Rental Boyfriend [NAMJIN]

Chapter 21: My Fault

"Why would you do that to me?" His voice was hoarse, a broken whisper rather than a statement. The previous night had been broken hearts, tears and blurred memories, last night had been sorrow, that was all there was to it. But now? Now he solely felt betrayal.

Betrayal, for he had trusted her, and she broke said trust. Betrayal, because whilst he had to pick up the shattered pieces of both himself and his career, she got the promotion which was meant to fall on him. Seokjin always knew that breaking rules was never a good thing, but he never knew that the consequences for doing so would have such a wired effect on him.

"I'm sorry Seokjin-san." Ayaka spoke tiredly, her eyes unfocused as she glanced in his direction. Seokjin inhaled sharply, then exhaled deeply.

"I thought I could trust you Ayaka-san, I thought we were friends." Seokjin stormed off, betrayal turning into rage very quickly. He was furious, he damn well knew it.

If it weren't for Ayaka, then perhaps everything could've been alright. If it weren't for Ayaka, then maybe, just maybe he would've been able to keep Namjoon. Seokjin shook his head, no, it was his own fault that he chose his career over Namjoon, it was own fault that he wasn't prepared to juggle the lie. However, it didn't feel as if it was his fault. He wanted so badly to place the blame on another, to convince himself that his misery wasn't at the hands of his own selfishness.

He understood that it was irrational, he knew very well that it was irrational. However, he didn't understand why it was that way. His mind was seemingly blurred, he was numbed from everything outside his own heartbreak. With Namjoon, he was charismatic, charming, intelligent, happy, beautiful, but without him?

Without Namjoon, Seokjin was nothing other than a pretty face on the street.

--

"Seokjin?" The client asked, touching his arm in concern. She was a lady who was wise beyond her years, however she was also lonely. She had hired him to combat that loneliness, once a month, they would talk and he would bring her comfort. He was basically being rented as a therapist, but he didn't mind. Seokjin was spaced out, looking to the photographs around the room and being reminded of himself and Namjoon, who might've had few photos physically but, in their minds, they had more photos than people would ever take into account.

Seokjin turned back to her and smiled apologetically, a business smile more than anything else, he didn't care if she saw through it or not.

"I'm okay. Continue on with what you were saying." She continued to speak in a soft, low voice, still looking at Seokjin with worry in her eyes. Seokjin let his mind wander again, usually, he would be very interested in the experiences she spoke of, however, that day he couldn't focus. He briefly heard the words "career" and "interest", which struck him harder than it should've.

Was he really interested in his job anymore? He didn't know. He used to find it intriguing to meet new people, to help act out their scenarios without a hitch. He used to find it amusing to act as if he was really a part of someone else's life, because in reality, he didn't truly have a life of his own.

Seokjin didn't have friends to go places with, he didn't have family to visit, as he had distanced himself from them long ago. He worked, then went home. That was all he ever did. Seokjin at first didn't understand why he had such a charismatic personality when he barely socialised, then he realised what it really was. It wasn't charisma, it was charm.

"Seokjin-san... please tell me what's wrong. You don't seem to be very in focus today, you used to seem very happy, as if you had found someone in your life." Seokjin's ears perked at the last few words and his head snapped towards her, listening intently. "But now you seem sad. Very sad. What did happen Seokjin-san?" Seokjin sighed quietly, sadness filling his eyes to the brim, however completely devoid of tears.

"I was happy before, you are very much correct there, you're an observant woman you know." She chuckled gently, waving her hand slightly.

"You flatter me Seokjin-san, that is quite a prominent part of your personality."

"Namjoon thought so as well." She tilted her head gently and took the time to observe Seokjin, to see what he was really feeling.

"Tell me about Namjoon, Seokjin-san." He told her everything. From the way Namjoon's eyes shined at the thought of his passions, to the way he handled Jimin, from their relationship, to their demise.

"I'm not supposed to feel this desperate, but I suppose this is what love does. I thought to myself, 'If being selfish and greedy is enough to allow me to keep both love and stability, then I shall be both.' So, that was what I had become. But in the process, I had also become a liability, a burden and a miserable soul. I understand that it's been one day, yet I feel as if it's been years. He was the first person I felt as if I could be myself in front of in years. Hell, we were first friends, and that was a massive milestone in general, then it developed further and further, until I fell for him. I feel empty, I don't know whether it's because of my own actions or my own feelings, but either way it is my own fault, yes?" Seokjin finally allowed himself to fall silent, exhaling through his nose. The woman smiled gently and looked to the distance, an apartment glazed street.

"Don't find someone you would die for, instead, find someone you would live for. As similar as the two seem to be, they are more different than thought. Life is quite miserable Seokjin-san, was Namjoon-san someone you'd sacrifice for or someone you wanted to be happy for the rest of their living days? Consider that, Seokjin-san. I have an errand to attend, good luck." She left briskly, leaving her money on the table for the two of them and disappearing into the midday crowd.

Seokjin-san looked to the uncleaned window and the street beyond it, musing to himself, though he already knew his answers.

'I would do anything for him to be happy.' That, Seokjin knew. He was very aware as to what he desired and what he could actually achieve. However, the two had been clouded in the past and he was anxious that he would fall deeper into a dark cycle if he was the one to take action.

Little did Seokjin know, that he did not have to make the first move. He did not have to do anything, other than apologise and follow the instructions he had been given. For a 14-year-old, ambitious boy was a lot more aware in what he wanted than Seokjin could ever try to be. His name? Jimin.

Author's Note: More angst :')