It Started With A Fire

Chapter 21: Benjamin

Chapter 21: Benjamin

Days have passed.

All I've felt is anger towards myself and disappointment. I've tried contacting Hazel multiple times just to apologize, but I've had no luck. Zayn won't speak to me at all. I can't blame him, I hurt his best mate, but I thought I was one of them too.

I haven't been back to the dorms since that dreadful day, Zayn won't allow me in. My first instinct was to ask Harry if he had room to spare, but with the daycare him and Shawny are running they're packed. I thought about calling me mum, but she lives out of town. Instead, I decided to ask Niall who was more than happy to offer a place to stay.

I owe him many thanks, more than I can afford to give. Once the bus stopped at the stop by his place, with Benjamin in one arm and some of our belongings in the other, I started walking towards his place. I remember when I saw his place for the first time; my mouth was agape in awe. It was a huge house, much nicer than one my family has ever been able to afford. If he lives here by himself then I understand completely why he'd want us to stay due to the room he has. His parents or himself must be pretty well off, more so than I thought.

Benjamin and I settled in pretty quickly. He loves the place, but I just can't express my enthusiasm anymore. Losing both Hazel and Zayn in one day has taken its toll on me and it's not a very good one. I feel drained and like I have no purpose since I've fucked up so badly.

I'm drawn out of my thoughts by Benjamin laughing and clapping. We're in the basement of Niall's home, giving him some privacy. Little Ben has stacked up his blocks horribly, but to him it's an achievement and he needs to be praised.

"Good job bud," I coo, smiling at him, but I know it doesn't reach my eyes. I haven't had a real smile in days. Sadness has taken over me.

I knew it would be bad when she found out, but not this bad. She's always been so understanding. I thought she would cope. Maybe she just needs time? I sure as hell hope so. I never realized how much she meant to me after I no longer had her. I didn't know the joys of being in a relationship and I was so blind. I miss having someone to cuddle when I such films. I miss the way that she'd get so in to the movie that she'd tell at the characters or end up crying with them. I miss her laugh and that damn smile she always has, especially when she talks about the bands she enjoys. I miss her eating those raisel things that her brother sends her from America. I just miss her.

I know I only dated her for a month when though we've known each other for the past six. I practically knew her when we met thanks to Zayn, but nobody would've guessed it'd end up here. I sure as hell didn't, but I would change a damn thing. Well, maybe I would've told her about my son sooner.

As if he knows I'm thinking of him, Benjamin crawls over to me. He lifts his hand up toward me. I decide to pick him up and kiss his forehead, examining how much he reminds me of Maura and Hunter. I squeeze him tightly, never wanting him to let him go.

"I love you Benjamin," I say for the first time, realizing just now how true it is. I've never been one to express my feelings so Benjamin's confused face at the unfamiliar words make sense. I would've loved him even if Maura and Hunter were alive, but I wouldn't have loved him like my own. I wouldn't have cared for him as so nor seen him as much. I couldn't imagine a life not having Ben, he's everything to me, but a selfish part of me still wishes that fire didn't happen.

Little Ben reaches his tiny hand up to touch my face. His hand rests on my cheek as he stares at me with those blue eyes and for the first time in days, I smile. It's a genuine smile that let's me know that I can be happy even if it is only for a few seconds. I really need to be a better father to him, something I've been saying for awhile and have been trying to do.