This Is Me Warts And All

Betrayal

Friday

Two weeks have passed since I last wrote in you diary. I saw Paul today we met up for coffee he has told his wife everything. He's also getting help from the Citizen Advice about his finances and he has filled in forms to get government assistance. He said something that will stay with me for a long time.

"Advertisers chase that elusive knowledge that will get people to buy their products, watch their movies,tv programs and read their books. They do focus groups and spend millions in some cases for their products to reach the right people.

Mental illness doesn't care about focus groups, income brackets, social classes or divides or even genders. It only knows to affect you so it becomes your sole focus. And to cripple you so just functioning becomes something you aim for. It can even kill you I read men are committing suicide more than ever".

The suicide rate is steadily rising among men in his age group(he's in his forties) "I will be damned him if I become another statistics because of it," he says to me.

"Truthfully I did want to die when you saw me couple weeks ago but I will not be trying it again, the bastard will not win. Mental illness has the if factor in terms of being able to effect anyone it touches. It's ironic big companies paid to have an effect on people so they buy their products. Mental illness is like a product that can be for anyone. The holy grail of an advising company's remit is to come up with a product everyone wants. Except mental illness is a product no one wants and people would pay you not to have it if they could".

I look at him, "What does your counsellor say?"

"He thinks I need to take it slow and my new found determination to live could be a way of coping. He told me I need to still do my everyday activities and I need to call people up and tell them I can't pay them. Then ask for benefits from the government and look people in the eye when I tell them I'm unemployed. This is the time when I'm most vulnerable and I need to stop trying to be superman.

I need to crawl before learning to walk, walk before learning to run and run/walk before learning to jog. If I start off jogging I'll crash and burn and injure myself. I can't go from wanting to taking my life two weeks ago to now I'm fine it's a recipe for disaster. It took a lot to happen for me to get to a place where suicide was my only thought pattern option. It will take a while before I get well and I need to be willing to go at the right pace".

"He is right you know", I say to Paul "You're going to have to go into a dole office and ask for government money. With the knowledge that you literally have no say over your life right now. Other people decide if you get some money to live on. You're going from a six figure income to if you're lucky a hundred and something pounds a week.

Not everyone there will do it but the way some people will speak to you at the Job Centre may make you feel less than. Having debt collectors chasing you may make you feel less than. Take a breath and listen to your counsellor he's trained how to help you. There's nothing unmanly about recognising your need for help and taking it. You're not less of a man because you ask for it. Let yourself cry if you need to there is nothing wrong with it.

I cry all the time sometimes and if I really need to cry and can't get away to do it. I put a sad film on and cry at the sad parts with people in the room. You know what it's okay because other people are crying too. Sometimes I just hug my husband and he will hold me while I cry. He understands sometimes I just need to cry without explaining why.

Your wife loves you I'm sure and you love her let her help you and be there for you. Rely on your family you scared them they will be thinking they could have lost you. Don't pretend everything is okay around them because they know it's not. If it was you would not have wanted to kill yourself when you have a newborn son to take care of. Use him as your motivation to get better why not start a hobby. Something you enjoy that you can focus on in times of stress.