How too love again?

Silence in my blood part-4

For the first time in three years, Shehnaaz goes home for Diwali. She still has her shitty car that desperately needs fixing, so her and Sidharth pile their things into the car and drive off together to Airport. They sing along to the songs on the radio. They reached airport. Their flight was on time and they slept half of the flight. They reached Mumbai after 16 hours of long flight. Shehnaaz still feels more nervous than she’s felt in a while.

Her mother and Rita aunty seem to be so relieved that her and Sidharth are friends now. They’re excited to have them home, her mother, as Rita aunty had told her, had put out all the stops when it came to food. Preeti Di and Shehbaaz were also coming. She was about to spend Diwali with family for the first time in years after spending the past three years, eating ice cream alone in her apartment.

“Prerti Di bhot khush hai ki tum aa rhi ho." Sidharth murmurs as they’re in the taxi arriving to their flat.

Shehnaaz’s surprised. She was sure Preeti Di hated her and this new piece of information throws her off. She’d talked to Rita aunty, she knew where she stood but Preeti Di wasn’t a topic that came up often. So, knowing that Sidharth’s sister was ‘happy’ she was back was shocking.

“Sachi?” She questions.

Sidharth nods. “ Tum ko nhi pata ki voh tumari bhot care krti hai. Jbhi hum sath the toh voh tumse bhot pyaar krti thi.”

“Sidharth voh meri taraf dekhti be nhi thi jbhi sb kharab ho gaya tha.” Shehnaaz argues.

Sidharth frowns. “Shayad voh tumse gussa thi. Ya unko yeh sab process krne ka time nhi mila. Hum dono directly nikal gaye graduate hote hi kissi ko be time nhi tha.”

The conversation ends there and in ten minutes, they’re pulling up to the front of their building. It’s overwhelming. Sitting in the taxi in front of the place she once called home makes her feel uneasy. Sidharth doesn’t make any gesture to indicate he’s getting out. He sits beside her, noticing the way her breathing’s heavier.

“You okay?”

His question is gentle. Shehy feels transported to a different time. He’d been the only thing to keep her grounded. Steady in his love, unwavering in the way he showed it. And he’s here now too. A different way of seeing each other, heavy in the memories they held in this place together, but he’s here. He still cares. And he’s still her best friend.

“Voh...” she inhaled sharply, voice wavering. “Main kafi time se yaha nhi aae hu naa and last time main - fuck I'm sorry meko laga tha main sambhal lungi.”

“Sana, it’s fine.” He takes her hand in his and she looks at him. “Mere liye be same tha jbhi main 1st time yaha vaps aaya thaa.” Sidharth confesses. “But sab thik ho jaega ok? Abhi hum sath me celebrate krenge Diwali and tu akele yeh kbhi be nhi celebrate karegi ok?”

He makes her smile. It’s a bit conflicting, she’s the sole reason both of them ached the first time being home, she’s why it feels so harsh yet he’s making her smile, because he’d forgiven her. She swears she’s been trying to feel worthy of that forgiveness but there’s also the clear notion that it’ll take a while before she can.

The moment passes, she gets out of the taxi, follows Sidharth inside after a quick comment on how house help will get their bags. Sidharth has a key, she left hers on the kitchen counter the day she left.

“Shehnaaz puttar?” Shehnaaz's mother is crying as she steps out of the kitchen to see her. Shehnaaz doesn’t stop her own tears from falling, instead she hugs her mother tighter. “I missed you, bacha.” She smiles, caressing her daughter’s cheek.

Sidharth is wrapped up in Rita aunty’s arms but soon lets go to greet Shehnaaz's mother. Rita aunty stares at her with this warm look on her face before pulling her in for a hug. It makes her feel sad and happy and nostalgic. She buries her face in her shoulder. There’s a part of her that assumes Sidharth had told her all about what happened when he came to New York, but she’s not sure.

“Bache kasie ho?” Rita aunty rubs her back, chuckling softly. “I missed you, Sana.” She murmurs. “I really did.” And it’s like a little piece lost returns to her body.

“I missed you too.” She chokes out.

•

Nobody hates her.

Nobody hates her.

The realization of the fact happens a lot quicker than she could’ve expected. But she feels loved and Shehbaaz beams proudly, saying that Shehnaaz’s about to be the FBI’s top agent, everyone says of course, of course she would because when does Shehnaaz not excel at something? Sidharth smiles proudly, her mother tries to hide the tears. Rita aunty is loud about her pride.

Preeti Di talks to her about her life and Shehnaaz loves to hear every detail of her work and how she enjoyed all the things, but she grieves the fact that she wasn’t there with her.

All of them they have dinner together. Shehnaaz feels she's on 7th cloud right now. Every thing feels perfect. It's like last three years never happened. They have the same purane vala bond.

After dinner, they decide to play a board game (cracker nhi because of pollution 😁) Sidharth argues Monopoly is a game built to fuel capitalism, Preeti Di tells him he’s no fun, everyone is having fun and Shehnaaz’s still felling out of sorts.

She thinks it’s this perpetual feel of unworthiness she carries with her now. Like she’s unworthy of happiness, of having moments like this. And yes, therapy has given her coping mechanisms but that feeling is never gone and she can’t control when it pops up. Because after feeling unworthy, she feels guilty for feeling it when the people around her seem to only want her to be happy. She wants to be happy without any reservations.

When she loses at the game, she slips out and heads upstairs, saying she needs too go to washroom. What she needs is too breathe, so she walks into their old bedroom, her childhood room and hates that nothing has changed. Exactly how she left it.

A knock on the door startles her as she sits on the bed, lost in her thoughts.

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