Cancer//adopted by my chemical romance

Chapter 14:

After my sobs silenced and I was just sniffling, I gently pull away from Gerard, and immediately find myself clutching to his side, keeping my distance to him close.

I feel everyone's eyes on me once again, causing the deep feeling of guilt to wash over me; I don't deserve this amount of attention, I feel like an 'attention seeking whore' as my father had called me on multiple times due to the way that I choose to dress.

I don't know what to do, and I begin to feel incredibly uncomfortable with their eyes boring into me, I have to get away from all of this attention, I can't deal with all of them right now, and so I do the only thing that my tiny brain can comprehend; I run.

My barefoot feet skidding down the stairs in large motions as I burst out of the front door and lunge down the road, heart racing as I do so.

My phone in my pocket rings; I ignore it, I have to get away from here.

I can't explain the catastrophic feeling in my chest, the feeling that everything has gone wrong and is collapsing around me.

I feel like I'm being smothered despite running freely along the residential area, my socks already damp from the wet ground.

It's cold out, and I'm clad in my ripped skinny jeans, T-shirt and hoodie; and yet I don't feel cold at all, the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

I feel like theirs people behind me, and with one quick swoop of my neck I conclude that there is not, it is just my brain telling me otherwise.

Sometimes this happens, the voices.

They cloud my mind and I can't feel what real and what's not.

I've been told that on my fathers side his step has severe schizophrenia.

I've never met her; she's locked up.

I've heard of my father talk about how she's never coming out of where she is, the clinic.

I know I have to keep my mouth shut, I k one I have to lie about the things running through my head.

My ever growing eating disorder, my self harming addiction, seeing and hearing things.

I wish I could have kept my anxiety hidden from everyone, but my father has noticed a panic attack that I hadn't been able to keep under control and had then used it as an excuse for his actions.

That's the kind of person he is, he is never going to change.

My legs buckle underneath me.

I take in my surroundings.

I'm on an unfamiliar street, I don't recognise my surroundings whatsoever.

I must have ran a long way.

My phone is still buzzing in my pocket, I flip it open to see that it's Mikey; I decline the call, and seconds later I'm bombarded with another call request, but this time from Frank.

I want to throw my phone.

But I don't: it's expensive and it's the only thing that I have to listen to my music.

I don't want to to see any of them, I don't want to see anyone.

I just want to be alone, I just want to be lost to the world.

My phone buzzes, and I notice the abundance of texts clothing up my phone.

I ignore most of them, my mind going straight back into defensive mode; I need to shut everyone out to save myself, to help myself.

I obviously can't cope with people at the moment, or at least that's what my brains telling me.

My eyes snaps onto a text message that has just been sent through, it's from Frank.

We are all worried sick. I'm coming to find you.

I need to get away from where I am, I need to go somewhere different.

-

I wind up finding a local children's park and taking up inhabitance there.

It has some swings and a big fort, which has little tunnels on top, all leading to multiple slides.

I decided to clamber into one-off the tunnels, curling myself into a ball and staring at the cold metal tubing.

I don't want to be found; so I won't be.

My phone continues to blow up, but I decide to keep ignoring everything.

It doesn't matter because I don't matter.

If I simply disappear off the face of the earth they will stop caring, they will forget about me.

I've barely been in their life for any time at all, they will forget about me.

I don't have a plan.

I have no money, no warm clothes, and yet I can't go home.

I can't face my father.

And I don't even know if my mothers alive or not, I can't face up to that.

I can't walk in there and potentially be told that she's gone; dead,

She may have been distant in the recent years of my life, but she's still my mum, and she raised me.

All I can think of is out little 'hidden from my father' trips out to beach, or to get ice cream, or simply to go to the park together.

When I was younger she made the effort to give me a better life.

But she got drained, burned out from his persistency. And I don't blame her for it.

The old metal or the tube hit my hand and I finally feel the shivers starting to make their way up my meagre spine.

I don't cry; I can't cry.

I've cried too much yesterday and today, and it's too much.

I feel weak, emotionally exhausted.

I've recluses into myself.

I feel so numb.

///

Kind of a filler chapter.

I was having a bit of a shit day emotionally yesterday, and this wasn't originally on my plan for the book, but I thought I'd put it in lol.