Winning Hurricane

XXXVI- Anxiety

I didn't sleep well last night. Tomorrow's our flight to Japan, hindi ako mapakali na aalis ako for three days leaving him here na hindi kami ayos.. at na kasama niya si Barb.

It's not really okay for me.

I need to tell him this. Hindi ko na kayang intindihin. Para akong sasabog kapag patuloy kong niloloko ang sarili kong ayos lamang kami, ayos lang lahat. I am not this fool. So I grabbed my bag para sumaglit sa condo niya, kung andon pa sila.

I just need to talk to him.

It's either I'll leave tomorrow na ayos kami or.. I closed my eyes as I felt a pang in my chest. There's just this.. feeling where I know I will lose him, and I am not ready for that. I just can't prepare myself for that.

Ayoko. Kaya kung pedeng ayusin, pag-usapan then I'll try.

Dito lamang naman kami hindi naging ayos e, nong nagka problema na si Barbara.

"Where are you going?" Chad asked nang makababa ako. Nakaupo lamang siya sa floor, habang nakahiga si Charlie sa sofa, parehas nanonood.

"Saglit lang."

"Hatid kita?"

"No, I'm fine."

Dere deretso kong sagot pero ramdam ko ang pag-habol ng tingin nila sakin. My family's giving me this weird look ever since hindi natuloy si Cane na ma-meet sila. Hindi ko na lamang masyadong pinapansin.

"Ate, I'll drive you." He insisted at tumayo.

I stopped nang nasa may pinto na ako at humarap sa kanya, "I can drive myself, okay?"

He shrugged, "Bored na'ko dito."

"Lumabas ka on your own."

"Ate, just bring him. Sawang sawa na ako sa mukha ni Chad." Charlie added, rolling her eyes at Chad but they share a look, knowing look.

Nailing na lamang ako bago hinagis kay Chad ang car key. I just hate it that I can't say no to Charlie. It always felt like I'll disappoint her more kahit lagi niyang sinasabi na thankful at proud siya to have me as her sister.

Tahimik lamang si Chad the whole time, I think siya ang boy version ko sa family? Medyo pakielamero lamang talaga siya kapag concern siya or lumalabas yong feeling kuya na side but all in all he's really silent. Isang beses ko lamang siyang narinig na tinanong si Cane, more on he asks about what I am feeling or doing. May days nong may pasok na he'll send a random text just to check on me. Not everyday tho.

"Don't leave the car. Wait for me here or you can roam around muna." Bilin ko nang tumigil kami sa harap ng building.

"I'll wait nalang."

"Okay."

He just smiled. Lumabas na ako at dumiretso sa floor nila Cane. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Kinakabahan na naman ako, ayoko ng ganito. The anxiety replaced the excitement whenever I am going to see him. This is not what I expected when he promised me he'll make me see 'us'.

When the elevator opened mas dumoble lamang ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Suddenly, parang gusto ko na lamang mag back-out pero hindi, I made my decision last night. I want us to work out. I want this to work out. Kailangan lamang pag-usapan to. Kailangan lamang niya marinig ang side ko.

I stepped out, agad kong pinindot ang doorbell nang makatapat ako sa door niya bago pa tuluyang manghina ang loob ko.

Napabuntong hinga ako ng bumukas ang pinto, I readied my smile pero hindi ang taong inaasahan ko ang bumungad sakin. It's her biological mom. She looked as surprise as I am to see me here.