How too love again?

Chapter 3

“Mind if I join you?” Preeti Di smiles sweetly.

“Haanji di aajao.”

Preeti Di sits beside her and is silent for a few seconds. Shehnaaz doesn’t find the strength to make small talk and she’s sure Preeti Di isn’t here for that either.

“Are you okay?” Preeti Di asks.

“Haan di yeh one of the best day hai mera kaafi time ke baad” Shehnaaz answers sincerely. “Bs thoda.. thodi saas leni thi.”

Preeti Di nods. “Right.” She pauses. “Yeh pura khali tha jb tum chale gaye the.” Preeti Di’s eyes look around slowly. “ Pura ghr. Phele tum gayi phir Sidharth be chala gaya voh bas....” She shrugs.

“I’m sorry.” Shehnaaz murmurs quietly. She wishes she had given herself the choice to stay a little longer but she knows it would’ve been worse, but she’s sorry for the emptiness.

“Meko adat pad gayi thi tum dono ko dekhne ki.. jbhi tu or Sidharth apne me mastiya vagera krte the. Un sab ki adat thi.” Preeti Di confesses. It’s a strange thing to see her like this, so open. She’d missed out on seeing Preeti Di because of her mistake too. She hates that that one mistake impacted literally everyone in her life. “I missed you. Koe nhi tha yaha teri jasie masti or baaten krne vala.”

Shehnaaz lets out a soft breath. “I missed you too, Di. And I’m sorry for...”

She waves her off. “It’s okay. It really is. Main bhi tumari age se gayi thi. Meko be pata hai voh time tumko kasia feel ho raha hoga. Sb confusing hota hai... Or phir tum kasie vps aa gaye binaa dark side pr gaye.” Preeti Di laughs softly. “Sb get over ho jaate hai. Sidharth be. Especially Sidharth. Abhi tum dono ghr aae ho yeh toh special hai.”

“Yeah,” Shehnaaz discreetly wipes a tear away with the end of her suit. “Thank you, Preeti Di. Mujhse nafrat nhi krne ke liye.”

Preeti Di frowns and she looks so much like her brother. “Kisi ne be tumhe hate nhi kiya tha. Kbhi be nhi."

"Main khud ko krti hu.. but main abhi sikh rhi hun." Shehnaaz smiles.

“Well, agar teko kbhi be reminder chahiye ki hum sb teko pyaar krte hai toh tu meko adhi raat ko bhi phone krkr puchegi toh main khushi khushi bataungi ki main or sb teko kitna pyaar krte hai.”

Shehnaaz laughs. It doesn’t feel quite as hard to look at her. “I will, Di.”

“Tum hi khali meko di bulati ho abhi be. Or ek Sidharth dekho voh tak di nhi bulata.” Preeti Di laughs.

“Oh... Main apko kuch or bula skti hu agar-“

“No!” Preeti Di laughs. “Acha lagta hai.”

Acha lagta hai.

•

It's been 2 months since Sidharth and Shehnaaz are back to New Jersey. They're still friends and they talk too each other all the time... Now it's New year's Eve Sidharth is still with Arti. They’re at his apartment with everybody in their group of friends plus a few people they had brought and it hurts like a bitch to see him with her, partly because he seems happy. Partly because Sidharth seems so at ease with his life, Shehnaaz wonders how she fits into it.

So, she’s certain that the bottle of tequila slowly being decimated is her fault, along with Sheena. She feels wasted, the world spins off it’s axes and she’s in the bathroom alone, throwing up. She wants to get her shit together and call an Uber but even her fucking iPhone won’t recognize her face and she can’t remember her passcode. She’s a disgrace. She’s the biggest mess she’s ever known and still, the only clear thought in her head is him.

Just as she lurches over the toiled again, she feels a gentle hand on her back and another in her hair. She recognizes it’s his the moment his fingertips graze her skin.

“Fuck.” She mumbles, as she leans back against the bathtub.

“Hey, easy.” Sidharth smiles kindly. She feels embarrassed, all she can think about is tomorrow morning and how it’ll feel to enter a new year this way and how Sidharth will never want her again when she’s such a mess. “Tu theek hai? Maine guest room set kiya hai tere liye vaha sojaa or Sheena ke pass extra kapde be hai yaa tum meri t-shirt or shorts dalkr so janaa okay? Or baki hai?”

She nods her head. She thinks there’s nothing else to get out of her system, except the words that come to her when he lies her down on the bed. The party has died down, most people have gone home and Sidharth is with her at the edge of the bed.

“I’m in love with you.” She says because it’s true and because the words burn in her throat just as much as the acidic taste of her own bile.

“You’re drunk.” He whispers in the dark and he looks so beautiful. He looks so beautiful she could kiss him if she could stand.

“Agar main sober be hoti na toh be tere pyaar me hogi. Tu mekra hai.. or meta hi ho. Phad ker rkhdungi usko.” She stumbles on the words. Her gaze unfocused as she grips his hand.

He sighs and smiles and then leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, slowly. “Soja Shehnaaz.” He murmurs before standing up and slipping out of the room.

She knows she’ll regret it in the morning.

“I’m sorry, tum hosh me ho jo bhi tum bol rhi ho??” Sidharth laughs bitterly, aggressively throwing the empty beer bottles into the bag. It’s New Years Day. Shehnaaz is still asleep in his guest bedroom. Arti had stayed over and was helping him clean up, but if she had annoyed him last night, she was certainly pissing him off this morning.

“Yes, main hosh me hi hun Sid!! Main tumse gussa hu tu mujhe chod kr chala jaata hai jbhi be Shehnaaz koe problem me hoti hai!!” Arti is standing in the middle of the kitchen and Sidharth has a hangover and he’s pretty sure this conversation is one they’ve had before.

“Chod kr gaya?” He scoffs.