clumsy | l.h.

twenty-eight

"i let you down, i've been clumsy with your heart again" - Clumsy / All Time Low

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-Luke-

"I don't know if I'm ready to give that up, and I don't want to hurt him. Or myself, honestly. I just can't see myself moving across the country and abandoning him."

I stopped the voicemail message before it could finish, already having listened to it probably ten times since I had gotten home from work the night before. Obviously, Violet didn't intend for me to hear that, and she must have just forgotten to hang up after she called me. I had waited all day to hear from her, anything at all. But aside from the normal, casual text messages, she hadn't mentioned anything.

Not a word about the job offer in San Diego. I should have assumed as much, since she was obviously struggling a lot with the decision. I was sure she probably just felt like this was a choice she was going to have to make on her own. And she was probably right.

I put my phone down on my bed next to me, putting my head in my hands. I couldn't stand the thought that I was the reason that she was thinking about passing up an opportunity at her dream job. I felt sick to my stomach. And what could I possibly say to her? She didn't know that I knew, and she clearly didn't want me to know, at least not yet.

And as guilty as I felt, of course there was that one selfish part of me. The one that wanted her to stay, and was glad she was considering it, for me. But at the same time, what kind of strain would that put on us? 

When I finally realized that the conflicting thoughts bouncing around in my head weren't going to do me any good, I stood up and made my way into the kitchen, pouring myself a bowl of cereal. I sat down at the counter, but couldn't force myself to do anything more than swirl my spoon around the bowl. I watched the Cheerio's spin around, getting lost in my incredibly distracting thoughts once again.

Calum brought me back into reality as he walked into the kitchen, "Hey, man. What's up with you?"

I shrugged, pushing my bowl away from me, "Not hungry, I guess. You want this?"

Calum shook his head, "I'm just going to grab a bagel or something on the way to work. Hey, you want to go out tonight? I was just thinking it's been a while, and Michael also has the night free."

Ugh. If I wasn't even in the mood for breakfast, I hardly thought I would be in the mood for a night out. I just sighed, "Maybe, I'll think about it and let you know."

He gave me a weird look, "Alright, it's not the end of the world, we don't have to go. Just give it some real thought, will you?"

I gave him a half-hearted nod as he walked out the door, wondering if I should have told him what was really going on. Or Michael, for that matter. But the more I thought about it, what good would that do? They wouldn't know what to do either.

In fact, there was only one person I trusted to help me figure all of this out. I pulled my contacts open and scrolled until I found my mom. I waited anxiously for two rings, until she finally picked up on the third, "Luke?"

I smiled a little to myself, "Hey, Mom."

"How are you? Is something wrong?"

"No, no. Well, actually, maybe? I think I just need some of your classic advice, I guess."

She laughed lightly through the phone, "Oh, well let me see what I can do to help."

I sighed, tapping my fingers against the countertop, "Well, someone that I really, really care about has to make a really hard decision. And, even though it does involve me a little, I don't want to be the reasoning in their decision, if that makes sense. And they don't even know that I know, which only makes it more complicated. I guess I just don't know how I can help, or if I should help at all. This...Thing, it's really important to them. And it's bigger than the two of us."