In The Mind of a Zulu Wife Book 2

Chapter 1

2 years later

I am now just a shadow of who I used to be, I don't know this woman standing in front of the mirror right now. I don't know who I am anymore I used to fight for me, but now it feels like I have lost her, I have lost myself. I let myself go and I didn't fight for myself. My younger self would be disappointed to see me now, I don't have a sense of purpose anymore I definitely hate who I have become. Why did I let myself go, why didn't I fight for myself? I sacrificed myself for the sake of love, I should have held onto myself for as long as I could, I miss her, I miss me. I let people walk all over me now, I stopped caring about my life for love, I took away my own happiness for the sake of love. I have become someone I swore never to be. I have no love and fight left in me.

I am a mother of 2, I am wife, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend a qualified CA, a sister wife, that's how I describe myself, but is it really enough to just be something to someone? Who am I without these labels? Don't get me wrong I love my family and my kids but they just fulfil whatever is missing in my life right now. I am missing in my own life. I feel like I am just watching my life go by like I am watching a movie. I am now heavily dependent on wine to help me get through my miserable life and numb the pain I am feeling inside. I have been watching my life from a far for 2 years now, I have wanted to end it all a few times but I then think about my kids what would my kids be without me? They are the only thing holding me back from doing it. Let me give you a recap of how I got to where I am right now.

5 years ago I was happily married, my husband was perfect I was expecting our second baby, I was happy with my life I was doing well at work and I was a daughter my parents were proud of, my husband was so in love with me or so I thought, I was living a lie my husband was having an affair with a perfect woman, whom he later married and he has 2 kids with. They make a beautiful family without me and my kids in the picture obviously. I had decided finally had the courage to leave 2 years ago, but I then found out I was pregnant again out of fear I went back hoping we would fix things for the sake of our kids, but I was fooling myself. He did try to make things work between us and his 2nd wife, but I was never happy with the arrangement but I settled, hoping time would make me feel a lot better.

I lost my baby before I could tell anyone about her, I never told anyone I was pregnant so when I lost her, I suffered alone because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I continued to hide behind a smile, and some wine obviously. To say I tried dealing with the loss would be a lie because I just ignored the pain hoping it goes away. I remember the day I lost my baby like its today. The kids and my husband Siya were at Siya's one of Siya's nephews birthday. They went to Joburg and I wasn't really feeling well the Friday of that weekend which led to me deciding to remain. When I went to the bathroom I noticed a huge blood stain on the bed and had already tried, I knew it and I felt it I had lost my baby girl, I was planning on telling Siya about the baby the next weekend because it was his birthday but life had other plans. I just showered and I changed the sheets and the stain was on the mattress I just flipped it and put in fresh sheets, drove myself to the doctor who confirmed that I lost my baby, he admitted me to clean my womb I was out by Sunday. When they got home everything was fine.

I dealt with it alone. I just couldn't tell anyone I tried my best to ignore it, to ignore that I had lost my first baby girl. I treated her death as if she was nothing and that eats me a lot to this day. I just want to numb all this pain I am feeling right now, I have been trying to for a long time now I cant get rid of it. I just want to wake up one morning and find that all that, all this is just a bad dream, but I have been living in this hell for 4 years now, and I let myself suffer, I did this to myself.