Crown of a Prince (Finn Shelby)

29.

All of Sunday passed by in Charlie's yard and working on some dresses at home and she couldn't get Finn out of her head. He crept into every thought and every moment but she didn't know what to do. Of course, the solution was sitting there right in front of her. She had to tell him how she felt, that she loved him. But now the sting of rejection was so raw and her feelings were clouded by the way Finn had reacted last night, how he had stormed out and left her. He had been so angry with her when she had left him without giving him a chance to explain and now he had turned around and done that exact thing to her.

She also knew that to tell him how she felt was to open herself up to the pain and heartbreak that would come when Finn might break her heart. And then what would it leave her with? A broken heart, brothers whose loyalties were now divided and a family in complete turmoil because their company assistant treasurer and head bookmaker couldn't bear to be in the same room as each other. She knew he wouldn't break her heart intentionally but Ailbhe had watched her brothers and the Shelby boys have unhealthy and bad relationships for years now. Their lifestyle didn't lend itself to a happy ending love story. Someone always ended up hurt. Or worse, dead.

Ailbhe understood it, the sad reality. When people in positions like the Peaky Blinders were in had loved ones, they could be used against them as leverage or blackmail. Ailbhe always knew that she was at risk growing up, that one day she could be kidnapped and held for ransom or blackmail to force her brothers and the Shelbys to give in. They would do what was necessary to get her back, she was their family. But it was different when you were in love, when it was your wife or your girl. Ailbhe had seen it many times with John and Esme. John was a soldier, a good man to follow orders and do what needed to be done without complaints. But if someone touched a hair on Esme's head, John lost it. Ailbhe had already seen the effect her and Finn had on each other, it was almost dangerous.

On Monday morning, Ailbhe was more than ready to pour herself into some work and try forget about it. It was made relatively easier since Ailbhe went to work in the office while she knew it was on Finn's schedule to be at the betting shop all day before his meetings in the afternoon with the race course managers. She kept herself busy, ignoring Lizzie's concerned gaze and questions of 'Are you alright?'. Around midday, Tommy and Lizzie disappeared to a meeting with an alleged factory owner but Ailbhe didn't believe it for a moment. It wasn't in the book of appointments and they were gone for over two hours. When they came back Lizzie was in far too good of a mood to have been at a meeting with a factory owner.

It was five o clock before Lizzie had had enough of Ailbhe's quiet and sad mood. She yanked the pen out of Ailbhe's hand and slammed it down on the desk.

"Alright, enough is enough" Lizzie sighed, sitting herself on the seat across from Ailbhe's desk and looking at her expectantly.

Ailbhe didn't say a word, only prompting Lizzie to throw her hand in the air and exclaim "Well?" as she grabbed a cigarette and lit it.

"Well, what?" Ailbhe shrugged, even her shrug was fed up.

"What is the matter with you? When I left your party, you were having a great time. You had been dancing with Finn and things looked like they were going great so what happened that made you look like you were going to cry into your lunch today"

Lizzie asked, holding her cigarette up and waiting for Ailbhe to spill it.

"Finn's a prick that's what's the matter" She snapped, running her hands through her hair in frustration. She knew she didn't mean it. Finn was right. He knew she loved him, she knew she loved him. So, why didn't she say it?

Was her pride that big that she couldn't admit she loved a boy who had walked away from her when she needed him. Was her insecurities that strong that she couldn't say something back because she felt like once she said it, it was all going to fall apart?

She wasn't angry at Finn. She was angry at herself. But Ailbhe had an ego and her pride, something she had learnt from her brothers and it was hard to push it aside even for the person she loved most.

Lizzie held up a hand as if to say 'Go on'.

"Things were going great... We kissed and he walked me home. So, I asked him to come in and he did"

Ailbhe recalled the events, not giving many details. They felt too intimate, even to tell Lizzie.

Lizzie looked on at her, listening intently.

Ailbhe sighed, leaning forward and getting a cigarette for herself, she felt like she needed one. Her hands felt nervous and itched for something to do.

"We... well we didn't have sex but we did other stuff Lizzie" Ailbhe explained, taking a puff of the cigarette, glad to have something to busy her hands with.

Lizzie nodded, understanding exactly what Ailbhe and Finn did. A realisation came to her.

"Oh no Ailbhe sweetheart, was he terrible?" she sighed, leaning forward in the chair and shrugging "Listen some men don't know what they're doing the first time and they need a little coaching it's nothing to be ashamed of"

But Ailbhe stopped her, leaning forward so her elbows sat on the table.

"It wasn't that Lizzie, he was..." she paused, taking a drag "He was fucking amazing, I mean I had no idea..." She trailed off.

Lizzie knew that look. Shelby men were especially gifted.

"Maybe he really is a Shelby" Lizzie pondered and smirked, not knowing Finn had it in him perhaps.

"Then what is it?" Lizzie asked, pushing to know.

"We were about to have sex, I wanted to I really wanted to" Ailbhe explained, keeping her voice low despite the office being empty "But... Finn told me he loved me last week"

Lizzie's jaw dropped as Ailbhe filled her in on how she had gone into Tommy's office last week to talk to him, what he had told her and how Tommy interrupted them. She also told her how when she couldn't say it back, Finn had gotten all worked up about it, thinking it meant she loved Bonnie and left.

"Ailbhe sweetheart, do you love him?" Lizzie asked, after hearing the whole story.

She looked across at the girl she called sister and watched her eyes. There was no doubt in those eyes, perhaps a little fear and anxiety but no doubt.

"I do" she nodded, finally admitting it out loud.

But she wasn't finished, it wasn't that simple.

"But he stormed out, he was so angry and he wouldn't even look at me. When he did look at me, it was like I had stabbed him in the back. He didn't give me a chance to explain"

She rambled, forgetting the cigarette in her hand and thinking about the boy she hadn't gone a minute for the last few days without thinking about.

"If it wasn't real, I didn't lose anything, if it is real and it doesn't work then I lose everything" Ailbhe explained, finally putting her scrambled thoughts into words.

Lizzie sighed for her; she carried the weight of everyone's problems on her shoulders as well as her own this girl. She wiped away the tear that was about to trickle down her cheek and shushed her.

"Ailbhe, it is already real" she told her softly.

"I don't even want to talk to him now Lizzie, I'm so angry with him" she sighed, wiping the tear that almost fell and stopping herself from crying anymore.

"You'll have to talk to him eventually sweetheart" Lizzie reminded her, knowing that in the first flushes of anger Ailbhe would only lose her temper with Finn.

But once she had calmed down, she'd be drawn back in, pulled back in by the magnetic force between them and find herself wrapped up in him again so long as they could work through it. But she was still angry. And she knew that if Finn found out Bonnie Gold had kissed her, he would lose his temper again. But he couldn't hold her hostage or punish her for not saying she loves him, that wasn't love that was ownership. And Ailbhe wouldn't stand for that. She had come too far to be her own person to let Finn take that away from her.