This Is Me Warts And All

Telling My Truth

Thursday

I called mum and ask her to come over. I'm sat around the kitchen table with her and Alex. When I tell them about my dad sexually abusing me starting from age eight. Mum and Alex was very shock but they both believed me. They were both crying mum ran upstairs after I told her. Alex and I heard her emptying her stomach in the toilet.

"Cassie I'm so sorry you had to not only go through that as a child but you had to remember the abuse every time you saw him since we move back here. I'm sorry I thought you had a eating disorder".

I hug Alex and he kiss me on the forehead just as mum comes back in the room.

"I'm sorry for letting you down Cassie".

"You didn't know what he did mum".

"That doesn't matter I should have realised something wasn't quite right and got rid of him. I should have chosen you am I okay telling the family Cassie?"

I nod, "You know Steve is not going to go peacefully. Your uncle Fred will make sure he's nowhere near you if he comes to the garage".

After mum leaves Alex and I curl up on the sofa and watch the cooking channel. I choose that channel because it allowed me to switch my brain off for a bit. Later I walk upstairs and I start writing in you diary. I look back on my attempts to take my own life and I'm glad it didn't work.

Mum and Alex know the truth and my world didn't fall apart and my wider family knows too. I'm sure mum would have told them by now looking back I realise when I kept saying I was tired when situations arose. I meant what the else hell can go wrong or I was just done with dealing with a situation. The truth was I needed to speak up and say this is what I'm feeling.

To understand why I did it diary we need to go back to last Friday when Alex and I went for a run. When we came back from it I saw mum and Steve kissing. When he noticed me and Alex he smiled at us I felt sick and emptied my stomach. Alex looked very concerned but said nothing later I made the pizza but didn't feel like eating it. I didn't talk to Alex at all for the rest of the night which was hard because he kept asking me if I was okay and begging me to talk to him.

I just cried and said nothing to him I went upstairs and Alex made me pasta and chicken my favourite meal. I ate some of it to appease him but ended up emptying my stomach. I slept in the spare room I was in a bad mood and it wasn't fair to Alex.

It wasn't fair of me to continue to be horrible to Alex when he did nothing wrong. Look backing on it now he was amazing he took good care of me. I can't believe I almost left him alone on this earth. On Saturday I woke up to juice and fruits on the bedside table which I ate before going for a walk to the bridge.

I come home to see a shock Alex he hugs me looking very happy and relieved. I make breakfast and we eat it together and he leaves for work. I realised I don't want to spent the rest of my marriage not speaking to my husband.

So I decided to tell him the truth about Steve and how seeing him is bringing everything back about the abuse. I wanted to tell him about the flashbacks I've been getting. How I wanted to rip my mother out his hand and possibly murder him. I send Alex a text saying we need to talk later and let him know I love him.

I go in to work and greet Fred and get started on a car with a busted tail light.

"What are you doing working here?" I hear from Amy.

She was really dress up she was wearing a tight black dress with a deep v at the front with black heels, red lipstick and her hair was down.

"Can I help you?" I say to her.

"Where is Fred?" She asked me.

"Just getting something from the café, he's due back any minute now. You know he's married right".

She laughs at me, "You have no right to say that to me home wrecker. You stole Alex from me and stand there trying to tell me to stay away from a married man".

She was yelling at this point and people started to stare and take an interest. "How I dress to make myself feel good is none of your concern and if I wanted to take your uncle away from his bit of ruff I can".

Fred comes and starts yelling demanding to know what's going on. "Your niece is telling me to stay away from you darling".

"I'm not your darling", says Fred to Amy.

"Funny you weren't saying that when you was sticking your tongue down my throat".

I look at Fred in shock, "It was one kiss and it will never happen again. Amy like I said to you before it was a mistake I love my wife".

Amy looks at me and smirked, "You try to get him to cheat on purpose?" I say to her.

"Isn't he your favourite uncle Cassie what's a bit of bed hopping between friends".

"I cheat with Alex so you try to get back at me by cheating with someone I love and breaking his marriage up".

She smiles at me, "Got it in one".

"Wait you cheated with Adam! Alex Adam!" Fred looked at me like he couldn't believe it.

"Caught them literally at it in a hotel tell me Cassie is he still the alpha male in the bedroom". There were gasp all round at Amy's words.

"Leave I say to her".

  "Or what you gonna hit me Cassie".

I heard a slap Carrie, Fred's wife hit Amy hard in the face Amy leaves rubbing her red face.

"Cassie you didn't answer Fred's question", somehow my mum was there.

I didn't answer her instead I turn to walk home to only hear laughter I turn to see where it was coming from. It was Steve the bastard winked at me. Mum followed me home and started yelling at me for not telling her the truth and for breaking up a relationship. She told me what a disappointment I was to her. I don't remember much after that other that just waking up in hospital.

I think about that statement again suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and realise it's true. I will remember the abuse for the rest of my life and there will be days it doesn't even come to my mind. I was thinking about it constantly because Steve was now a constant in my life.

I couldn't have days where I didn't think about it. My problem was Steve and with him remove from mums life. I could begin to break free again but I was so tunnel visioned that I saw only the problem him.

I had the solution to make him not be a constant in my life. All I had to do diary was open my mouth and tell someone about the abuse. I was so busy worrying I may not be believed that I failed to realise well yes. If I tell someone what happened I would be believed. It's sad attempting to take my life then surviving gave me the courage to be brave, be bold and to tell the truth. I feel lighter for doing it, free, mum and Alex didn't look at me in disgust when I told them about Steve. In fact they were mad at him not me.

"I thought I was in an impossible situation diary but turns out I wasn't. I just needed to stop looking at things tunnel visionally.

I know tomorrow I'm going to tell the police everything I haven't told mum and Alex that as yet. I will have people talking behind my back about the affair with Alex. They will assume now we're home wreckers dating and living together. I'm fine with that because I realised he's my rock, my ride or die, my everything. 

My family will support me but more importantly by the end of the week or even day there will be someone else screwing up. Giving the villagers something else to gossip about.

My name is Cassie Dudley-Adam and I'm a survivor 25/6/2020