Awaken My Love

On Their Way

Taehyung

Riding with Jin was always a good thing. He was mostly quiet himself and never pressured his passengers to speak. I was grateful for that right now.

I watched the scenery pass us by, the sun beginning to set in the distance. Golden rays of the evening light spread across the landscape and it was so very beautiful.

I did my best to focus on the scenery and what was outside the jeep window rather than the suffocating sadness in my chest.

"Hey."

Jin's voice popped me out of my own bubble. I looked over at him, surprised to hear him talk first.

"I know that you and Yoongi had a different kind of relationship. And I know his accusation that you killed Moon always stuck with you, even after he tried to make things right. But you need to know that none of that was your fault."

"I know," I sighed. "I'm not bothered by that."

"Want to talk about what is bothering you then?" Jin's crooked first finger tapped the steering wheel gently.

I looked back out my window and folded my arms across my chest, curling in on myself as much as I could. I drew my knees up into the seat and let out a sigh.

Where should I start?

"I feel pain. Pressure. Fear."

Jin was quiet for a moment and then he took a deep breath. "Okay. Mind going into a bit more detail?"

I always found Jin easy to talk to, but just never took advantage of him. I always preferred to keep everything to myself. I now can see how that was probably more detrimental than anything.

"I'm in pain because I lost a brother. My chest hurts constantly. Any thought of him immediately makes me sad."

Jin nodded, kept his eyes respectfully on the road, and let me talk.

"I feel pressure because without him, we all need to step up a bit more. I feel pressure to be more guarding of the survivors. I feel more pressure to help Namjoon with his stuff. I just feel overwhelmed most days now."

"And I feel fear. Fear of what could happen if someone attacked us again. Fear of losing another person I love. Fear of failing to protect someone I love."

That was all I could verbalize. My throat felt tight and I really didn't want to start crying in front of Jin.

It was silent in the jeep for a while. I really didn't expect him to respond, but I wasn't surprised when his quiet, yet strong voice began speaking.

"You're allowed to feel the loss, Tae. We are all feeling Yoongi's absence in some way or the other. Just this morning I found one of his shirts in my clean laundry. It vaguely smelled like him, but it was one of his favorites. I allowed myself to feel the pain, to shed a few tears, and to remember the last time I saw him wearing that shirt. He had been lounging on his bed, reading a book, and he accused me of ruining the ambiance of the room when I went in to ask if he wanted dinner. I chose to focus on that memory and it made me laugh and smile again."

"I also understand the pressure. I think a little pressure is good. It helps us to always push to be better. But please don't let it overwhelm you. If you need help or think you aren't up to something, let us know. Never feel like you have to press through something on your own."

"As for the fear. I had really hoped the day we felt it would never come. We were always the BCU, the best of the best. Then one of our best got bested. It crumbled our confidence we'd had since we were children. It's okay to be afraid sometimes, but we can't live in that state of mind. It will only eat at us from the inside out."