Joan Undone

Chapter 38

I tear down the stairs of the Chrysalis with Officer Ben on my heels, as if I can bring back Justus by running fast enough. I'm only a few blocks away when I am hit with a headache that knocks me off my feet.

Lexi's message is clear. We have failed. Crew remains free to terrorize, putting her business in jeopardy. I heave the contents of my stomach onto the pavement. The pain in my head matches the pain in my heart, and it cripples me.

Officer Ben helps me stand up. "Your people still need you."

"I can't."

"There is no 'can't' for you, Joan. This is your team. You need them, and they need hope," Officer Ben says.

I let him lead me to his police car. The seat is warm, and it feels good to stop moving, stop fighting. I could let this stillness take over. Disappear inside my mind. Officer Ben drives around for a while, trying to talk to me, but my numb mind doesn't register what he's saying.

Finally, he stops trying to reach me and pulls up to one of the entrances to the Lab. Harriet is there, propped against a wall, her face pale. Lexi has hit her with a headache too. A bolt of anger pushes through the haze of horror and pain in my mind.

Harriet's face softens with sympathy when she sees me. Where is her hatred? Almost everything she feared came to pass, but instead of screaming at me for my stupidity and arrogance, she opens her arms.

I step in, and we weep on each other's shoulders, until the sleeves of our shirts are drenched with tears.

We've lost so many in this fight. Before today, I could remember each face, and the person that went with it. Sparkle, Ken, even Gavyn Mol, the old man who was retired by the National Guard. But now, alongside Elizabeth and Sacajawea, are dozens of other faces that I didn't have time to memorize, whom I can never properly mourn. Not being able to carry their loss in my heart is a sacrilege.

Harriet pulls herself together first. She stiffens her spine.

"Everyone needs us, now. Especially Justus," she says.

"They need you. I think I've proven that my judgment is far from sound. From now on, you command, and I follow."

Harriet's brown eyes are soft when she shakes her head. "Together, Joan. We were always meant to do it together."

I swallow my protests and follow her down into the Lab. We approach the door to the Bunker, and my hand finds Harriet's. She squeezes my fingers, and we take a breath.

Inside, instead of the bustle and chaos that I was expecting, there is silence. Sun has braced himself against a wall, motionless. Marie sits in front of a tablet, but her eyes are blank and her fingers are still. Tupac and Alison sit knee to knee, tears sliding out of the corners of their eyes. Jo huddles in a corner, her head buried in her arms.

The only sound is made by Nic, who paces the perimeter of the room, his eyes wild when they land on me.

He rushes forward and crushes my limp body in his arms. When he pulls back, I see the traces of gold still slashed through his irises. Was it only this morning that Nic's selfish Amp binge was one of my biggest problems?

"Where is everyone else?" I ask.

"Most have left, returned to their homes and dorms," Sun says. "Their faith is broken."

My voice is a croak. "I'm sorry."

Sun shakes his head. "It is not just their faith in you that is broken. It is their faith that a new world can be made."

Crew unleashed a powerful weapon today, a bomb that detonated and broke our spirits.

"Where is Aft?" Harriet asks.