「 𝚆𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚕 」───➤кηу

𝚂𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜

Hey guys, how are you? I hope all of you are doing well. I wanna apologized for being inactive and rarely updates, irl stuff has been getting in the way especially school. Though I promise you that i am not planning ok closing this book. I will continue this for as long as I can haha.

Just a warning, this chapter is not a fun one and not requested by anyone. Last night has been rough, and the whole day is not bright. And with my last remaining strength before going to sleep, i elaborated my thoughts.

So don't read this because this won't cheer you guys up. Or maybe i would add a simple storyline in this chapter.

--

I am tired, of all my constant failures with each and every  day of my life – pressuring myself through nonsense and bearing all the words resulting to my frustration. But it's true, I can't deny any of it when it has always been my fault in the very first place. What can I do? What should I say? What word should leave my mouth, expressing my feelings without having them to anger once more. What?

Nothing.

There was no such thing, because any sentence, any phrase and word that my lips unlocked for will always be a loose cog at a simple machine. It would result to an outburst, anger and unbearable madness. And I would never want that, I don't want to feel any more pain, more needles penetrating my skin. No more salt rubbing against my wounded self, no more strike to my torn mentality. I want no more of it.

So I stayed silent. I don't ever want to speak, no more sounds to leave my mouth but let my lips bleed from the bites. Biting my lips, suppressing any tear to come out. Not at least a single drop. I stayed quite, squirming inside as my body embraces the words of pain. Taking them all in, because no more. Please no more.

I don't even know if I can handle it all.

My breathing would always hitched, stopping at every gasps. Crying? I wasn't supposed to cry, I never wanted to cry over shits. Every time I kept my mind healthy, to stay positive, give advices to those needed, and would always be brightened up. But now, I just can't. Why, why am I like this? I want to change. I always thought of myself as a good person, someone mature enough to think positively at all times. I was that kind of person.

Except today.

I never knew, and I never thought that I would hear myself crying again. It's been a while, because I was never fond of crying. Then this time, I felt it. The goosebumps, the overwhelming melancholy rushing inside my body is humongous, and it was so hard to take.

But I didn't hated it.

With my hands rubbing my skin as the soap coated it with silk, it added sentiments. The sobs, silent whispers, and tears – I never knew I could do that. Of all times, of all things I experienced why cry now when the situation is less problematic? I don't  know.

But I do know the feeling of shouting and yelling as you cry.

Benefits of being left alone gave me courage to speak myself up, to let myself hear more of my cry and wails. To hear myself screaming, and the hitching breath I gave. It was my first to be so frustrated. To cry that way. I couldn't even feel my throat hurting, nor seeing my eyes puffed. I didn't bother staring at them.

I might just cry again.

There was no one I could talk to, I was just there; staring at the contacts and the urge of pressing my mom's icon is hard to bear. I wanted to vent, to let her hear my thoughts and help me. Why does she need to be so far away? Then suddenly, my stepfather sent a photo of them eating, and smiling so genuinely that the urge to call her ceased.
I couldn't ruin her day with my childishness, I want to keep that smile on her face.

So I was left alone, no one to lean on. Just me – hugging my worn body as tears never stopped flowing.

I felt numbed, after a few minutes of me whispering to myself that I am pathetic, to stop crying and smile as I always do, to bear the pain and let them, because I know that it is not just me who's hurting.

The only differences is that they can express how hurt they are, while here I am keeping it all.

Lying in the bed, sobbing hard as I clutch onto the pillow. Unable to get up and kept my eyes shut.

Just then, a warm touch embraces my cheeks; making me open my eyes at the sudden feeling. My eyes widened in surprise, the redness of it has teared down. The sight have me gulping, as if keeping my screams once more.

I was met with those pale-purple orbs ⁠— staring into mine as it radiates care and sympathy. I was astonished, surprised and brightened. Even that those menacing looking eyes is able to express such emotions gave me hope. And for that, I teared up once more.

Biting my lips, hiccups and sobs. I feel once more lighened, I was eased up and warmed. The sadness and pain slowly drifted away in such small actions. I loved it. I don't want this to end, I want to stay loved, to be happy once more.

His warm palms soothed my face, bringing affection down my body as he caressed it with much care. And never once I experienced that with anyone else. Just then, I found myself leaning onto his chest, hearing his calmed heartbeat. I felt his arms wrapping around me, securely and firmly pulling me close to him as he hushed me to ceased the pain. And it did.

My hands stayed on his chest before wrapping it around his toned body. It warm, spectacular heat of succour. The thought faded away as I was kept in his loving arms.

And I was even more happy when I felt him planting a kiss atop of my head. And that was my remedy. I was mended.

"Keep yourself together." He whispered softly as I nodded in fathom - bring his words in.

He continued. "Be strong, beloved."

And there I am looking up as tears of joy sprung out of my eyes as I smiled at him. Those sweet white lockes kept him so handsome, those scars have him look intimidated yet so loving. And he gave me such love.

He looked at me once more, stroking my hair in order to bring me peace. I hugged him tight, so tight that I never want to let go.

But the harder I embraced him, it wasn't me who let him go.

He was meant to go.

His form began to fade as my arms felt lighter and lighter. He was slowly disappearing. And I watched him turned into nothingness.

And again, I was once more left alone.

But this time, stronger.

End

Thank you everyone who lightened me up and comforted, without those kind words i may not have been able to cope properly.

Thank you very much.

-Mrs.Shinazugawa