life. Then her tragic memories won't seem so devastating and she'll be able to accept them and move on."

Lisa nodded.

"But let me tell you, making someone happy is an extremely difficult thing to do. I mean, people have been trying to discover the recipe for happiness for hundreds of years and we still aren't sure what it is." he warned.

"I know. But I'll try anyway." Mr. Manoban didn't say anything but hearing these words made him more proud of his daughter that he was willing to admit.