Cancer//adopted by my chemical romance

Chapter 40:

After a while, I pull away from Gerard, worrying that he's knees are going to become numb on the tiled floor.

I look him in the eyes and brave a small smile, looking up at me, he grins his signature Gerard grin back at me.

Wordlessly, Gerard walks over to a fruit bowl that I've never even noticed before say inside Frank and rays kitchen.

Then again, I've only ever been in here a maximum of probably three times, and two of the three times resulted in my grabbing my tool of self destruction, and the other when I passed out.

Speaking of, I look around the room and notice that the knife block is long gone.

I feel guilty about it, but try not to overthink about it, it's logical sense that they would have moved it or hidden it after what happened, happened.

I don't think I'll be trying to hurt myself anytime soon, or I hope I won't be, sometimes it just clicks on my brain so quickly and so suddenly that I have no control over the urge.

Saying that though, sometimes even the sight of something sharp sends almost an electric shock through my body, spurring on my intrusive thoughts to cause harm to myself.

I shake off my thoughts and see Gerard pull a banana out, before walking back over to me and handing it to me.

I stare at it for a second, looking back up at Gerard and searching his eyes.

He's not lying to me.

I hesitantly take the banana from his grasp and unwrap it, before turning to face the wall.

I don't want to be watched eating, even if it is only Gee.

I feel my hands shaking, and I can't tell whether it's nerved or just pure bodily exhaustion.

I take a bite.

The taste feels weird on my tongue after so long, but not necessarily bad.

I take another bite.

I need to do this, I need to start trying.

I want to live

I get to about three quarters through the banana before I start to feel sick.

My stomachs shrunk for sure.

I don't want to push it and throw up, it's not worth it.

For once though, as I wrap up the small remains of the banana and place it on the small kitchen table, I don't feel guilty.

I feel more grounded.

I can and I will start getting better.

I look at Gerard and see him grinning at me, he's noticed I've eaten.

He wraps an arm around my shoulder, before pulling me into his side.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, honey"

I feel a smile tugging at my lips, and let myself lean into his side more.

It may have only been a banana, but it's a start. I know it won't be easy, but I've got to do it, because if I don't, I will have no life left.

-

After a while Gee ruffles my hair softly, and I pull away from him with a smile on my lips still.

He starts walking back into the main room, so I follow him in.

As soon as I walk in I notice the smell of pizza, and see a couple of pizza boxes spread throughout the room.

I feel somewhat guilty that Gerard has been sat talking to me, and with me, for god knows how long, while they'd all eaten.

However, it also make my heart swell up with happiness.

They all all cared enough to know that it would be too much for me, Gee had cared enough to talk to me and make sure I was doing okay.

No ones ever done that for me before in my whole time of existing.

I notice Gerard to and sit down next to Frank, and as much as I'd love to go and sit next to Gee again, feeling closer to him after what he's said to me, I feel myself drawn to my comfort person, and start making myself over to Mikey.

I don't know what it is about Mikey that had me feeling so connected to him from the start. But I still fed the closest to him, and as I pull myself into his lanky embrace, I feel myself relax.

He protectively pulls me into him and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead and I smile softly into his chest.

I think it might be because he's the quietest out of everyone, and because of that the silence that I often hold often feels completely normal when I'm with him, whereas with the others I can tell sometimes they wish I would speak and talk to them more.

They'd never say it though, and I'm grateful for it. They do seem to be getting me more now though, Gerard earlier just letting me wrap my arms around his neck and embracing me.

Sometimes all I need is to be held; especially at the moment.

I don't know how to describe it, after years of being thrown around and never having a kind touch, all I crave now is affection, and it helps to calm me down most of the time.

I wish I never had to have the life that I had before, I wish I could have been living with all of them from the start.

I could've had good memories, I would be plagued by the things that run through my mind at night.

They all feel like big brothers I never had, and good brothers at that, the kind who will stand their ground for me any day of the week.

-

After a while Mikey shifts his legs wordlessly and I can tell that his legs are starting to cramp, so I get up from where I'm sat, curled into him.

He looks at me like a kicked puppy when I get up, so instead of moving over to cuddle up to one of the other guys, I simply point to his legs and motion them up to the sofa.

So he does as I say, shifting himself to be laying across the sofa. I then pull myself back onto the sofa, shifting myself so I'm curled into his chest again.

After a while I feel something get placed on top of me, and look over to see Frank with a blanket in his hands. I smile and nod softly at him, and he gives me a thumbs up.

As we watch the show being played on tv, I have no clue what it is to be honest, but the guys seem to be invested in it, I feel my eyes begin to get heavy, and let myself drift off, enveloped by Mikey and surrounded by four people who I know care.

-

The book is gonna get pretty sweet and cute in the way the guys refer to her from now on, mainly because I find it adorable. If you guys find it uncomfortable please let me know and I'll stop doing it :)

Also! I've just started a new book with motionless I'm white in it! If you guys are interested in it :)

I've got the urge to write more at the moment, so there should be some new updates soon!