In The Mind of a Zulu Wife Book 2

Chapter 21

Being in hospital watching my son struggling to breath is enough to shatter any mothers heart and soul, I am not a very religious woman, my mother is the religious one she goes to those Thursday prayers with women from different church to pray for whatever, or whoever, she wakes up everyday at 4am and pray because it's the holy hour or something and she never misses.

I have taken up praying with her, praying for my baby that he gets better, I even fast with her sometimes which is not good for me since I am breast feeding but I don't care I just want to see my son breathing on his own without the machines. I appreciate my parents presence during this time, they are my support structure at the moment, Soso is being weird he doesn't talk as much he doesn't talk to me at all. The only time he ever talks is when he talks to Zesuliwe or his father. He has built walls around himself, his guilt is eating him alive.

What's happening here is not his fault but he thinks it is and he acts like it is. Mthobisi and Zesuliwe are turning 2 months today. Mtho was getting better 2 weeks ago then he caught an infection which made his condition worse. I honestly don't get why this is happening. We had the ceremonies a month back and I don't know why my son isn't getting better. He is supposed to be better now, he was better for 2 weeks then his health just deteriorated, I don't know why I don't get it. 

I did get an opportunity to hold him and breast feed him when he was getting better, he is now a bit bigger but his lungs still retire on him so he has to stay on the machine till he can fully breath on his own, this infection took him from a 5 to a 2 in a matter of days. Having a sick baby is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I cant even be fully there for my kids because one of them is sick.

Its almost midnight and Soso is not home, he has this tendency now to just disappear to lord knows where, I cant help but wonder if what Nqobile said was true about him always going back to his ex. I mean we have a sick child and we are both having a tough time we are supposed to be each others pillar, but there he is avoiding all kinds of communication with me. He leaves the bed early before I even wake up, then goes to sleep when I fall asleep. I don't know whats wrong anymore I cant be worrying about Mthobisi then worry about him.

I am waiting up for him today we have to talk about this I cant handle this cold and detached attitude from him. He walks in not noticing I am awake he goes straight to the shower. He is done after about 15 minutes comes out and he smells great as always. He gets in bed scrolls through his phone he is looking at his kids pictures, smiles to himself. "They are beautiful aren't they?" I say I think I scared him because he dropped his phone. "I thought you were sleeping." That's all he says then turns to his side, his back against me. 

"Listen I am tired of this self pity you have going on, I am going to need you to talk to me, I am your fiancé for god sake. You are supposed to share with me how you feel so we can heal together and be there for each other. Not what's here right now" I say snapping a bit

"I am going to use your words this time . 'If you have a problem talk to me about it don't run away. We talk about it and come up with a solution.' Tell me how you feel. I want to know how you feel. I cant guess how you feel you have to tell me. If you blame me for this I need to know." I say looking deep in his eyes. For the first time since we have been together I see pain, guilt and regret in his eyes. I see his eyes are teary he coughs and looks the other way. He is hiding his tears from me. He doesn't say anything he looks at his hands now. "Talk to me baby, tell me how you feel I know you are having a hard time with this." I say he looks at me.

"I am sorry, I just don't know how to deal with all this. This is all my fault. I let all these things happen to my son, the same way I let my other son die this is a pattern, a pattern that I had the opportunity to fix many times before." He says but stops when he realizes what he just said. I try my best not to be shocked or confused about what I am hearing. What son is he talking about?

"When I was doing my first year in varsity I had an affair with this woman she was married to my dad's cousin she was 8 years older than me she fell pregnant and it was mine. Her husband found out and he wanted to kill us he shot her, and was about to shoot me when I went for his gun and shot him first." He says.

Wow he is being completely honest with me right now and I never expected that WTF. Okay Sandiso is more complicated than I ever thought, I don't think I needed to know all that. He looks at me and I am shocked I wont lie, so this person I am planning to build a future with is a murderer how do I live with that, but to be fair I wanted to know what was on his mind and he told me now what? "You are the second person to know this, Anathi knows this because I was with her at the time. The police concluded that this was a robbery gone wrong and the case was closed like that. She was 7 months pregnant when she died with my son." He says teary again.

"So what does that have to do with Mthobisi?" I ask. "That man said the main reason why I was going to lose the twins is because I have a dark cloud following me because of what I did in my late teens I never got cleansed for the death of that man and if I don't do anything about it I will lose all my kids future and present." He says. He looks a bit relieved for talking.

"I am supposed to see someone who will help me with this and I will need my father to be with me to get that done, but I cant talk to him about it because he regarded Luthuli as his brother. They were close very close he was the brother my dad never had. Luthuli was a very cruel man everyone knew that but my dad loved him regardless, he was shattered by his death promised to find and kill the killers. How do I confess to my dad that I killed his brother?" He asks its rhetoric he is not looking to hear me answer, he is asking himself.

Wow this is too much for me, I get that it was self defense but wow this is going to tear his family apart, because I know Luthuli well when we were kids he was always there. Why would Sandiso do this why would he pursue his uncle's wife? Why does it seem like he is more messed up than I could even imagine. Sandiso is definitely troubled and he does a great job hiding how messed up he is. All this just took a dark turn. I don't know him and he probably has done more f***ed up sh*t than what I am hearing. So where to from here?