20. Apologies

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Draco went to his room to wash his face from the tears.  Not to wash the taste and smell of Harry off him.  He wanted that to last forever.  Harry Potter hadn't just forgiven him, he had told him that there was nothing to forgive.  He had opened his arms to him.  He had fucking kissed him, thank you very much.  And he had kissed him back.  And oh Merlin, what a kiss it had been.  He smirked at his reflection in the mirror.  He wanted more of it.  But how was he going to get it?

He wondered if Harry had felt his love and his lust through the kiss.  He hoped he had, and he hoped he hadn't.  He didn't want the golden boy to think that he wanted him.  Well he did, but oh gods, this was so confusing.  But Harry wanted him back, didn't he?  Why else would he have kissed him.  He didn't kiss any of the others after hugging them.  He knew that they were going to have to talk about it.  And he left it at that.  He went back to the common room, and saw Harry also emerge from his room.

They walked down the stairs together, to go and sit with their friends.  Blaise and Neville had already poured whiskey for everyone, to drink a toast in celebration that Harry was well, safe and had returned to them.  Taking their glasses, they all raised their hands, and when Neville said that they should toast Harry, he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.  "No.  Today we will toast something more important than a name.  Today we will toast to friendships, and who knows, maybe given time, something more", he said with a wink.

They all drank to that.  The burning from the whiskey was a welcoming change to the pumpkin juice that he had been drinking in the hospital wing.  They all decided to get comfortable on the couches and the carpet, and were all lost in their own thoughts for what seemed a long time.  Until Harry decided that he had to tell them something.  And so, putting his glass on the table, sitting forward on his chair, he looked at all of them and started.

"Thank you.  For all the love each of you sent me, thank you so much.  I don't think any of you realize that you probably saved my life.  Just before I passed out on my bed, when I was taken to the hospital wing, I was dying.  A slow painful death", he said with sadness.  They hadn't known that.  The staff hadn't told them anything about Harry dying.  He saw the confusion on their faces, and carried on with his explanation.  "Not the way you're thinking, but dying none the less.  I was an emotional wreck.  I am sorry for my anger, for losing my temper in the hall, when I had no right to lash out in front of any of you, or to show you that side of me", he said. 

He ran a hand through his hair, and looked at all of them.  He took another sip of whiskey, and closed his eyes.  He knew he had to tell them why he had said what he just had.  And so he did.  Vowing earlier that he would never talk of it again, but knowing in his heart that he owed them an explanation, he talked forever.  His glass was refilled at intervals, because talking was thirsty work.  Finishing his story, he told them that he thought he wasn't worthy of love, because so many had betrayed him, and he was tired of betrayal.  It was something that he would never consider doing.  No matter the price. 

He spoke of Jacob, and the three junior aurors who had lost their lives.  He told them about the ambush, and how he was led to believe that the mission was the most important one of his career if he chose to become an auror.  And not being one to do things half arsed, he did his utmost best.  Until it almost cost him his life.  He did not tell them why Jacob had betrayed him, he did not tell them what he looked like after being shot, and he did not tell them that he felt that it was his fault.

His tears were all he had left, and so he cried and cried, and when he turned and saw Fawkes sitting on his bed, he was confused.  He felt the sharp claws, and heard a song of some sorts, but when he went to stroke the bird, he couldn't remember much after that.  The only thing that stood out were emotions.  And he knew the emotions were coming from people who loved him.  There were days that he had wished he was dead, because then hey, no feeling used and abused anymore, right? Hogwarts had been sending him strength as well as love, and so he was allowed to heal.

When Harry finished speaking, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.  Everyone was crying at the sheer horror of what Harry had been through.  He held up his hands, and said he didn't mean to upset anyone, he just wanted them to understand why he had been so angry.  If he had their understanding, then he was going to be all right.  "We will never talk of this again, today was the last time.  I just need to know that if I do show my anger again, please understand that it is necessary.  That's all I'm asking", he said softly.

"You don't need to apologize for anything Harry", said Neville.  Harry looked at his friend with soft eyes, and smiled.  "We are adults here.  I won't say that I know and understand what you went through, but if anyone should be apologizing, it's us.  None of us contacted you after the war.  God knows I wanted to, but I never felt the urgency.  Kept putting if off for another day.  And for that I am so sorry", he got up and hugged Harry again.  Harry hugged him back.

One by one, they all apologized for not being there for him after the war.  Ron was more sorry than any of the others, because he and Harry had been friends for seven years, and he hadn't even thought of sending an owl.  He was mourning for his brother, and hoped that Harry had understood that.  Focusing on the dead instead of on the living.  That had been his mistake.

Harry forgave all of them, and told them it was in the past.  They have to put all their energy into the future, and he knew great things were coming.  He turned to look at Draco.  The man who had kissed him back just a few hours earlier.  He wanted more of it.  He wanted Draco Malfoy to belong to him.  And he knew in his heart that Draco felt the same.  But was Draco concerned about what the rest of them would think.  And then he realized that he himself, didn't care. 

This was one thing that he wasn't going to question, and most definitely not be sorry for.  And Harry, being Harry, almost always got what he wanted.








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