ricky and nini's realizations

chapter 34

nini's pov

ricky and i begin walking down the sidewalk without a destination in mind as our hands are linked together. my hesitancy of us is still prominent as i feel the uneasy nerves rushing around in my body as we continue walking quietly. our hands are connected, but i don't feel like we're truly walking together. i can sense him stealing glances at me as i walk with my eyes looking anywhere but at him with my eyes finding my feet to stare at most of the time. my hand gradually begins to hold his looser the further i slip into my questionable thoughts. we start to come into the view of the park in front of us, "wanna go sit somewhere?" he tenderly asks me squeezing my hand back into his causing me to look down to our hands with a sharp turn of my head unconsciously. i know he noticed because he begins to nervously loosen his hand the way mine had moments ago. i wonder what ricky is thinking in the midst of all of this silence. we make ourselves comfortable on the soft grass under a tree he led me to. he sits down first slowly pulling me down with him while watching for what i might be feeling. he sits with his legs spread to leave room for me to sit face to face with him. i know he does this with a purpose in mind given the way he affirmatively walked us to this very spot. he sets his back straight in a relaxed way against the tree trunk having never released my hand. i sit in the opening his legs created not allowing him to pull me as close as he was trying to get me to. it's not that i'm uncomfortable with ricky. gosh no, that's not it. but my nerves and unsureness cause my body to somewhat resist him. "nins, can we talk about what you're thinking about?" he says as i feel him stare at me. my eyes flick up to his, "hm?" i respond quickly. too quickly actually. "nini, i know you," he says to me when my eyes go back to blankly staring at our still connected hands, "let's talk about the thoughts going through that mind of yours," he says to me while scooting much closer engulfing me between his legs. i meets his eyes when he settles in front of me at the tug on my hand. his face is nothing but pure patience. my face contorts to a strong worried expression as i can feel the word vomit that's about to come up. his face follows my change of emotion. "um," i stutter out as my eyes bounce from his chest back to his eyes. he puts his free hand on my knee that's up against his own leg to rub his thumb back and forth in comfort. "i've just been drowning in my thoughts. i feel like. i just uh- don't really know about us," i cringe outwardly starting to regret my word choice, but i don't know how to put my emotions out there correctly. his thumb stops rubbing, but he doesn't pull away from me at all. his face turns to sympathy. i think in a way of understanding. "i mean doesn't this freak you out in some way?" i ask him referring to us kissing, holding hands in public & for the first time ever, and him sitting like this with me! i feel so overwhelmed. "no, not really. you're nini. my nini," he trails off, and his face looks like it's starting to wash over with hurt. he pulls his eyes from mine to stare at our hands as he draws tiny shapes on my hand. him calling me his nini pushes me into our memories to think of just how long we've known each other. we've been each other's go to person since the beginning and know each other so so well. he's my ricky. "it's just that," i let out a sad breath, "all of this happened out of nowhere ricky. it's a lot to think about and take in." our whole conversation being tenderly spoken. "it's okay if you don't feel the same way nins. i understand," he says with a hurt voice that's barely audible as he starts to slip his hand out of my own. my stomach drops as i realize that he thinks i don't want him. care about him? like him? i dont freaking know! i need this boy and i want this boy i figure out for myself.

ricky's pov

i can feel the air knocked out of me. the more nini speaks her mind, the more it becomes abundantly clear that this isn't what she wanted. i misinterpreted that's for sure. but we kissed? she kissed me even. my voice feels caught in my throat, but i try to spit out words telling her that it's no big deal. boy is that a lie. i slip my hand away realizing she may not have wanted me to ever touch her in the first place and now i'm just starting to feel humiliated. before i have time to process, nini lunges forward crashing her lips into my own. she slowly pulls back from the kiss and keeps our foreheads connected, "that's not what i was trying to say," she says to me whispering. my hands find her waist at the realization that her body is fully pressed against mine. "i'm just scared," she says. i lean my lips up to hers again and we kiss for a little while craving one another at the realization that we both want the other. all of the kisses out of care for each other. i break our kiss this time to catch my breath keeping my eyes closed to savor the moment. our foreheads seem to find each other again. nini brings a hand to my curls to play affectionately with. "and you're my ricky. okay?" a big grin finds itself on my face, "and my nini," is all i need to say. we kiss one last long, sweet kiss as she cups my face. i pull back so that i can see into her eyes and read her. "i know this is a lot nins, but i want you. i want you to be mine. i know this is so new, and it's only been a few hours. but fuck. i'm so sure of how i feel. there wasn't one singular moment, but after a while i just knew nins. please give us a chance." i nervously push some of her hair behind her ear as i wait for her response. "i'm all yours," she confidently says. i lean forward so fast to catch her lips as i tug her body even closer than before. we break apart, "just one thing," she timidly says. i nod my head to acknowledge her thought as i wait. "we go slow like i said last night," she says nervously. "it's just because-" a smile makes its way to my face as i shake my head to make her stop talking. i don't want her to feel like she has to give me an explanation. i peck her lips, "slow is perfect."