50 Reasons To Live.

Day 3 (Part I)

       "Why are we stopping?" I ask as the car stops moving and I crack an eye open to  check if I've gotten to my usual stop but frown noticing that we're at a small cafe.

          "C'mon I don't know about you but I need more coffee." Sebastian says and the coffee addict in me drags me out of the car and into the cafe.

       Slumping onto the closest chair I take out a cigarette stick and light it; it's official huh? we've relapsed. The snarky voice in my head says and I sigh, shouldn't you be happy about it? I ask even if it's stupid to be having a conversation with myself,  but oh well...

       "Babes how do you want your coffee this time?" Sebastian asks and I frown babes? Receiving a nudge from under the table I notice the flirty barista and roll my eyes. "Lots of sugar, a teaspoon of cream and lots of marshmallows." I say giving her a smile before going back to my cigarette.

          "Since when did you smoke?" He asks and I shrug "I relapsed yesterday." I say and he frowns "Relapsed?" He says with his brows and I nod "Yeah I used to smoke up to two packs a day before, now I smoke just a pack." I say and he fails to mask the shocked expression on his face and I laugh.

        "I'm just kidding, I used to smoke before but I stopped. Then I started again yesterday." I say and he nods "There was never any two packs or any of that?" He asks and I shake my head just as our coffees are brought to us.

      Looking at his coffee I scoff and he raises a brow "What?" He asks and I point to where his name was written on his cup, "Her number is there along with a heart." I say and he shakes his head "She writes it there everytime." He says sipping his black coffee and I frown.

       "Isn't it bitter?" I ask and he shakes his head "There's sugar in it,just not cream." He says and I wrinkle my nose sipping my too sweet coffee "Isn't that going to have side effects?" He asks eyeing my cup and I raise a brow

       "What has side effects?" I ask and he just his jaw at my cup "The too much sugar. Who puts marshmallows in coffee?" He asks  "I do. And there's no such thing as too much sugar for me." I say sticking my tongue out and he chuckles as he takes a picture of me.

          "You're cute like that." He says showing me the picture and I glared exhaling "I'm not cute."I say and he looks at me for a couple of minutes saying nothing "Yep definitely cute. C'mon we got to go now." He says and I hand him a couple of dollar bills.

            "Cupcake you're insulting me now. I brought you here, I'll take care of the bills." He says taking my hand and putting the money back in it.

       Folding my fingers over it, his fingers brushes over my baggy sleeves and they drop from my wrists and I know he sees it. Yesterday's slashes.

       Saying nothing he goes to the counter and pays before walking back to me "You coming orrr?" He asks and I grab my cup and the paper plate of cookies following him.

        He drives slowly and occasionally I'll throw a glance at him but he says nothing. "Say whatever it is you want to." He says and I shrug. "I just wanted to know if you were still angry and why you're angry." I say and he slams the brake stopping the car.

        "Are you really asking me that River? Huh?" He asks staring intently at me and I take a puff of my cigarette saying nothing.

       "I was angry yes, but now I'm just disappointed." He says running his hands through his hair and I look up at him "Why were you angry?" I ask and he moves his face really close to mine till I'm staring into his eyes "Because you'd have broken your end of the deal if you had bled to death." He says and I sigh.

       "I don't cut deep enough that I'll bleed to death." I say and he presses his lips together "Stop that." He says and furrow my brows "Stop what?" I ask as he holds my left hand which is my cigarette holding hand.

        "What?" I ask and he exhales deeply "Self harming. You're doing it even now, tapping the cigarette butt on your wrist, most times holding it for long against your skin." He say and I look at my wrist and the red blotches confirms he's right.

      "You didn't know you were doing it?* He asks and I shrug "Falling back into old habits I guess." I say and he nods slowly releasing my wrist.

     "Have you heard about the butterfly effect?" He suddenly asks and I shake my head "It's simple, you draw a butterfly on your wrist or wherever you cut or burn, both in your case." He begins and I raise a brow.

      "And how does this help?" I ask and he unhooks his seatbelt to grab his bag from behind before rummaging in it and bringing out a sharpie marker.

     "Here. Anytime you feel like self harming you look at your butterfly and redo it if it's fading. If you self harm you kill the butterfly." He says and I nod collecting the marker from him.

       "Black with glitters huh?" I ask raising my sleeves to draw a butterfly on my wrist. "It suits you." He says and I stare at the red blotches. "We'll figure it out." He says figuring that I'm thinking about how it's become part of my reflex action to burn myself when I'm smoking.

      The car is silent for a couple of minutes before he speaks "I'm disappointed because I feel like I'm not doing enough by you." He says and I turn to look at him.

     "You've still got forty eight days left." I say softly and he looks up before his lips curl into a smile. "You're right I've still got forty eight days left to prove to you that life is worth living." He says starting the car and driving.

        The drive is silent, he's probably thinking of his next reason I think looking out the window. Raising my hand to my mouth I find no cigarette, then I realise that Sebastian's still holding my hand.

     Trying to free my hands from his, he simply holds on tighter, sighing I use my  free hand to take the cigarette. Looking at me he gives a small sigh, and if you ask me I don't know what made me do it but I did it; I threw my cigarette out of the window.