Cancer//adopted by my chemical romance

Chapter 16:

I lean my head on the window as Ray drives, my shaking body having eased when Gerard had flipped on the heating to max within seconds after entering the car.

Frank sits next to me, and it's taking everything to not lean over and push myself into his arms.

I feel low, the lowest I've ever felt in a long time: and that's saying something,

Before I met them I used to blame the sad, horrible numbness on having no one in my life, but know that that's not true.

I'm miserable even with them right next to me, beside me, too afraid to reach out for fear of rejection.

I settle for curling my still wet sock covered feet up to my chest, their not muddy from what I can tell, just wet.

Still, I try to keep as much of the wet part off of the chair as I can, not wanting to get in trouble with Ray.

He's a big teddy bear in reality, but the fear is still there, especially with my current mindset.

I watch as I see the big white walls of the hospital draw nearer, and hold my breath as a Ray pulls into a parking space near the accident and emergency section.

I feel sick to my stomach as I imagine that right now my mother could be lying dead, lifeless on a hospital bed.

I try to brush off the thought but to no avail.

I'm the first to open the door and step out when the car stops, the cold air biting into my skin a welcoming refreshment.

I wait for everyone else to get out of the car, standing away from them as I wait, I would go on my own but I won't for two reasons.

The first being I have no clue where I'm going, and the second being that the hurt looks on their faces would be too much to handle.

They haven't done anything wrong, I know that they haven't, but the scared feeling tracing its way through my veins is too much for me to comprehend.

Gerard takes the lead, and I follow to his left, leaving room so that he can't snake an arm around me or take a hold of my hand, which I can tell he desperately wants to do.

We walk into the A&E department and I see it filled to the brim with casualties.

I scan the room and can't see my mother or my father, and as much as I'm trying to stay away from the guys at the moment, I subconsciously take a step closer to Gerard, as he's the nearest to me.

I dearly want to cling to him, but my brain is telling me otherwise.

He doesn't care.

I swallow thickly.

Gerard moves towards the front desk and asks about my mother, I hang back, listening but zoning out.

'Room 33, but she can only have two visitors at a time'

I see gerards face morph as he hears that statement.

But the conversation ends there, and he turns to me.

"You go first, okay, come and get me in five minutes if your dads not in there" Gerard speaks, a hint of caution in his voice, I can tell he really doesn't want my father to be in there.