The Slytherin Transfer

30: "You and what army?"

I find that it doesn't hurt less, cutting it off with Sirius.

If I had been playing hard to get before, now I was making it impossible for him to even see me. I skip meal times, I spend my hours in a corner of the library, and I sit next to anyone but him in my classes. I can't let him know how much he hurt me, and he doesn't make an effort, so I won't give him the time of day.

Valentine's Day comes and goes, and I spend it alone in the dorm with Dorcas and Lily as the others go on dates. Five times we hear the stairs to the girls' dormitories turn into a slide, meaning that a boy is trying to climb up them. Undoubtedly it's James wanting to spend this romantic day with Lily. We work silently, none of us asking questions about why we're all alone, for which I'm thankful. I attempt my homework, although I find that I'm reading the same sentence over and over, not really processing anything.

Spring approaches quickly, and as February dwindles down, I engulf myself in Quidditch, James working the team hard for the approaching game versus Hufflepuff, and giving me the opportunity to have a suitable distraction. Slytherin beat Ravenclaw last weekend, though it was almost an even filthier match than the one we played against them. Two Ravenclaw Chasers were hospitalized, and Regulus Black got both Bludgers to the head after he caught the snitch.

I haven't spoken to or of Sirius for two weeks, but as I walk down to the pitch with James, he makes the subject unavoidable.

"What's going on between you and Padfoot?" He asks oh-so-subtly, shifting his broom from his right shoulder to his left.

"Nothing," I say firmly, "I was stupid to think otherwise."

He looks uneasy, and I narrow my eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing," he says hastily, examining the trees like they're a new species.

"James," I say warningly, "what are you hiding?"

I can tell he's contemplating speaking, but I glare at him firmly, and it seems he knows better than to keep it from me.

"Believe it or not, Sirius is scared," he says quietly, wincing as if the ghost of his best friend slapped him for saying it.

"Scared?" I ask, "Of what?"

"How he feels," James goes on, sighing as we enter the change rooms, "He's always been Mr One Night Stand, you know? But with you, I think he wants more than just sex."

"How sweet," I say dryly.

"At the beginning of the year," he continues as if I didn't speak, "things were different, sure, but I remember when you kissed Marcus. I've never seen him more hung up on a girl before."

"Well he's certainly got a funny way of showing it," I say darkly, and James shakes his head.

"That's the thing. You have to understand he's got no clue what he's doing. This has never happened before."

I stare fiercely at my shoes as I untie them, trying not to be fazed by this new information but failing miserably. Sirius really does like me, does he? I find that I don't like hearing it from James.

"Well he's got to grow a pair and say this himself, then," I state firmly, surprising myself, "I don't care how scared he is. I'm not gonna wait around forever."

It's a lie, of course, but I don't let him see it in my face as I turn and head to a secluded part of the tent where I can change. The truth is, I'd wait forever for Sirius, and I hate it. He has so much over me, he's played with my emotions for months. It's time I wait for his move instead of mending it myself like I have before. If he really feels this way about me, then he's got to prove it.