coffee stains || dreamnotfound

twenty one - george

i sit in awe, staring at his contact name, still in hurt over yesterday's words. i wonder if i did come off too harshly when we spoke, but he shoved hope down my throat when he called; and then made me throw it back up when he said his drunken words meant nothing.

it's as if he's trying to build up the sense that he likes me, with his teasing words and playful mannerisms, but he really doesn't care.

i'm aware of how awful i sounded but when he called, a small hope blossomed within me and i thought he was calling to tell me something important. something like, "i'm sober, and i still mean everything i said."

but when he apologised for his words, it was a slap in the face. obviously, i knew deep down that he'd never want me. and even though i constantly reminded myself to not get too attached, i did it anyway. so maybe i deserve this, maybe it's karma for ignoring the part of my brain that told me to keep my distance. i'm a fool.

i'm also a little shocked it's taken me this long to realise the things i feel for clay aren't what you'd normally feel about a friend.

squeezing my eyes shut, i let my mind wander back to our argument, reciting clay's words in my head, 'i was going to ask you for space, you're too much.' this line jabs at me, and i feel an overwhelming sense to cry. i exhale deeply, fighting the tears which threaten to form in my eyes, and throw my phone to the end of my bed. i'm sick of staring at his contact, hoping for some kind of apology message. i remind myself once again, he meant every word he said. even though that thought has left me unable to get out of bed today, and i've wasted this day sitting here, wallowing in this state of self-pity.

although, i still can't figure out if i'm more upset or angry at clay. either way, he made it clear to leave him alone from now on, so i will. with a huff, i sit up to reach my phone once again, immediately clicking on his contact info. my thumb hovers over the 'block' button for a moment, and i debate internally whether i should press it.

a small tear falls down my face as i repeat his words again, 'leave me alone, george.'

he's right, i am too much. i hit 'block' and expect to feel relieved, but nothing has changed. i'm still sitting here, upset that i've lost one of my only friends here. a wave of exhaustion settles over me, and i awkwardly roll my head back until it hits the pillow. i stare at the ceiling as another tear escapes, and i wipe it away as it tickles my cheek.

i wonder momentarily why i'm so emotional about this whole situation, i tell myself it's only an argument and surely we would make up at some point- this would be something we'd look back and laugh about. yet, something nags in the back of my mind, and tells me this won't be the case. clay has finally had enough of me, and i need to accept it; however hard that may be.

i can't help comparing this fight to ones i've had before. like the time my friend and i exchanged a few harsh words, or the time will and i got into a heated argument over something. however, i didn't cry during those, so why am i crying now?

my inner conflict is short lived, as my train of thought quickly leads to a place i've been trying not to think about. the reason i didn't get upset in those arguments is because they were with good friends.

and the reason it's different this time around is because i've always wanted clay to be more than friends, but never had it in me to admit it.

and now i've messed everything up.

=====

word count: 704
*in editing*
please vote!

short-ish chapter because gogy is sad.
also i've been writing all day and have been working on future chapters hehe(: