How too love again?

Is it the end? part-1

The worst part of them breaking up is their family. The shared one. The fact that they lived together. It was creating a different schedule around when the other was around. Shehnaaz tried to give him the space he had asked and he spent as much time away from home as he possibly could.

Preeti Di's (Sidharth's sister) permanent scowl when Shehnaaz was around made everything icy and painful and just plain wrong. Rita aunty couldn’t look her in the eye and even her own mother only talked to her when she would start the conversation. She heard the whispers between Rita aunty and her mother, hushed when they thought everybody was asleep. But Shehnaaz hadn’t slept in a while, so she heard.

‘Sana ne Sidharth ka dil toda. Abhi voh ghr kbhi nhi aaega. Voh graduate hote hi yaha se chla jaaega.'

‘Sachi batau meko be pata nhi tha ki voh kbhi be asa kar sakti hai.'

'Bache naadan hote hai galtiyaan krte hai but, Sana baki bacho jasii nhi hai. Pata nhi kyaa soch rhi thi?!'

The curtains remain shut as they were the day of the kiss and Sidharth left and she looked out to find Asim there, longing look on his face. She refuses to ever open them again, sunlight be damned. She doesn’t deserve sunlight, she doesn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy. She’d fucked up. God, she fucked up so bad and she doesn’t even know why.

Was she so permanently damaged that she couldn’t fucking keep what was right for her? What made her happy? Maybe she was doomed to live a miserable life, all her doing. Maybe she wasn’t meant for happiness.

God, she felt so alone. Shefali shut her out, rightfully so, not before sending a message that sounded so much like breaking up a business deal Shehnaaz couldn’t bring herself to cry any more.

‘Aaj ke baad meko tujhse koe contact nhi rkhna hai. Byee.' (Shefali's text)

She hadn’t just made a mistake. She ruined her life. The love of her life. Her best friend. Her family. Her future. All of it. Now she was alone, she felt unwelcome in what used to feel like home. Sidharth was sleeping the basement. Everyone hated her and she had no one to blame but herself.

“Rita Aunty kya main apse baat kr skti hun?"  She questions, walking cautiously into the kitchen.

Rita aunty looks up from her coffee, face expressionless. 

“Haan bache? Kya baat hai?"

Shehnaaz  looks down at her hands, palms dented with crescent moon wounds, her ability to control it also ruined by her own hands. “Meko bas yeh batana thaa ki jasie hi graduation ho jaayegi, main New York ke liye nikal jaaungi. Maine vaha sb arrangement kr li hai. Flat vagera be sab final ho gaya hai toh main yaha se jldi se jldi chli jaungi. Sidharth humare.. mera matlab h uske room me vps jaa skta hai. Main apni saari cheeze lekr chali jaaungi." She pauses, trying to keep the tears at bay. She’d practiced, she could do this without breaking down.

"Maine already flat rent kr liya hai or main aaj se hi packing chlu kr rhi hun New York ke liye baki saari cheeze meri yaha se chli jaaegi jb main jaungi." She explains, nails digging into her palms. “And meri tension nhi hai." She breathes out. “Maine decide kiya hai ki mummy mujhse milne aaegi agar milna hua toh. Or agar voh nhi aati toh main aa jaugi but main yaha nhi hotel me rhungi. A..apko chalega?"

“You’re bleeding, Sana” Rita aunty’s eyes are filled with worry, in a way that reminds her of Sidharth which only makes her cry harder. She doesn’t even notice that Rita aunty is guiding her to the bathroom until she’s sat on the toilet and Rita aunty is rummaging through the cabinets.

“Please don’t.” She murmurs quietly, sobbing. “Please don’t help me. I don’t- I don’t deserve it. Please.” Rita aunty ignores her, instead she opens her hands and starts disinfecting the wounds. “I swear I stopped doing this.” The sudden shame she feels at someone else other than Sidharth knowing about this hits her with a newfound strength. “I just-“

“Ispr bandages lagani hogi ok beta?" Rita aunty’s voice is soft and she sobs loudly. “Dubara asa mat krna."

“I don’t deserve this.” She chokes out painfully.  “Rab di sau ap meko yaha kbhi be nhi dekhoge, jbhi main yaha se chali jaaungi pakaa.. aap log meko kbhi nhi dekhoge or main kbhi..k.kbhi vaps nhi aaungi." The ugly desperate feelings that have caged her as of late make its appearing, clawing at the walls of her misery. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her chest is heaving up down, everything feels so out of control and she can’t breathe. She’d lost everything. She’d lost everyone over a stupid fucking kiss.

“Sana! Bachaa udhr dekho!!” She looks into Rita aunty's eyes. And Rita aunty grabs hold of her, kneeling in front of the toilet, holding her against. “Breathe, Sana.” She tries to soothe her but it’s to no avail. “You’re having a panic attack, sweetheart. You need to breathe. Focus on my breathing.” It’s the first time in a week someone’s held her, talked to her in a way that hadn’t felt distant or like they’d rather be anywhere but there. “It’s okay. I forgive you. It’s okay, bacha.” Rita aunty sighs, rubbing her back. “I forgive you.”

It takes a good ten minutes before she’s able to actually breathe normally but Rita aunty stays with her, holding her, keeping her in place.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers brokenly. “I don’t-I’m so sorry.”

Rita aunty frowns. “You need to take care of yourself.” She murmurs. “You can’t do this.” Taking her hands in hers, she sniffles. “Sana meri baat suno.” She makes her look up at her. “I know you regret this. I know that. Before Sidharth can forgive you-““

“He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t forgive me. I’ve never deserved him. He’s always been too good for me.” Shehnaaz shakes her head.

“Shehnaaz...tumne usko hurt kiya hai bacha. Or mera beta bhot insecure hai... Or tumko Asim pr bachpan se crush tha. But Sidharth ne humesha tumse pyar kiya hai. Or yeh.. yeh uska worst fear Ki tumne Asim ko choose kiya. 

“It was a stupid mistake. I don’t love Asim. Asim’s an idiot. I love Sidharth.”

Rita aunty chuckles softly. “I know tum Sidharth se pyaar krti ho. Bhot saari cheeze ki hain tumne yeh tumare pyaar ka prove hai. Bacha tune mere Sidharth ko kitni baar sambhala hai. And meko uske baare baat nhi karni ki kyu or kasie huaa. Bacha time aane par voh tumko maaf kr dega."

“Par phele jasa kuch nhi hoga.”