Raiza's Burden

Chapter 37: Temporary Respite

When Siddharth went back to the hospital, Raiza was half awake still loaded on painkillers she was in and out of consciousness. "Hey..." she greeted him as he approached her and kissed her forehead. She smiled up to him. "Are you ok?" he asked. Raiza nodded. She tried to sit up but he told her to stay in bed. 

"Where is our daughter?" she asked him. 

Siddharth sighed "Raiza, we couldn't save her" he whispered.

The shock of the news and the pain in Siddharth's voice choked her. Her heart hurt and she cried. Siddharth stood by her holding her hand and restraining himself from reaching out and holding her in his arms. She reached out and catching his collar pulled him in a hug. 

"Sid I want my baby back, please, do something" she begged. "I want her back, please Sid" Her pleading ripped his heart out and he gave in. He scooped her into his arms and holding her cried with her in pain at the loss of their first child. Sid knew that was going to be their last child. His desire to have kids and the frustration of ten years of wasted time had all broken him from the inside. 

They had held each other for a long time before Raiza fell back into a deep sleep. Her stress had led to her heart monitor going crazy and the nurse coming to separate them and give sedatives to Raiza. Sid has tried to explain to the nurse that his wife needs him at the moment but she tried to get him to step outside. At that point Raiza refused to let go of Sid, she even threatened the nurse to walk away from the hospital if she didn't stop bothering them. Finally, the nurse gave up and injected sedatives into Raiza to calm her down. Soon after Raiza fell asleep in Siddharth's arms and he laid her down on the bed. 

It took Raiza another week to be discharged with a stern warning from the doctors that they were noticing symptoms of depression in Raiza and that she may need counselling and medication to overcome it. Sid assured them he will provide the best medical care to his wife and got her discharged from the hospital. He had cleaned the house to ensure his wife is not reminded of the past few days. When he brought Raiza back to the house he let her sleep in his bed instead of the room she has occupied before the hospitalization. He had permanently locked that room and placed a huge bookshelf barring the view. Raiza seemed to have forgotten everything that happened before the hospitalization. Siddharth had started a new routine of taking care of his sick wife and balancing his business. It was taking a toll on him but he didn't care. Raiza had refused his suggestion to sleep in a separate room. She made him promise that he will not abandon her. Her need for him kept him from making any changes at that moment. 

Siddharth was very aware that the loss of their baby girl had left them both shattered, and Raiza was struggling to accept the reality of the heartbreaking situation. Overwhelmed by grief, her mind had started to unravel, and she was experiencing hallucinations, blurring the line between reality and her inner turmoil. The weight of her emotions had become unbearable, and as a result, she clung desperately to him, seeking solace and security in his presence.

Every night, Raiza was haunted by nightmares every night she was tormented in her sleep. Many nights she dreamt of herself standing in the nursery, staring at the empty crib that was meant to hold her baby girl. The room was eerily quiet, and the absence of her child's cries felt suffocating. She reaches out to touch the soft blankets and toys, only to find them slipping through her fingers like a mirage. The sight of the untouched nursery served as a painful reminder of the daughter she never got to hold. In another haunting dream, Raiza found herself in a beautiful garden filled with laughter and joy. She could hear children playing, but she couldn't see their faces clearly. As she approaches them, the children's laughter began to fade, and they turn into blurry figures. Panic consumed her as she desperately tried to catch glimpses of her own daughter among them, but she couldn't discern her presence. In another distressing nightmare, Raiza was on the phone, trying to reach out to Sid to share the news of their daughter's birth. However, no matter how many times she dialed his number, the call never connects. She would wake up from the nightmare screaming and sweating. Sid held her close to him speaking softly calming her down and persuading her to go back to sleep. 

The trauma of the loss had profoundly affected Raiza's mental and emotional well-being, leaving her in a perpetual state of fear and sadness. She became increasingly dependent on Sid, fearing that being alone would lead her to confront the harsh truth she wanted to avoid. In her anguish, she constantly pleaded with Sid not to leave her side, as if his presence was the only anchor keeping her from drifting further into despair.

She becomes withdrawn from the outside world, choosing to shut out any reminders of her loss. Raiza isolated herself from friends and family, preferring to remain cocooned with Sid, the only person she felt she can lean on during this tumultuous time. Her mental state left her disoriented, and she struggled to differentiate between her waking moments and the hallucinatory visions that plague her.

As the days passed, it became evident that Raiza's mental health was deteriorating. She struggled to engage in everyday activities, her appetite disappeared, and sleep becomes elusive due to the nightmares that haunted her. Her reliance on Sid became all-encompassing, as she clings to him as a lifeline amid the storm of her emotions. She seemed unable to find the strength to confront the tragedy she has endured, seeking refuge in the presence of her husband, who became her crutch to navigate the overwhelming pain.

Siddharth watching Raiza disappearing into the depths of darkness started feeling helpless and desperate. His emotional turmoil ran deep as he grappled with the aftermath of the loss of their baby girl and the challenges of supporting his wife, Raiza. Overwhelmed by grief and guilt, Sid struggled to process his own emotions while trying to be a pillar of strength for Raiza.

The guilt he carries for not being home when Raiza's water broke weighed heavily on his heart. He finds himself endlessly replaying the "what-ifs" in his mind, wondering if he could have prevented the breached labour had he been there. This guilt is a burden that he can't seem to shake off, leaving him feeling powerless and blaming himself for the tragic outcome.

As he witnesses Raiza's deep depression and desperation, Sid tried his best to be there for her, but he is uncertain about how to support her. He fears that any action or word might trigger further distress, causing him to tiptoe around her emotions. This uncertainty left him feeling inadequate and helpless, further exacerbating his own emotional turmoil.

One of Sid's biggest struggles was carrying the secret about Raiza's inability to have another baby. He grappled with how and when to share this heartbreaking news with her, knowing that it will add another layer of pain to her already fragile state of mind. He feels torn between wanting to punish her and protect her. The doctors had told him that one of the causes of the breech birth could be the birth control pills she had been on for years.  They were not sure but the guess was the contraception had weakened her womb and created havoc on her over all health without her even knowing it. Sid had been shocked to know that while he craved to have children she had deceived him by using contraception and it built another layer of lies and deception in their relationship. 

As Sid navigates his own grief and tried to be a supportive husband, he found himself overwhelmed and emotionally drained. He had moments of feeling lost and alone, unable to find an outlet for his emotions as he tries to remain strong for Raiza. The weight of his guilt and the burden of the secret he carried become heavy on his mind, impacting his own well-being.

In his quest to be the rock that Raiza needed, Sid also neglected his own emotional needs. He suppressed his pain and fears, pushing them deep within himself to prioritize Raiza's well-being. However, this emotional suppression took a toll on him, leaving him emotionally distant and struggling to process his own grief. As the days passed, Sid realized that he couldn't continue to carry the weight of his own emotions and the secret alone. He sought solace in the support of his father and one night called him to confide in him while Raiza was sleeping after the sedatives began their work.