Midnight Memories

Chapter 36: For a While, I Couldn't Find You

It's been almost 2 weeks since we buried Dylan.

As weird as it sounds, I've never been to a funeral before. But I'm sure all funerals are this silent, I'm sure all funerals are this sad, all funerals are the end for someone who was supposed to live.

For those who die, life ends, it doesn't hurt anymore. For those who continue their lives without their loved ones, life becomes hell on earth. They go on with their lives with the constant pain in their chest, knowing that life will never be the same without them. But they are trying to be okay and one day, they will... 

Snow didn't come to the funeral. She still doesn't talk, doesn't eat much, doesn't sleep. She's locked herself in her room and if it weren't for the music playing inside, you'd not know someone was even there. She plays Dylan's songs all day, even though at night, Danika says, she screams that she hates him.

Didn't Dylan know he'd destroy her? Didn't he know she'd not forgive him? Didn't he care?

Kai didn't make a speech at the funeral, but the rest of the guys did, making everyone cry... except Kai.

He's not been himself since the day we found Dylan dead. His nightmares have become a constant thing now and his hallucinations are all back now, I barely help him sleep anymore.

I've tried to push him to keep seeing his therapist, but he ignored me like I didn't even exist. He isn't usually home, and when he is, he's pretending to watch TV just so I don't talk to him.

At times I don't even recognize him, at times, I think he's someone else. Just like I do today.

Wrapping my arms around his neck from behind I rest my chin on his shoulder, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. Kai's been sitting on the living room floor and staring at the TV for hours now.

"I've made spaghetti, just the way you like it," I tell him, my voice low. "Let's have dinner, okay? You haven't eaten anything today."

"I'm not hungry."

"Kai."

"Give it a rest, Selena." He says changing the channel.

"Shall I bring it in here? We could eat while sitting on the floor and listening to 'The 1975'."

"I said give it a fucking rest." He snaps his voice loud and firm, removing my arms from around him. For a moment I freeze as if I'm not even breathing, but then I stand up and go back to his kitchen, without saying a word and pretending it doesn't hurt.

He's in pain, I understand it, I should understand it.

I walk to the table, that I've already set and look at it with bitterness. Taking the two plates full of spaghetti, I empty them in the trash can.

I don't have much of an appetite either.

"I'm going out." Kai stands up suddenly after another half an hour of changing through channels.

"Where are you going?"

"Do I have to tell you everything now?" He bites and I try to ignore the sting it causes.

"I just need to know... Just in case."

He lets out a humorless laugh.

"In case what? I commit suicide like Lan?" I stare at him hard as he goes on. "Don't worry, I like to die slowly."

"Stop talking nonsense."

"Why? Are you scared? Did the sight of blood and a busted skull scare you, Selena?" My eyes start to water recalling the sight. I feel like I am going to throw up.