This Is Me Warts And All

Chapter 10✳️

⚠️This chapter deals with the subject of suicide⚠️

They say people commit suicide not because they want to died, but because they wanted the pain to stop. It's true in away for me, sometimes we go through struggles that make or break us. It makes us stronger or weaker.

Sometimes we deal with situations that seem never ending and because we see no end in sight. We think shovelling off this earth is the best way to end the pain. Pain teaches us and life does get better. There is nothing wrong with it at times.

It's when our situation is so overwhelming and is actually fucked up. And the choices before you is stay and be a shell of yourself and never know happiness again or leave it all behind. When you know there is nothing redeeming about the way you've been behaving, you stop caring.

How do you have hope, when you can't see any, you think about having a great marriage and kids and. How I'm right now make that scenario impossible you desperately want it but its impossible so you do the whole thing that will bring you peace. You take your life, that whole suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is bullshit. I'm losing my mother to an abuser and because he's here I don't want my husband to touch me in the bedroom, my marriage isn't going to last long.

My name is a byword for shame, things you want to sweep under the rug, the black sheep of a family. A suicide note should have your confessions about everyone in it, how you feel hurt, abandoned, misunderstood, but some times I was just tired, I say that a lot. It was code for I can't take anymore I'm tired of hurting, crying, being a burden. I see people force to love me because they're family, how's happy they're when I leave the room and they don't interact with me.

I'm a screw up, that much is true, I'm sorry you had to deal with me. Amy couldn't keep her mouth shut. I did her wrong and I'm piss at her. This wasn't the way Alex  wamt to marihe. Fosiswm is Tatumimg me about ispts all. Ahhhh maysbe nor enough rablets.

Monday 21 July 2020

Cassie tried to take her life yesterday, thank god I'm a doctor and she didn't take too many pills. I gave her something to make her throw up. I didn't take her to the hospital straightaway and it's not because I was ashamed of what she did it's because I know what she wants to do with her life.

She has to see a physiologist that will be non negotiable I will pay for one privately. It can be kept quiet. I knew something was wrong, I didn't think whatever it was would drive her to this.

Friday I came home from work and Cassie and I went for a run, we came back to see Meg and Steve kissing, Cassie emptied her stomach on the concrete floor. We went into our house and she brushed her teeth, I kept asking her to tell me what's wrong but she wouldn't. I made our tea and while I ate, she didn't because she wasn't hungry.

I put my arm around her and she looked scared. It just about broke me. I try to get her to eat, I was worried if maybe she's bulimic but she wouldn't eat. I made her pasta and chicken her favourite and she thanks me and ate some of it but kept crying. She went and throw up again. I put away the food giving her a little time to get herself together.  I go upstairs after the kitchen is clean to see Cassie asleep not in our bed but one of the spare rooms. I go and get a glass of orange juice and put it on the bedside table with a plate of fruits. Thinking because it's fruits and not a lot of calories she will eat it.

The next morning I wake up and look in on her and she was gone, I wonder for a brief moment if she left me. She comes back home in workout clothes. She showers and we have breakfast together. We don't say a word to each other. I come home from work to see Meg and Cassie yelling at each other. She leaves and she tells me everyone knows about our affair and goes in her new room.

My father comes by and punches me, he can't believe I would embarrass him like that. He told me how worthless I was for shacking up with a Peterson when I could have had a woman with millions of pounds. He tells me how the Stammers put the rent up on the farm and he doesn't know how he's going to pay it.

After my dad leaves I ask Cassie what happened to cause Amy to break the agreement, she doesn't answer me. She just kept saying sorry she just keeps screwing everything up including other people's life.

I was mad, I was outed as a cheat in a very public way but the truth is these people in this village have known me most of my life. They have only known the Stammers for couple months, I didn't really have anything to fear from them. It was then I realised I hurt and kept hurting Cassie unnecessarily by not telling people about us. Don't get me wrong I wasn't ready for them to know we were married yet. It would be weird as hell walking around with her as a couple knowing people just thought we were friends.

When I woke up the next morning I found Cassie foaming at the mouth and a empty bottle of pills and a wine bottle near her. I glanced at her  iPad and saw she was writing in her diary app. I didn't read it, I needed Cassie to tell me what was bothering her. I knew there wasn't a lot of pills in the bottle for her to take. I gave her some charcoal and stabilise her, I took her to a private A&E and they admitted her under her married name.

She's sleeping right now and I'm on a very comfortable sofa in her room. I called my boss at the hospital and explained the situation to her. I'm off work a minimum of a week. I need to make sure Cassie tells me what's going on with her. I don't know why but I think back to the changes in her behaviour and how they started with her knowing her parents were seeing each other again. Did her dad constantly beat her up, is that it and the beatings were hidden from her mother.

Wednesday 24 June 2020

Cassie spent three days in the hospital before being released, I took her home and left her in bed sleeping and went to see Meg.

"So you two back from your jollies then after you drag our Cassie down to your level. How could you cheat on such a nice woman".

"I fell in love Meg, Cassie is it for me.  I understood what love was when I met her for the first time . Is that what the yelling was about the other day", I ask her.

She looks at me,"You really do love her don't you?"

"With every fibre of my bean," I answer.

"You treat her well, you hear me". I nod "I'm really proud of her you know I'm aware of what being a Peterson means to other people. She  buck the trend and really made something of herself. I'm proud of her you know and I know it was Teddy that help her get to where she is now and I had nothing to do with it".

She looks so sad, "Tell her that", I say to her.

She shakes her head, "She wants nothing to do with me anymore".

"Can you blame her, her own father kicked her out at twelve years old. Then years later you not only get back with her dad but choose him over her".

"When you say it like that Alex it does sound really bad".

"It not only sound really bad Meg it is bad you should be trying to built bridges with her. Nor tearing down the fragile relationship you have with her. We both choose to come back here to be with our families, we could have gone and live anywhere".

She looks at me like she's really seeing me for the first time, "I have to choose between them don't I. Maybe they will start to get along".

I start to cry, "I almost lost her forever and you're worried about losing a man you hadn't seen in years. When everyone can see that Teddy still loves you and would be good for you. The way he continues to be there for Cassie is amazing".

She looks fearfully, "What do you mean you almost lost her?"

I say nothing to her and leave. I get home to see Cassie in the kitchen eating a sandwich, she stands and hugs me. I  cry, "Promise me you won't do anything like that again and if you even think about doing something like that you will talk to someone".

"I'm going to call mum, I need to tell you both something".

Alex because of what happened is making mistakes as he types and not fixing them.